The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.20.93
Well we got another 10 of these added to the Network, so that’ll last me a couple of months of content at least. Still, this was the flagship show for the company for a DECADE, but we’ve only got a little over a year on the WWE Network? It’s ridiculous. At least put Wrestling Challenge on there if they want to continue the stupid game of legal chicken with the Australian promoter. They had most of Challenge up on the WWE Legacy service via WWE.com years ago, too, so it’s prepped and ready to put online anyway.
But anyway, no point in lamenting what we don’t have.
Taped from San Jose, I think?
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage.
Hulk Hogan kicks things off with a video package about how he’s a real American, and isn’t that just fucking great.
Money Inc. v. Alan Reid & Robert Thomson
Man, Justin Trudeau should hire IRS to track down all the lazy cheating millennials who need to repay the CERB come tax time next year. It’s his specialty! The champs double-team one of the geeks in shiny blue tights and Dibiase hits a suplex, and it’s over to the geek without shiny blue tights and Dibiase hits him with a powerslam. Vince notes that Money Inc’s strategy is going to be coming up with outrageous strategies that the Megamaniacs will never have thought of. Like putting other people over? Working a midcard match without having to hog the spotlight? Being able to admit when it’s time to change your character? Because I’m pretty sure those are all alien to Hogan and Beefcake. Anyway, Million Dollar Dream finishes one of the guys at 2:42.
Vince McMahon informs us that Hacksaw Duggan has decided to return, and he’s looking for Yokozuna. Well he’s typically easy to find.
Kamala v. Jim Gorman
Aw, Kamala. RIP. Randy Savage has BREAKING NEWS: Kamala will be facing Bam Bam Bigelow at Wrestlemania! Well that turned out to be fake news. Usual Kamala squash but this time we’re supposed to cheer for him because Slick is there. Big splash finishes at 1:56.
Lex Luger joins us for a special interview with Ray Rougeau. This actually gives us a funny line from the announces, as Vince sets up the segment with “The man who believes himself to be beyond perfection” and then they cut to Rougeau, and Savage disbelievingly goes “Ray Rougeau?”. Rougeau can’t even get a question out because Lex is flexing in the mirror, so he comes up with a “lot of people” who think that Mr. Perfect is going to beat him at Wrestlemania. Who are these people? Because they’re stupid. Just saying. Perfect pops up on the screen while Luger gets all offended and LAUGHS at the thought of losing to Perfect. Well, I think it was a laugh. Luger isn’t exactly a convincing actor. I can picture him checking his contract before the segment and negotiating an extra appearance fee for having to pretend to laugh. So Perfect comes out for real to get a better look at Luger, and then SWERVES Luger’s mirror by hanging his towel on it and asking the mirror who’s the most perfect. And then his music plays. So I guess he won that round. And also Luger’s mirror has some kind of magic mind-reading black magic that warrants further exploration at a later date.
Shawn Michaels v. Joey Maggs
Shawn takes Maggs down with a headlock and then slugs away in the corner and follows with a standing dropkick. Maggs actually comes back with an enzuigiri, but misses a blind charge and Shawn pops up with a flying clothesline before finishing him with the superkick at 2:09. He was going to finish with the teardrop suplex, but Maggs was out so he just shoved him down and pinned him instead. Oh also, Vince calls Wrestlemania IX THE GREATEST VALUE IN THE HISTORY OF PAY PER VIEW. Don’t oversell it or anything, pal.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Well, the show is now sold out and the only way you can watch it is PPV, so if you didn’t get tickets when you had the chance it’s your OWN GODDAMN FAULT. Anyway, Undertaker holds in his hands the vessel containing all that is evil and all that is unholy. Well, there’s only one explanation for that…
Bob Backlund v. Larry Ludden
Christ, I am now 2 years older than Backlund was back then. Backlund takes down Ludden and his mop of hair and works the arm while Razor does an inset promo and says nothing. Backlund takes him down again and works the arm, but Ludden boots him in the corner, and Bob monkey-flips him and finishes with a rollup at 2:39. GET THEE OFF MY TV. It’s actually a miracle they were able to find something for Backlund to sink his teeth into by 1994.
Meanwhile, Giant Gonzalez is on TV for like the fifth or sixth show in a row, threatening Undertaker again as this feud is going nowhere.
WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!
Gene would like to stress that it’s the greatest Wrestlemania of all time. And people are all gonna be in togas, which is somehow supposed to be a selling point, I guess. In your random thought of the week, I think it’s funny in a way how originally they had a fairly nuanced backstory for Yokozuna, as he was this guy from the Polynesian islands who was trained in sumo and became a star as an outsider, and now we’ve progressed to the point where Vince is like HE’S FROM JAPAN, PAL! HE’S JAPANESE! And that’s all you get.
BREAKING NEWS: Next week is a CONTRACT SIGNING between Bret and Yoko. Who doesn’t love a good contract signing?
Also, the Megamaniacs were working out in the gym and people were apparently talking about how Money Inc’s stock was dropping on the market and theirs is going up. Wait, did they file an IPO at some point? Was Hogan’s restaurant tied up in this somehow?
Also, again a reminder that Kamala faces Bam Bam Bigelow, which again did not happen.
Meanwhile, in Kona, Crush keeps hearing from the people and they want to know when he’s getting his hands on Doink. Maybe they should mind their own damn business. Bunch of nosy Hawaiians it sounds like. Anyway, thinks his pineapple looks kind of like Doink, and he tears it apart. He must have done that Monty Python self defense class.
Doink v. Larry Sampson
Sampson is another guy from Al Tomko’s Vancouver promotion, wrestling as Sweet Daddy Sampson. Doink takes him down with a double armbar into a rollup for two, and then drops him on his head with a german suplex and then finishes him with the STUMP PULLER at 1:32. This version of Doink was 1000 times more interesting in the ring than doofy babyface Doink with his generic work and midget friends. The evil clown who’s actually an accomplished wrestler was a cool twist and seems like it needed more backstory, like he was working in the circus with the shooters and carnies and learned all the tricks from them so he could hold his own in fights. Head canon, baby.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Bam Bam and Kamala have more promos for their match at Wrestlemania which is totally happening.
NEXT WEEK! Bret Hart has a music video set to “RESPECT” by Aretha Franklin! Well that’s some pretty clear false advertising there, at least as far as the Network goes.