The SmarK Rant for TALKN-SHOP-A-MANIA – 08.01.20
Enough people have bugged me about this one that I figure it’s worth a look if nothing else.
Hosted by Doc Gallows and Karl Anderson (property of his Smokin’ Hot Asian Wife), who warn us to inebriate ourselves before watching this. Also Rocky Romero is around.
Taped from Doc’s backyard. With Dave Penzer doing ring announcing!
Chad 2 Badd calls out Sex Ferguson after “Paul Leyman” broke up their tag team and got them fired, which sets up the main event later tonight…
Social Distancing Battle Royale
Everyone has to wear masks in the ring so I might not be able to tell who’s who. Freight Train is your big black guy of note here, as he calmly throws out MAN AFTER MAN, although not the guy covered in pool noodles. Lazer, who looks kind of like the Hurricane but not enough to be legally problematic, eliminates himself by diving onto a pile of the geeks that are thrown out. The mysterious STANG wanders out to look ominous, while Freight Train throws out more people. “Hey is that Brian Pillman Jr in there? Why the fuck didn’t he get an entrance?” Indeed Pillman Jr is left in there alone with Freight Train after “Sgt. Goddamn Hammerlock” gets thrown out. “Did the referee not know they were supposed to referee the matches?” So Alex Koslov, who apparently edits the podcasts, stops by the match and lights up a smoke before attacking Pillman. “Yeah, Freight Train isn’t selling shit right now.” And then Koslov’s bearded mother runs in and attacks everyone, before teaming up with Pillman to eliminate Freight Train and then her own son for the apparent win. But then Chico el Luchador (wearing a medical mask over his wrestling mask) runs in and wins the match at 6:33. This ENRAGES Chavo Guerrero on commentary. “I’m gonna shoot kill him!” he notes. Sounds serious. Luckily Karl is there to explain that it’s just a parody and you can’t really say that. Call it 8 billion stars? I don’t want to overdo it in the first match. I do expect Freight Train to get a look from OVW any day now.
This show is pretty fucking wacky.
CONTRACT ON A TREE MATCH: Frankie Coverdale v. Nature Boy Paul Lee
Paul Lee is doing a very subtle parody gimmick that I’m having trouble putting my finger on, but I will note that he drives into the “arena” in a 1984 Corvette with 200,000 miles on it and a sticker in the window that says “WOOOOOOOOOOOO”. And his fingers are all taped up. So after an entrance that lasts like 20 minutes, they trade reversals to start. “Coverdale wearing a coat even though it’s 98 degrees outside and he’s fat!” The Nature Boy whips Coverdale into the ropes, so he lands on the ground and keeps running all the way to the pond, compelled by the force of momentum, so the match is over I guess? Too short, so it only gets 7 billion stars.
Meanwhile, Chico El Luchador still has HEAT with Chavo, so he wants a singles match for his new title. If the Good Brothers can put together the money.
BUT WAIT! It turns out that the match continues, with Lee out there working a headlock in the grass, so they just cut to the next match because this sucks.
Hardcore match: George North v. Stump Kowalski
“Who the hell is George North?” wonder our announcers. I’m assuming that’s a play on George South. Oh wait I guess that was rhetorical. North immediately “brawls” to the grass with the midget, who does a slow motion swing with a kendo stick and brushes the post. And again they just declare it terrible and move on to some promotional considerations. So we join things by the pool (“Is that the Rock N Roll Express?”) where Nature Boy is still holding that fucking headlock, and then fast-forward into Luke’s house, where Brian Myers is playing with action figures with his kids. And thankfully we move on.
Teddy Long joins us, and sadly Dave Penzer doesn’t have his money. But we’re still gonna have a tag team match, PLAYA!
80s Russians v. Jungle Kittens
The 80s Russians are of course named Koloff and have chains. The Jungle Kittens get some shine, but the Russians destroy them with spinebusters and pin one of them with a Sickle. Teddy Long is DISGUSTED with this, because it’s not the 80s, it’s the 90s!
The Flock (Lodi w/ “Yes We Are Still Alive” sign & Ron Reis) v. The 80s Russians
The Flock lays out everyone with kendo sticks, but D-Lo Brown makes his entrance on behalf of the 90s, along with Rhino. And they beat up the Russians as well. Brian Pillman Jr is apparently playing Brian Pillman tonight and he gets some highspots. Next out, Kamala’s handler…Rimjob. “His gut’s hanging out over his penis there.” And he gets beat up by Chavo Guerrero and his stupid fucking wooden horse. “Is he going upstairs for a frog splash? No need to get hurt on this bullshit!” And then we get Willie Mack as Steve Austin, delivering some stunners to the 80s Russians before Karl delivers some beers for him to chug with Chavo. And then he turns on Chavo and gives him a stunner as well. “Dammit, don’t turn on Chavo you fucking son of a bitch!” I think we have to boost this one up to 10 billion stars, even though Gallows admitted it was probably some of the worst fucking shit in the history of pro wrestling. But I don’t want to oversell it either way.
Rapid Delivery Rory Fox v. Matt Cardona
Apparently this is REVENGE for Matt ripping off Rory’s tights “up in New York 11 years ago.” The announcers are confused because they thought Cardona was going to AEW? Luckily Brian Myers is here with a suitable replacement!
Rory Fox v. Swoggle Ryder
Shit, that reminds me that I’ve got to read Hornswoggle’s book after I’m done with Al Snow’s. Myers helpfully sings “On Radio”, although Swoggle says “Whoa whoa whoa” instead of “Woo Woo Woo” for legal reasons. He tries the purple nurple on Rory, but gets stomped into the corner. So Myers is disgusted with this treatment of a midget dressed like Zack Ryder, and comes in to take out Fox and then slam Swoggle onto him for the pin. And then Fox loses his tights again, exposing his “16 inch penis” according to Gallows.
Meanwhile, the hardcore match concludes as one of the guys slides into the pool and the announcers declare that the match is over because they’re tired of it. Dave Penzer: “The loser of the hardcore match is Doc Gallows, because he booked this shit.” Oh and Nature Boy is still holding the fucking headlock.
Meanwhile, Chico El Luchador does some weightlifting, but Chavo sneaks in for a spot and drops the barbell on him. Man, if there was any weights on that thing, that would have been dangerous! So they begin a 24/7 match, as Chavo locks him in the sauna. “There’s some toilet paper in there, to wipe your sweaty ass!” But Chico escapes that and Chavo wonders if he’s on the gas because he’s so strong. They stop to respect each other’s grandfathers, and NOW BACK TO THE ACTION. Chavo uses the dreaded ROLLUP OF DEATH and wins the 24/7 title, which he’s going to take home and have sex all over. “POR QUE??? POR QUE???” declares the fallen ex-champion. But then Chad 2 Badd stops to admire the title belt and then turns on Chavo, hitting him with it to win it.
N-Zo is here and he doesn’t even know what the fuck he’s supposed to say. So he gives away the finish of the main event (“I hope that’s OK, I’m getting the thumbs up from the producers over there”) and then he leaves again.
Meanwhile, Nature Boy finally gets his headlock reversed! And then three Elvises, two of which used to be Curt Hawkins and Heath Slater, fight it out for the contract in a tree, but everyone gets punched in the nuts and one of them makes out with a fat chick in a bikini. “The winner of the contract in the tree match…who really gives a fuck?” I hope Dave Penzer got paid…well anything. But extra.
The BONER-YARD match: Chad 2 Badd v. Sex Ferguson
So Chad now has the 24/7 title to defend, and he’s not scared of Sex Ferguson despite the spooky atmosphere and guy playing guitar in the background. Sex drives into the match in his golf cart, and Chad drags him out by his ears, JUST LIKE HE PROMISED, and tries to burn his face in the flaming barrel. “DON’T BURN ME YOU SHIT-EATER!” Thankfully he does not. Sex boots him down and forces him to kiss his ass (“Oh man it smells like shit!”) but Chad punches him in the dick to escape. “Your balls smell like tuna fish! That’s why you didn’t get over!” Luckily Sex’s drug dealer stops by and dumps pills down his throat, so he makes the dramatic comeback and dumps him on the nearby grave, where a familiar hand is sticking out. “Uncle Allan, is that you? I thought you were going to save us! That’s why you changed shows.” Sex switches his gimmick again and throws Chad into the hearse (oh yeah there’s a hearse) but Chad sends him into the grave, where Uncle Allan’s hand is there to jack him off. Meanwhile Chad dances with Maria Kanellis, who suddenly realizes that she’s a mother now and they’re both idiots, and leaves. Heath and Curt cheer them on from lawn chairs (“Who booked those sons of bitches?” “You did, that’s why you suck!”) and then Rock N Roll Express stops by for a cameo on the way to their gimmick table, followed by a procession of Druids. At this point, Sex and Chad decide to team up one last time…but Ricky and Robert have set up their gimmick table and get in the way. “A gimmick table? For real? I thought you guys were kidding! And where does everyone keep coming from, we’re trying to have a fucking fight here!” So Chad turns on Sex again and sends him into the lap of Heath (who seems REALLY happy for that) but Chad “kicks him right in the fucking ass with his karate shit”. But then Sex takes over again, demanding that Chad gets a little color for him, but Chad doesn’t get color no more. Chad goes for the ears again (“It’s the 18th time! Do you got a fetish or something?”) but Chad climbs the hearse and Sex promises that there will be rimjobs delivered soon. By Chad. Sex tries the dreaded tombstone on top of the hearse, but Chad farts and they both pass out and flash back to September 2019. So we go back to the Good Brothers meeting with the Young Bucks about joining AEW, as they’re offered big bucks and the best tag team division in the world. But they trust Paul Heyman, even though the Bucks come up with a CRAZY THEORY that someday their might be a worldwide pandemic and then you never know who’s got your back. Just hypothetically speaking. But then HHH texts them a bigger deal, even though they PHYSICALLY AGREED with the 2 Sweet thing, so the Bucks turn on them and lay them out with superkicks. “What marks. Bet they end up in TNA anyway!” So back at the Boner-Yard, Chad hurls Sex TO HIS DEATH from the top of the car and then proceeds to pick him up and cut a promo on him. “Jesus, you already threw me to my fucking death! I’m tired already!” So Chad throws him in the grave to finish him off (complete with shocked reaction guy) and BURIES HIM ALIVE. “Yes I realize I should have stayed in Japan, I fucked up, so what?” And then Chad triumphantly drives off in the golf cart to end the show. Oh and there’s a dildo in the grave and THE COCK TORTURER might be back to get revenge for Sex.
TO BE CONTINUED. MAYBE.
One star? Half a star? Somewhere in there.
Holy shit Google is probably gonna demonetize the fuck out of this review but TOTALLY WORTH IT. If you’ve longed for the return of the ICP’s Juggalo Championshit Wrestling but with actual wrestlers, this show is absolutely worth your time and money. This was Karl and Doc taking the piss out of cinematic wrestling and everything around them for 90 minutes and I laughed harder at this than pretty much anything I’ve seen all year.
If you want to check it out, and I HIGHLY recommend you do so, it’s only $15 on Fite.TV and I get a piece of the action if you use the link below: