How about a Sega Genesis Top Ten Challenge this week? Or, if you hold it in England, make it Mega Drive.
Coming up: Ricky Steamboat takes care of Steve Austin and Arn Anderson in this week’s main event – “He’s like a wildman!”.
Intro: Tony and Jesse preview the main event. Jesse thinks Tony should get his hair cut, but he’s not tough enough for a shaved head.
The Fabulous Freebirds vs. John Peterson and Chris Sullivan
Hayes and Garvin are the US tag team champs by now, but not announced as such because of the taping cycle. The ‘Birds quickly attack the jobbers while Klondike Bill gathers their gear. Tony talks about Precious being the CEO of Freebirds Enterprises as Jesse scoffs – no woman is gonna henpeck him! Garvin get a double DDT on both jobbers as he and Hayes strike a pose while pinning them.
Vinnie Vegas vs. Jim Cain
Tony’s flying solo for this one as Jesse has gone backstage for some reason – ostensibly to get some interview, likely to have a crap. Big Kev never lacked for confidence or presence, but is really clunky with bad timing. Boot choke in the corner, big boot off the ropes. Doesn’t seem to know which way to go to hit an elbowdrop. Eventually gets bored and shakes the dice before hitting Snake Eyes for the win.
WCW Magazine (w/Eric Bischoff): Beach Blast is coming now! Ron Simmons vs. the Taylor Made Man! Marcus Alexander Bagwell vs. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine! Truly, main events in any high school gym or armoury in the country. Flyin’ Brian to also job the light heavyweight title to Scotty Flamingo (oops, spoilers!). Promos from both – Scotty has a massive chest and a pre-Raven ankh. Air Pillman is ready to blast off and is coming in Scotty’s direction – sounds kinky! Also, Dustin Rhodes, Barry Windham and Nikita Koloff to face Arn Anderson, Beautiful Bobby and Stunning Steve Austin.
Super Invader (w/Harley Race) vs. Rick Ryder and Scott Allen
Rick Ryder was always a quality jobber, even though he looks like that older guy at the gym who’s not big but can run his arse off on the treadmill. Harley gets to beat up Ryder on the outside while Invader handles Allen. Tony and Jesse talk about the merits of being big or small as a martial artist, prompting Jesse to conclude that it’s better to be big because if you’re small like Bruce Lee you just end up dying. Tony is amused. Powerbomb for both, double pin.
WCW Magazine: The Steiner Brothers defend the world tag team titles against Doc and Gordy at Beach Blast. Sting faces Cactus Jack in a falls-count-anywhere match. We get to see Cacti’s expertise in this sort of match with a previous attack out of the ring on Sting, then his cattle barn match with Van Hammer. Jack wants Sting’s belt while using his Charles Manson voice. Rebuttal from Sting, who’s constantly getting talked to in the airport about taking on the crazy challenge of Cactus Jack. Stay out of the airport then, Steve. Lest we forget, Missy Hyatt duels in the sun with Madusa in a bikini contest.
Scotty Flamingo (w/JT Southern) vs. Johnny B Badd
Jesse gets to imply Scotty and JT are boyfriends, not helped by them doing a dance to the ring where they bounce hips with one another. Tony even has memorised Southern’s “Most excellent guitar-playing dude” nickname. When Johnny comes out, Jesse suggests all three might go out holding hands. Some girls still go a little crazy over him on the way in. About five minutes of the match are eaten up with disrobing, addressing the crowd, dancing, making a coffee… Johnny keeps Scotty at bay with punches to the ribs while Southern prattles on at ringside to a camera. No flow at all to this match, it’s like they’re just going with whatever comes to mind, fucking it up as much as they can. Scotty gets some nice suplexes, though. Flying fistdrop blocked with two fists to the face. Fucked up powerslam from Johnny that could’ve broken Scotty’s neck. They then bump heads and are out, so JT pushes Scotty on top of Badd. With the ref arguing that, Brad Armstrong of all people comes out and turns it over to put Badd on top for the pin. Probably the worst match of this run so far, total shit with a bad finish that made no sense considering Badd was going to host the bikini contest and Scotty was challenging for a title. Almost needs to be seen to be believed.
PSA: Arn Anderson tells us, whether we like him or not, to not do steroids. Nobody could accuse him of doing them, at least.
Stunning Steve Austin and the Enforcer Arn Anderson (w/Paul E Dangerously) vs. Nikita Koloff and Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat
Prior to the match, Tony and Jesse vamp about Big Van Vader and Super Invader teaming up. Never happened with what was on the cards for Vader, but would’ve been a good hoss team in Japan. Weird that Austin and Anderson were the DA team here when Arn and Bobby were still regularly teaming. Nikita and Steamer hold their ground early, leading Austin to go out of the ring and sell like he’s preparing to be taken from behind. Arn’s doomed campaign for the world title is mentioned, so he was obviously keeping lots of different irons in the fire. Austin’s leg gets worn down. Jesse takes offence to Tony using the pronoun we when saying how everyone knows Madusa was lying about getting harassed (“WE?! You got a frog in your pocket?”). Arn comes in and misses a kneedrop, leading to double figure fours for a big pop. Paul E sneaks in to break it up. Nikita gets to knee Arn in the balls to the approval of the fans. The DA just haven’t got it in gear. I keep expecting a change of fortune, but it doesn’t come, especially when Paul E throws the phone in and Ricky catches it. Zbyszko comes into steal it back and gets Arn and Steve disqualified, then accidentally clobbers his former partner with it. Paul E goes mad about it and rips his jacket off, begs off, then goes to hit the Cruncher from behind but gets caught. Austin tries to act as peacemaker between the former Enforcers. Disappointing match to lead up to quite an interesting post-match angle.
WCW Magazine: Beach Blast – Rick Rude and Ricky Steamboat in an Iron Man match – thirty minutes – non-title. Rude gets to call Bonnie a “sea hag”, probably to the envy of the rest of the locker room.
Next week: Nothing much announced, beyond a bit of Beach Blast hype.
Conclusion: Some really bad matches this week, the Badd/Flamingo match being the worst. I’m gonna blame Badd for just being bad and Flamingo for being someone who should’ve known better.