The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.27.93
Taking a break from 89 NWA this morning!
Taped from San Jose, CA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage. They’re all very excited about Hulk Hogan returning.
The cold open this week sees Ray Rougeau interviewing Doink the Clown, who is unconcerned with facing Bossman tonight. And he offers a magic trick with Ray’s hankie before paying it off by blowing his nose and returning it. OK, I laughed.
Yokozuna v. Brian West
Jerry Lawler promises that he’s spoken with the emperor of Japan and he will in fact be making a personal appearance at Wrestlemania. I feel like he’s lying about that. But to his credit, so does Vince. Yoko immediately hits this geek with the belly to belly and legdrop and then follows with the avalanche and buttdrop at 2:00.
Meanwhile, Vince does a phone interview with Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s father, who is a retired chief of police. He’s still proud of his son even after getting his ass kicked on national TV, and can’t wait until he returns to TV to further get his ass kicked like the loser he is! Granted I’m extrapolating some of that. But you could tell that he felt that way.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Mr. Perfect is gonna call Lex Luger the NAR-SISSY.
Also, the Headshrinkers are gonna make the Steiner Brothers feel pain like never before. I dunno, they already had to work for Ole Anderson, that’s hard to top.
Giant Gonzalez joins us for a special interview with Ray Rougeau, as they’re already overexposing this guy badly. Not even just because I desperately want him to not be on TV, but for legitimate reasons. Gonzalez promises to bury the Undertaker, delivering the line with all the passion of a guy who doesn’t speak English learning to memorize it 5 minutes before the show.
The Nasty Boys v. Mark Ming & Jim Gorman
Man, this Ming guy. I’ve heard he’s merciless. He also looks like he took a bath in baby oil before the match. Oh hey, speaking of baby oil covered doofuses, we haven’t talked about Hulk Hogan enough yet, so Vince wants to broach the topic here while Knobs drops elbows on Ming. Sags comes in with a sideslam where he nearly drops the guy, probably because he’s so slippery, and that sets up the pitstop. Over to the other guy and they finish him off with the Shitty Elbow at 2:35.
Meanwhile, we take you back to Monday Night RAW, where Hulk Hogan returns to a pretty subdued reaction. He was watching the show last week and saw Brutus’s face crushed into a million pieces! But he’s OK. So…why am I supposed to be concerned as a fan, then? Hulk wants to thank “the big man upstairs” for watching after Brutus. I’m pretty sure the big man upstairs was too busy helping a rapper win a People’s Choice Award that night. Maybe it was Satan? So this brings out Beefcake with fake looking “broken nose” makeup, and they introduce Jimmy Hart as their new manager. Like, who could possibly have wanted to see that? All of a sudden lifelong weasel manager Jimmy Hart is helping longtime enemy Hogan because he felt sorry for Beefcake? This was STUPID.
Doink the Clown v. Big Bossman
So this was apparently taped from Wrestling Challenge and they’re just airing it here. Doink quickly hits him with a box loaded with something and gets a neckbreaker, then takes him down with a crossface and turns it into a half-crab and then an STF. Backdrop suplex gets two as Bobby and Gorilla do a whole thing on commentary where they recognize Doink but can’t put their finger on it. Doink with a hammerlock and he shoots the half for two. Doink goes up and gets slammed off as Bossman finally gets some offense with a clothesline into the corner. Big boot and Popeye punch set up an avalanche, but Doink pulls a spray out of his jacket and blinds Bossman for the pin at 4:19, but then the ref overturns it into a DQ instead. And that was the end of the Bossman for another five years. OK match, weak finish. **1/4
WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!
Gene really does need to warn us that tickets are going fast, especially with Hulk Hogan probably showing up. I mean, there are some seats left, sure, but hurry the fuck up, ya know? Anyway, Bret Hart lets Yokozuna know that “the bigger you are, the wider you spread”. I think that’s advice we can all use. Also, Crush is back, brudda, and he’s gonna explode with rage like a VOLCANO, brudda! Like with a couple of hours of warning and then atmosphere-polluting ash? Maybe that’s where the Kronik gimmick came from.
Lex Luger v. Jim Powers
Powers dares to use the mirror for his own posing, and Lex will not stand for that. Also, Powers off the juice probably shouldn’t be showing off his posing. I mean, I don’t wanna steroid-shame anyone here, but Randy Savage was wise enough to wear a shirt, ya know? Lex lays him out and powerslams him and then finishes with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH at 1:30. Vince notes that there has been some “conjecture” about the forearm. I mean, I hit the guy in the face with a running elbow! Of course he’s gonna knock him out. Clearly Vince isn’t a doctor so BACK OFF.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
My god, people, do we have to keep reminding you that tickets are gonna be sold out completely as soon as Hulk Hogan is announced for the show? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SITTING THERE WATCHING THIS SHOW? GO BUY TICKETS! DAMMIT! Can you live with yourself knowing that good seats were still available and you didn’t buy them? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT TO CONTINUE LIVING WITH YOURSELF KNOWING THAT?
Next week: Crush! Razor Ramon! The Steiner Brothers! The Headshrinkers! Bret Hart!