The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling…??? – 07.06.85

The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling – 07.06.85

Hold on a second, I think Bill Watts is backstage…

[FADE IN ON COWBOY BILL WATTS]

WATTS:  Jimmy Crockett, two weeks ago my professional wrestling program put such a hurting on your circus that you turned tail and ran away from the WWE Network like the coward you are!  But not Dusty Rhodes, he’s all man and a mile wide.  But you Crockett, you couldn’t handle my top man, the Nightmare, showing that blond dandy Ric Flair how a real champion carries himself!  So last week Mid-South had the week all to itself and everyone got to enjoy both the Snowman and the Nightmare without having to slog through the pretty boys we drummed outta here ages ago like Magnum TA!  Why, people who wear leather vests and have moustaches like that have a name where I come from!  So if anyone else is right wing, southern-based and god-fearing enough, and most importantly has the GUTS this week to stand up and face the Cowboy…

[“Huckleberry Finn”, by Canadian progressive rockers Hurry Up, who make music legally distinct from Rush but close enough to be somewhat recognizable as the same song, suddenly interrupts Cowboy’s rant]

Jim Ross:  BY GAWD, THAT’S KERRY VON ERICH COMING OUT OF THE CROWD!

[Watts turns around and Kerry puts the Iron Claw on him, leaving Watts bloodied and laid out.]

KERRY:  Bill Watts, me and my brothers accept your…uh…line?

[SMASH CUT TO TITLE SEQUENCE AND EXPENSIVE LOOKING EXPLOSIONS!]

The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling v. World Class Championship Wrestling – 07.06.85

Mid-Atlantic is missing this week on the Network again, but that’s the beauty of the Network!  There’s always something else to watch on there.  So this week, instead of Mid-Atlantic as our opponent for Cowboy Bill on the Saturday Morning Showdown, it’s the only other person who is more of a GOD-FEARING COWBOY…Fritz Von Erich.  And hey, I haven’t checked out World Class in a good long time anyway, so it’s something different.

But first, Mid-South!

Taped from Shreveport, LA

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Joel Watts

North American heavyweight title:  The Champion / The Nightmare v. Terry Taylor

But wait!  Eddie Gilbert declares that Taylor already had his title match, so this is non-title and he can screw off.  No automatic rematch clauses in Mid-South I guess.  This brings out Ted Dibiase, who points out that Taylor never gave him HIS rematch, and he still wants the belt.  So Ted demands that Terry wrestle him RIGHT NOW, and the winner gets the title match.  Terry is offended that Ted thinks he’s the booker now, so Ted smacks him upside the head and that’s all you need to book a match.

Terry Taylor v. Ted Dibiase

Wait, did we miss a tag team title change between last week and here?  Doc and Dibiase were just the champions.  A quick check reveals that they don’t lose it until the end of August, so I guess they’re just not bringing it up.  Dibiase beats on Taylor in the corner to start, but Terry fights back until Ted drops an elbow on his head and goes for the figure-four early.  Terry kicks him off with the proportional strength of a rooster and comes back with a slam and kneedrop for two.  Terry works the arm and Dibiase slams out of it, but Terry hangs on and continues grinding on the arm, but Dibiase takes him to the corner and Taylor gets a sunset flip for two to foil him.  Back to the armbar, but Dibiase takes him to the corner again and then punches him in the face to finally escape and get the heat.  Dibiase drops the fist and chokes away, but Taylor reverses out to a rollup for two.  Dibiase goes up and drops an elbow on him for two, then goes to the chinlock on the mat.  Taylor makes the comeback and slugs him down, so Dibiase backs off like a chicken and wants mercy, but Taylor is a MAD ROOSTER and he pounds on him in the corner and drops an elbow for two.  Dibiase puts him down again and gets the figure-four, but Taylor is ALSO a master of the figure-four and he’s able to turn it over and reverse it.  Dibiase has to get to the ropes, but this gives him a chance to load up the ISOTONER OF DEATH.  Taylor backdrops him out of the corner to evade the glove, but then Dibiase gets a second try and unloads on him, and pins him at 11:11 to become #1 contender to the Nightmare.  Great TV match!  ***1/2 and an easy 1 for 1.

Mid-South TV title:  The Snowman v. Dutch Mantel

Snowman slugs away to start, but Dutch catches him with a suplex.  Holy shit, Snowman took a BUMP? Dutch beats on him in the corner and hits him with a knee to the gut, but Snowman fights back with his flailing punches, as a 250 pound weightlifter punches like a wacky waving inflatable arm tube man.  The ref manages to get thrown over the top rope in the corner melee, so the Nightmare heads down and piledrives the Snowman on the concrete while the ref is out, he’s out like Matt Hardy, and Dutch is up first and wins by countout at 2:40 and THANK GOD OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER!  Dutch wins the TV title by countout because god knows Snowman can’t do a clean job, but I’ll take what I can get.  Snowman losing is 2 for 2.

Kamala & Kareem Mohammad v. Don Sanders & Glen Holbrook

Kamala beats on both jobbers with chops, and then the man with 17 names, The Zambuie Express Kareem “Ray Candy” Mohammad, comes in and uses the clubbing forearms and splashes Holbrook for the pin at 1:32.  Candy makes Kamala look like Kurt Angle.  2 for 3.

Dr. Death Steve Williams v. Wendell Cooley

I’ve started playing Virtual Pro Wrestling 2 on the N64 again, which is the Japanese predecessor to AKI’s Wrestlemania 2000.  If you need proof why it’s one of the greatest wrestling games of all time, I’m currently working through the career mode by taking Stan Hansen and Bruiser Brody through the Tag League Tournament in order to unlock Steve Williams and Terry Gordy as playable characters.  You can’t do that with any other game!  Williams drops elbows on Cooley’s leg, but the Wildcat makes the babyface comeback for a bit and then gets clotheslined and headbutted.  Cooley fights back again and he’s all fired up and slugs away, but Doc catches him with an Oklahoma Stampede out of nowhere and finishes it off at 3:10.  Cooley’s day would come soon.  2 for 4.

Jake Roberts & The Barbarian v. Terry Daniels & Frankie Lane

At this point I’m not even sure that Terry Daniels is even ex-military.  I think he’s lost so many weeks in a row that he’s been drummed out of the service retroactively.  Barbarian slams Lane a bunch of times, and Jake comes in and puts the boots to him.  Jake drops a knee and goes to a chinlock to cut off a potential tag.  Jake makes sure to go antagonize Daniels, but Lane finally gets the tag and Daniels gets to make his comeback.  Barbarian quickly pounds him in the “lung and heart area” according to Joel, hits a press slam, and then goes up with a pretty decent flying legdrop to set up the full nelson at 3:10. 2 for 5. And Jake DDTs the other geek to keep him from saving his partner.  I don’t wanna spoil anything but there’s gotta be something coming up with Jake soon here.

Al Perez v. Tommy Prichard

Tommy attacks to start, but Perez hits him with a german suplex out of nowhere and pins him at 0:10.

Meanwhile, we catch up with the Fantastics, who either like to wear formal tuxes go shirtless in public and there’s NOTHING IN BETWEEN.  Now, judging by the storyline of the video, it seems like every woman is crazy about a sharp dressed man, but the music is unable to share that philosophy here for legal reasons.  How can this get anything but a point?  3 for 6.

The Fantastics v. The Red Raider & Paul Brown

I feel like we need to compile a list of masked jobbers who could be listed in the Urban Dictionary.  Between the Red Raider and the Golden Terror we have a strong start.  The Fantastics work the Raider’s arm, and it’s over to Brown as Fulton backdrops him for two and goes to work on the arm.  Apparently they’ve been splitting their time between here and Dallas, but they’re cancelled all their obligations down there and now they’re here full time!  Oh man, this Dallas v. Oklahoma war that I’ve arbitrarily dreamed up is already heating up!  Some choice double-teaming finishes one of the geeks at 1:47.  Just a quick nothing squash to end the show.  3 for 7.

OK, World Class is gonna have a tough time topping that Dibiase-Taylor match already.  Can Fritz and his boys get out from under the 8 ball that I’ve arbitrarily put them behind despite no real rivalry besides the one I made up?  Let’s find out!

The SmarK Rant for World Class Championship Wrestling – 07.06.85

Taped from Dallas, TX

Your host is Bill Mercer

Kelly Kiniski v. Brian Adias

Adias works a hammerlock as Mercer tries to connect the dots by noting that Kiniski’s dad was a longtime foe of Fritz Von Erich, whereas Adias is a longtime friend of the Von Erichs, so this is an instant grudge match spanning two generations!  Kelly tries for his own hammerlock, but Adias escapes with a hiptoss and goes to the armbar.  Man, the cameraman on the apron who is RIGHT IN YOUR FACE was such a cool touch compared to what guys like Watts and Crockett were doing.  You were literally right there in the ring with the wrestlers.  Kiniski bails to escape the armbar for a bit, but Adias runs him into the corner.  And then he charges like a moron and runs into a knee.  They slug it out and Kiniski suplexes him for two and goes to work on the back.  Kiniski takes him down with a chinlock, but Adias battles out of that, so Kelly drops him on the top rope and tosses him to the floor.  Kiniski chokes him out with the ropes while he’s trying to get back into the ring, so Adias comes in with a sunset flip instead and Kelly punches him in the head to block that.  Kiniski puts him down with an atomic drop for two and goes back to the chinlock, and a clothesline gets two.  Adias makes the comeback, however, and finishes him off with a backslide at 8:45.  A perfectly cromulent opener.  1 for 1.

Gentleman Chris Adams v. Mike Bond

Adams was deep into his super-dick heel phase here, carrying around both the American title and the American tag team titles.  Adams arrogantly charges the jobber and gets backdropped, and Bond grabs an armbar as Adams freaks out.  He tries to escape with a headlock, but Bond takes him down with a hammerlock and they slug it out until Adams backs off.  Adams takes him down with a headlock while Mercer puts over their TV deals in beautiful upstate New York, like Utica!  I hear they have delicious regional dishes like steamed hams up there.  Bond escapes the headlock, so Adams gets pissed and tosses him, then runs him into a chair.  He’s mad because this Bond guy is giving him an opponent and he didn’t particularly want one, according to Mercer.  Back in, Adams hauls him back in and beats on him in the corner, but he misses a clothesline and Bond comes back with his own clothesline before Adams headbutts him in the gut to cut him off.  Adams goes up and Bond slams him off the top to continue this unlikely rally, but then he goes up himself and misses a flying kneedrop.  Adams has had enough of this guy and hits him with a piledriver and then finishes him with the superkick at 6:24.  Bond is just a local Dallas jobber and for some reason Adams decided to make a match out of it and it was pretty good!  2 for 2.

Next week:  The Great Kabuki v. Chris Adams in a main event that sounds batshit crazy.

Meanwhile, Bill Mercer visits Mike Von Erich in his training compound, and Mike has an injured shoulder, but he doesn’t think he’ll need surgery.  His promo is so stumbling and fumbling that training partner Iceman Parsons steps in and cuts it for him to end the suffering.  Unfortunately, a few weeks after this, Mike did indeed get surgery on the shoulder, and it nearly ended his life.

Killer Tim Brooks v. Iceman Parsons

One Man Gang is hanging out at ringside, so Kevin Von Erich comes down to even the sides, and it immediately turns into a tag team brawl, as the babyfaces clear the ring to prevent any further shenanigans.  So we take a break and reassess the situation.

Back from commercial and apparently it’s a TAG TEAM MATCH, PLAYA!

Killer Tim Brooks & One Man Gang v. Kevin Von Erich & Iceman Parsons

For those who think this impromptu tag team match stuff was invented by ECW, here you go.  The babyfaces clear the ring again with a double dropkick while Mercer tells the story of how these vile heels injured the shoulder of Mike Von Erich, but it won’t need surgery and he’ll be back in two weeks!  Brooks goes after Iceman and takes a chop as a result, so they both get all fired up and chop each other until Iceman backdrops him to win.  Over to Kevin, who whips Brooks into the corners, trying to go after his shoulder in retaliation for his brother.  It’s like Jesus wrote in the Bible, an eye for an eye, a shoulder for a shoulder!  Or maybe that was Chuck Norris.  I dunno, some guy with long hair and a beard said it.  Kevin wraps him up with a bodyscissors on the mat and stretches him out, which gives us the weird dynamic of the crowd being so behind him that they try to spurn him on to make a comeback WHILE HE’S STILL ON OFFENSE.  Over to Iceman, who gets the abdominal stretch, but Gang breaks it up and the heels get the heat on the Iceman.  Oh yeah, you see what I did there, don’t play dumb.  They work him over in the corner, but Kevin comes in to break it up, so Brooks goes to a chinlock.  Gary Hart is actually managing his team, telling Brooks to “put the weight on him” with the chinlock and then telling them to “make the switch” when Iceman fights up.  I love little touches like that.  Kevin can take no more and comes in and beats on Brooks, but turns his back and gets clobbered, and that allows Brooks to pull on Iceman’s braids to gain control with a chinlock again.  Iceman makes the comeback and goes to give OMG a shot as well for good measure, but that just makes Gang come in and prevent any tagging.  So Kevin again is sick of this shit and goes after Gang, but again that allows the heels to deal more abuse to Iceman and piss off the crowd even more.  Finally Brooks tries a high knee and hits the Gang by mistake, and it’s HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT tag to Kevin Von Erich.  He immediately puts the claw on the Gang, but gets his eye raked and the heels double-team him in the corner as it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA.  So we settle it down again and the heels are now working on Kevin, but he continues fighting out of the corner and gets another claw on the Gang.  Brooks tries to save, but Iceman cuts him off, so they toss Iceman over the top and the ref is bumped.  The heels grab their chain, but the babyfaces fight them off and it’s a DQ win at 13:08.  This was a shockingly SOLID tag team match that I really enjoyed, maybe even more than the Dibiase match!  ***1/2  3 for 3

Next week, it’s superkick v. thrust kick, and Gary Hart brings in Mark Lewin to step things up.

Man, I forgot how much fun those World Class shows are.  I might just stick with these instead of Mid-Atlantic in the spot for a bit.

This week’s winner:  WORLD CLASS!

Well, you know, always put the substitute over at the house shows, right?