The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.13.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.13.93

Well, let’s finish this off and then settle in and wait for them to add another dozen episodes to the Network 3 years from now.

The Mega-(Ego)Maniacs join us in the cold open, as now Jimmy Hart is in full ass-kissing mode with a red-and-yellow suit.  Like, why does HULK HOGAN need Jimmy Hart to do promos for him?  Anyway, Hulk wants Jimmy Hart to find somewhere in the desert where they can bury the bodies of Money Inc after Wrestlemania.  That’s a little dark for a show advertising to kids.  Also, Brutus Beefcake now has a stupid metal mask to protect his face, which was supposed to be fine all along.  And then Hogan hits him in the face with the briefcase a bunch of times to demonstrate how solid the mask is, and then makes up a dubious story about renting a steamroller from the city of Las Vegas and literally driving over Beefcake’s face with it.  Who the fuck was approving these stupid promos?  Who was this appealing to?

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler

Papa Shango v. Mark Ming

Shango is still around?  I guess he had the dark match with Tito at WM but I thought he was off TV by this point.  Shango misses a charge and Ming gets some boots in the corner while Savage and Lawler squabble about their sex lives.  Really, neither one is in any position to criticize the other guy.  Shango gets a slam for two and finishes with the shoulderbreaker at 1:54.  Shango was going nowhere and doing nothing, not even putting evil spells on jobbers to win at this point.

The Nasty Boys v. Ed Arce & The White Shadow

The guy is seriously named Arce?  At this point Vince notes that the Nasty Boys are still the #1 contenders but have GALLANTLY stepped aside so Hogan and Beefcake can get the title shot.  So Jimmy Hart screws them out of the titles AGAIN!  And they didn’t even have a spot on the show!  Sags shoves Arce into Knob’s armpit, and then drops him Arce-first with a pumphandle slam.  Right on his Arce!  Sags drops the shitty elbow right on the Arce for the pin at 2:38.  The Nasties had a couple of more minor appearances and they were gone for WCW by the end of April.  Can’t blame them.

EVENT CENTER!  WITH SEAN MOONEY!

Apparently “Mega-Mania” is running wild in the WWF.  I’d like to see some numerical proof of that assertion, because I don’t believe it.  Anyway, Crush is disgusted because clowns are supposed to make people laugh and kids happy, again showing how out of touch with pop culture that Vince was since the Joker and Pennywise and even John Wayne Gacy had been things for many years up until that point.  And then we get another Giant Gonzalez promo in front of the cheap curtain backdrop.  STOP PUTTING HIM ON TV!

Yokozuna v. Casey Cleric

Hopefully Cleric can roll 1D20 and avoid getting squashed.  Hang on, let me check my DM notes…nope, defense fails, geek gets butt splashed at 2:34 for 25,000HP of damage.  And since he’s only got 200HP, he’s fucked.

Ray Rougeau joins Yoko in the ring right afterwards for a special interview while the extra from Boogie Nights rolls around in pain in the corner.  Master Fuji promises that they’ll no longer call Bret Hart “The Hitman”, but rather “THE SQUASHED MAN”.  Rougeau thinks that Bret deserves some respect, and this angers Yokozuna so much that he beats the handlebar moustache right off the doofus and squashes him again.  Then sits on him while Fuji finishes the promo.  Sucks to be him.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT!  WITH MEAN GENE! 

We get a rebuttal from Bret Hart, and Bret isn’t impressed by Yokozuna squashing some idiot over and over.  Man, even Bret is burying the poor dummy.  THE MAN HAS A FAMILY!  Anyway, Money Inc calls Hogan and Beefcake “Mega Idiots” and “Mega Morons”, so you know this is a bigtime double main event!  Also, they’re gonna bring an armor-piercing briefcase to penetrate Beefcake’s steel mask.  Meanwhile, Crush is in Hawaii and sends in his promo for Doink, and then does some surfing.  Wow that’ll really show him.  Also, we have BREAKING NEWS!  Bob Backlund makes his first Wrestlemania appearance against Razor Ramon.  And did you know that PPV is available in nearly EVERY HOME IN THE UNITED STATES now?  Well that’s a gigantic lie.  Call and order now!

Tatanka v. Al Burke

Burke of course later ended up on the Herb Abrams circus as “Dr. Feelgood”.  Not really a huge bragging point but you take what you can get.  Tatanka chops him down, but misses an elbow and Burke gets some punches in the corner, which only riles up Tatanka, who actually makes a comeback against this jobber and finishes with the Papoose to Go at 2:00.  So this brings out Giant Gonzalez, who is in ANOTHER segment on this show, literally on TV every week and getting more and more overexposed every time he appears.  Tatanka just walks away, and Harvey informs us that Gonzalez was supposed to wrestle THIRTY PEOPLE tonight, 10 at a time, but when they heard who they were wrestling, they all packed their bags and ran for the door.  I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.  Anyway, Undertaker is also a coward, and they’re going to go find him right now and destroy him.  I believe this was the same segment that was cut into Mean Gene’s Wrestlemania report last week as “breaking news”.

The Narcissist Lex Luger v. Joey Maggs

Jumping in here before the usual suspects to note that Vince talks about Mr. Perfect doing a hockey vignette beforehand, which we do not see here.  Luger works a headlock in between posing while Vince emphasizes how you need “the proper supplements” to be a successful bodybuilder.  It’s just hitting the low hanging fruit at this point.  The STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH finishes at 2:14.

EVENT CENTER!  WITH SEAN MOONEY! 

We get words from the Headshrinkers and Bob Backlund.  Bob telling us that he loves and respects people in a dead-eyed monotone is more terrifying than anything done by Dexter Lumis in NXT thus far.

NEXT WEEK:  Giant Gonzalez!  ENOUGH WITH GIANT GONZALEZ ALREADY!  Also, Doink!  Kamala! Bob Backlund!  Money Inc!  And Lex Luger does a special interview!  These shows are making me want to retroactively go back in time and get a refund for Wrestlemania.

Well, much like I did a couple of years ago, we bid farewell to WWF Superstars for the foreseeable future, as there are no more episodes currently uploaded. Maybe someday we’ll get more, who knows.  These ones have really been sucking anyway, so what I’d rather see is the Championship Wrestling shows from 82-86, which avoids the Superstars legal troubles and also gives us much-needed content from the Hulkmania golden age that’s sorely lacking from the Network in its current form.