The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.27.93
Well, my faithful and beloved Xbox One is now gone, sold off for parts on Facebook Marketplace, and now all I have left to make it through the day is my PS4, Switch, assorted mini consoles, collection of Nintendo DS and 3DS, Raspberry Pi box and handheld pocket emulators. Somehow I shall persevere, fear not. Don’t cry for me, Argentina. It just means I have to buy the Arkham games all over again.
Taped from North Charleston, SC
Wait, there’s a NORTH South Carolina? That seems a bit misleading.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler. The talk this week is all about the establishment of a HALL OF FAME, with the first inductee being Andre the Giant. OK, but Koko B. Ware better be coming up sometime soon!
Crush v. Lee Armstrong
I’m assuming Lee is a fake Armstrong, like Lance Von Erich. Crush puts him down with clotheslines and follows with a press slam to the floor, then follows him out for a clothesline on the floor. Vince describes Crush as “The Original Hawaiian Punch”, which I’m thinking might be a problem for the people who make the drink, since they are without a doubt the holders of that particular title. Head vice finishes at 1:52 as Crush’s arms prove to be too strong for Armstrong.
Meanwhile, whoa oh, whoa oh, it’s Wrestlemania. I’m surprised they didn’t purge Big Bossman and the Nasty Boys from the video. Also why would they use Jimmy Garvin’s soundbite about the Survivor Series on a song called “Wrestlemania”? Also also, is anyone kind of surprised that they didn’t lose the rights to their own song at some point?
Meanwhile, Jim Duggan is off CUTTING WOOD like a REAL MAN and he’s gonna make his own American made 2×4 from AMERICAN TREES and take out Yokozuma. Well good luck with that, buddy. This was a pretty good way to set up the post-WM house show circuit.
The Headshrinkers v. Curles & McInn (?)
They never announce the names on TV so I’m going by the timeline that the Network provides, where the geeks don’t even get first names. The Steiners do an inset promo and Rick points out that the Headshrinkers might enjoy hurting their opponents in the ring, but the Steiners REALLY enjoy it. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Flying splash finishes one of the unnamed geeks at 2:18.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
My god, we are less than a week away from seeing that featured match between Bam Bam Bigelow and Kamala, which will absolutely happen on the show, guaranteed.
CONTRACT SIGNING: Bret Hart v. Yokozuna
What, was Brother Love in charge in 1993, too? This is from the episode of Wrestling Challenge that week, and this is so important that we get a special appearance from Jack Tunney as they haul him out of mothballs. So they stand there doing a staredown and Gene is freaking out, demanding decorum from them as though they’re brawling or something. So they sign their papers and cut their promos on each other, and then Yoko rams the table into Bret’s gut and hits him with the Bonzai drop. The buildup was so bizarre here, as they spent weeks telling us how Bret had no chance against Yoko, and then Yoko squashes him on the go-home show and goes on to win the title. You’d think they would give Bret even a LITTLE bit on Yoko to make people think he’s got a shot.
The Nasty Boys v. Barry Hardy & Duane Gill
Vince once again informs us that the Nasties have “graciously” stepped aside for the Ego Maniacs to challenge for the tag team titles, although it can’t have been THAT gracious since they left the promotion a month after this. Shitty elbow finishes at 2:28.
Meanwhile, we take a special look at Andre the Giant, who had sadly passed away 6 years earlier after the main event of Wrestlemania 3 before 110,000 people, killed by Hogan’s bodyslam, because Hulk was so worried about Andre shooting on him that he had to lift the Giant to the heavens and slam him through the mat to protect himself, brother.
WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!
Ted Dibiase lays it all on the line, telling us that Hogan is only back for his own glory and not to help Brutus, because he wants to win titles and doesn’t actually care about his friend. And look at where we ended up after the show, with Beefcake disappeared off the face of the earth and Hulk with the World title again. WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO TED DIBIASE! Also, apparently Hulk backed up a tank on Brutus’s face and then shot him with a cannon and didn’t do any damage. I’m pretty sure it was actually a jeep. Oh, and in the Money Inc. promo, they called Hogan “Superman” and said they had his kryptonite in the briefcase, but then Jimmy Hart rebutted that he has been slipping kryptonite into Hogan’s cereal to build up a tolerance to it so now Hogan can arm-wrestle the real Superman if needed and literally has no weaknesses. Like…was Hogan even WATCHING his own matches in the 80s to understand why that act worked so incredibly well and why this would not? How little self-awareness can you have?
Lex Luger v. Kevin Neal
Savage is looking forward to the vestal virgins at Wrestlemania. Hopefully they stay away from Jerry Lawler then. Lex beats on the guy with a clothesline and atomic drop, then hits the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH and pins him at 2:10. Luger was ALREADY getting lazy with the move a month into his tenure.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Yes, we got BOB BACKLUND to really drive home the last minute buys for Wrestlemania. Also, Crush is pretty sure that Doink is a collegian, brah. Also he’s really torqued off about that “Pineapple head” thing. Casual racism against Hawaiians is an ugly thing.
NEXT WEEK: Giant Gonzalez! Bret Hart! Shawn Michaels! Apparently they’re gonna be in Las Vegas for that one so who knows how that’s gonna work.
I am very excited to never watch Wrestlemania IX again!