The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.20.93
Taped from San Jose, CA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage. Jerry thinks it’s hilarious that Beefcake nearly had a hockey game break out because there was a FACE OFF on RAW. Randy Savage, the man who once dropped a RING BELL on Steamboat’s face, is gravely offended by this joke.
Earthquake and Bam Bam are READY for their random feature match, and apparently an earthquake is going to extinguish Bigelow’s flames! I don’t think physics quite agrees with that one.
Razor Ramon v. Buddy Wayne
Pretty badass red and gold tights on Razor here. Buddy Wayne was another guy who worked extensively for Al Tomko’s promotion in Vancouver, and did matches at my high school on more than one occasion. Razor throws him around and gets the sack of shit slam off the middle rope, then follows with a backdrop suplex and finishes him with the Razor’s Edge at 2:12. RIP to Buddy as well, as he died a few years back.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!
Yes, Brutus Beefcake tried to make a comeback on that new Monday night show that all the youths are making TikToks about. Gene notes that Beefcake was “showing no signs of ring rust after his long layoff”. Even by pro wrestling standards that’s a big lie. So we get footage of Money Inc. double-teaming him while Jimmy Hart pleads for mercy, suddenly developing a conscience after decades of hitting people in the face with a megaphone. Trust me, NO ONE wanted to cheer Jimmy Hart, and no one wanted to see Hulk Hogan with a manager. Anyway, Gene has good news about Beefcake’s condition: He suffered a broken nose and there’s “some dislodging” of the plates in his face. How much is “some”? More than a bit? Less than a lot?
Mr. Perfect v. Bobby Young
Vince McMahon, who clearly isn’t a medical professional based on his handling of the Covid situation, changes the story to “slight dislodging” of the metal plates in Beefcake’s face. SO WHICH IS IT? I’ve got money riding on this! Perfect leapfrogs the jobber and hits a dropkick, then slugs him down with a forearm and throws chops in the corner. The necksnap follows and Perfect hits a kneelift while calling out Razor Ramon. Wait, wasn’t his issue with Lex Luger? And NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 2:14.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
HOLY SHIT DID YOU KNOW HULK HOGAN IS GONNA BE ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW? Anyway, Bret Hart would be a liar if he told us that he wasn’t concerned about Yokozuna. God forbid.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Earthquake
Bam Bam tries some shoulderblocks and Quake doesn’t move, and then he stomps Bigelow down, but misses an elbow. Bam Bam gets a suplex and goes to the chinlock. “What’s the ICOPRO situation here, Vince?” asks Savage. Is that a code phrase in case the feds are watching the show? Bigelow gets a pretty impressive backdrop suplex on Quake, but misses a headbutt and Quake comes back with an avalanche in the corner. A third one misses, of course, and Quake takes a bump to the floor from a weird artistic camera angle in the corner, and Bigelow wins by countout at 4:10. Pretty OK hoss fight but the finish was crap. ** Especially since this was Quake’s last match in the promotion before he went to Japan!
Kamala v. Mike Starr
Yes, it’s ANOTHER Tomko guy from that time, in the form of Mike “Michelle” Starr, who was another frequent holder of the UWA World title at a high school near you. I’m actually friends with him on Facebook now. Kamala with the usual chops while Kim Chee comes out to distract him, because THAT was apparently supposed to be a feud we gave a shit about, and the splash finishes at 2:22. This “lovable cannibal” act was so lame. There’s a reason why he was literally a heel in every other territory he ever worked.
Meanwhile, Debra Duggan, who is apparently Jim’s wife of 10 years, is PREGNANT, which is pretty much the worst time for her husband to get crushed by Yokozuna. And she doesn’t want him to wrestle anymore! I mean, to be fair, I didn’t really want to watch him wrestle anymore, either. My god, though, this was even more exploitive and raw than the Melanie Pillman interview years later! Also, did she know about the dildo blender when she married him? Asking for a friend.
WRESTLEMANIA IX! REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!
Did you know that Yokozuna is a master of ALL OF THE MARTIAL ARTS? He’s from Japan, you see. Now added to the show: Perfect v. Luger! Steiners v. Headshrinkers! Tatanka v. Michaels!
Undertaker v. Raven Clark
What kind of a stupid wrestler name is “Raven”? Taker beats him down and pulls on the face, then chokeslams Clark and pins him with the tombstone at 2:00.
Meanwhile, Crush is all about helping the starving kids in Somalia, brah.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Sean recaps all the big news for the week that we’ve learned in this past hour, and we get promos from Shawn Michaels and Undertaker in advance of Wrestlemania. Great seats still available!
NEXT WEEK: Big Bossman v. Doink! Yokozuna! Lex Luger! Giant Gonzales!