The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.06.93
Taped from Long Beach, CA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage. Lawler warns Hulk Hogan that maybe he shouldn’t trust Brutus Beefcake, which is definitely a subplot that was never explored. That actually would have been an interesting way to screw Hogan out of the tag titles, if Brutus was working with Money Inc all along.
Razor Ramon v. Brian Boyer
Razor beats on Boyer in the corner while Vince notes that this might be the first time in WWF history that someone has wrestled with a toothpick behind his ear. I can’t argue with that. Razor finishes him with the backdrop suplex and Razor’s Edge at 2:00. Ramon was completely directionless at this point, and even the announcers are like “Well, he’s got nothing going on for Wrestlemania, I guess.” The Kid feud and face turn was a godsend for him.
Meanwhile, Tatanka beats Shawn Michaels in a non-title match last month to earn a title shot at Wrestlemania. And then on RAW, we get a six-man with Tatanka & The Nasty Boys against Shawn & The Beverlies, where Tatanka pins him AGAIN.
Crush v. Louie Spicoli
Crush hits him with a belly to belly suplex, but Spicoli slaps him and runs away. So Crush brings him back in with a press slam and then tosses for him a big boot on the floor. Back in, Crush goes up with a clubbing forearm from the top and then a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, which sets up the head vice to finish at 2:25.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
We get a promo from Giant Gonzalez, who they shoot from below and thus you can see the ceiling above the backdrop. I know these are just generic drop-in segments to substitute for the local house shows, but Gonzalez really was on TV too much at this point.
Meanwhile, Hacksaw Jim Duggan has a fireside chat with us, and after years of carrying the flag proudly, he made the mistake of turning his back on “Yokozuma” and got laid out as a result. HE LET US DOWN. He let the flag down! And for that, he’s sorry. See, like THIS should have been leading to something at Wrestlemania with Yokozuna, instead of just throwing Yoko in there with Bret Hart and then jobbing him to Hogan. I really feel like, from watching at the time, that they never really put in the work with Yoko to make people care about his character and his challenge of Bret. Plus this showed that Duggan could still connect if he had material to work with.
The Headshrinkers v. Gary Key & Davey Starr
Lawler advises Duggan to go work at a self-serve gas station so that people won’t have to look at his face. That’s just mean! Fatu throws Starr around with a slam while we get an inset promo from Afa with subtitles. This kid Starr does a great ragdoll sell, just flinging himself around for the Headshrinkers and playing dead from every move. Double facebuster and flying splash finish at 2:45. I actually went to look up Starr on Cagematch but the only one it finds is David Starr, and I’m assuming THIS Starr is older and less of a sexual predator than that one.
Bret Hart joins us for our special interview this week leading up to his title defense against “Yokazuna”. Everyone’s counting him out already! And they were right to do so, as it turned out.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Brian West
What is with West’s singlet here? Did he put it on backwards? Bigelow gets a suplex and butterfly bomb, and then finishes with the diving headbutt at 1:13. OK, that had to be an edit, because West was on his hands and knees when Bam Bam went to the top and by the time he came down one second later, West was magically on his back to take the move. Are we to believe that he just magically flipped over between camera cuts? I sure hope someone got fired over THAT blunder!
Meanwhile, Hogan and Beefcake discuss Wrestlemania, as Hogan denies that Beefcake is the “weak link” in the team and in fact nothing was ever wrong with his face in the first place. And even though IRS hit him in the face with a briefcase that was loaded with “100 pounds of solid steel”, the titanium plates in Beefcake’s face are made by NASA and didn’t even move. This is seriously one of the worst storylines they’ve ever done.
WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!
Mean Gene translates Hogan’s rambling bullshit interview and confirms that it means they accept the challenge for Wrestlemania. Once again, thank god Mean Gene was around to make sense of some of this stuff. Anyway, greatest Wrestlemania ever, limited seats still available (even three weeks out?), and apparently we will have “vestal virgins” in attendance. Are we counting internet fans already?
BREAKING NEWS! Giant Gonzalez is in the ring looking for the Undertaker. AGAIN with this guy on TV every week. His aura was ruined by the time they got to Wrestlemania. So Giant growls at the crowd and then we go back to Mean Gene.
The Steiner Brothers v. Ed Moretti & Dan Farren
For some reason, Farren is wearing a mask and sweatshirt. That’s quite the look. Vince immediately gets Moretti’s name wrong as Scott takes him down and brings in Rick. Come on, Moondog Moretti had been around since the 70s, it’s ridiculous to think that Vince wouldn’t have heard of him. Rick ties up Moretti and then Farren comes in and takes the Frankensteiner at 2:20.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Crush is so wrecked by Doink’s attack that he was left an incoherent mess that just says “SHAKA!” and “BRAH!” after every sentence. CTE is real.
NEXT WEEK: The Nasty Boys! Lex Luger! Tatanka! Yokozuna! And we’ll hear from the Mega-Maniacs, goodie, as they have a BIG SURPRISE for Money Inc.