The SmarK Rant for World Championship Wrestling – 01.31.87

The SmarK Rant for World Championship Wrestling – 01.31.87

Haven’t checked one of these out in a while, so it’s back to 1987!

Taped from Atlanta, GA

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & David Crockett

Jimmy Garvin v. George South

I think WWE should release a CD of their non-copyrighted ripoff music, starting with Garvin’s “Well Attired Fella”, as performed by AA Bottom.  A guaranteed hit!  Garvin puts South down with a shoulderblock and always has time to fluff his hair because it’s the 80s.  Jimmy grabs a headlock and then stomps him down as the crowd actually chants “Let’s Go George!”  Is his family in the audience or something?  Actually that’s probably not out of the realm of possibility.  Precious is actually cracking up at ringside hearing this surge in popularity for South, so Garvin makes sure to find the cheering section and chokes him out on the ropes right in their direction.  George gets a couple of rights, but Garvin puts him away with the brainbuster at 3:20.

Over at the desk, Garvin tells Tony to tell his mom, REBECCA, to stop calling Jimmy at home asking who his next opponent is going to be.  HE DOESN’T KNOW, TONY!  Crowd:  “We want Brad!”  Garvin:  “That’s so stupid!  People are so stupid sometimes!”  But then his lips are getting too dry, so he needs to leave and go make out with Precious.  And they’re still together today!

Brad Armstrong joins Tony at the desk, and tonight he’s got Tully in a TV title match for $10,000 if he can win the title.

Ron Garvin v. Gary Royal

Another quality jobber tonight!  Crockett:  “Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to watch this man, Ron Garvin”.  I’m so confused about what I was supposed to be doing before now.  I will say, unlike his hippie brother/stepson Jimmy, Ronnie has a SHARP haircut for 1987.  Garvin goes for the leg, but Royal fights back with forearms, so Garvin just beats the shit out of him in the corner for daring to try any offense.  Crucifix hold on the mat, but Royal foolishly fights back again, so Garvin just punches him in the face repeatedly and then rakes the back while David is DELIGHTED at the suffering being dished out by Garvin here.  This could be happening to the Midnight Express, Tony!  Royal fights back again, the poor stupid fucker, and Garvin puts him in the corner and brutalizes him with chops, then ties him up on the mat.  Royal fights back AGAIN and whips Garvin into the corner, but he goes up and misses a senton and Garvin has had enough of this doofus and puts him away with HANDS OF STONE at 4:31.  Tremendous squash here.

Garvin joins us at the desk and we’re gonna see some footage later of the Midnights trying to DECAPITATE him, and that’s not gonna fly with him.

Paul Jones is here with the REAL R&R – Rude and Ragin’ Bull – and although they don’t yet have their invitation for the Crockett Cup, they can only assume it’s coming soon.  Fernandez clarifies that “R&R don’t stand for insurance policies”.

World TV title:  Tully Blanchard v. Brad Armstrong

Brad comes right at Tully at the bell and hiptosses him before the man can even take off his sweet jacket, so Tully bails and hides behind JJ.  Brad chases him back in and drops an elbow for two, and Tully desperately crawls for the apron, but Brad drags him back in for two.  Finally Tully rakes the face and they slug it out, but Brad takes him down with a cradle for two.  He goes for a suplex and Tully rakes the eyes to escape and then hits him with a kneelift, but Brad sends him into the corner for a Flair Flip to the floor.  JJ demands that the match be stopped for an immediate DQ, but no go.  Brad hauls Tully back in and gets a delayed suplex for two.  Tully leverages Brad to the floor to buy some time while JJ counts the money at ringside, but we gotta take a break!  Back with Brad making a comeback on Tully with an atomic drop into the corner and he drops a knee for two.  Brad with something resembling a northern lights suplex for two, and he runs Tully into the corner for two.  Tully goes for the ropes to hide, so Brad hits him with a kneelift for two and slugs away in the corner, then hits a powerslam for two.  Brad works the count, which isn’t a great idea with a minute left in the match, and Tully runs away again and heads to the back.  So Brad chases him back to the dressing room and hauls him back to the ring, then goes up with a missile dropkick for two.  In a nice touch, he makes sure to hook the outside leg so Tully can’t have it in the ropes, but Tully has his arm in the ropes anyway and so it’s a break.  Brad with the legsweep, but time expires at 10:00 and Tully retains the title by the skin of his teeth.  Really good TV match.  ***1/2

Dick Murdoch joins Tony to put over the previous match, but he’s got other things on his mind, like a TEXAS BARBED WIRE match with Big Bubba in Kansas City this weekend.  Not just regular barbed wire, I guess, but extra sharp TEXAS barbed wire!

Jimmy Valiant is here, and he’s got lots of cards and letters from Tennessee and Alabama.  Sadly, he can’t read, but he has Baron read them for him.  But Baron only speaks German so he’s not much help.  So send him pictures instead!  Poor Tony can’t even pretend to keep a straight face through this wackiness.

Lex Luger v. Tommy Angel

JJ Dillon is now hanging out in Luger’s corner, and Lex beats Angel down and hits a back elbow and kneelift, then drops him on the top rope and finishes with the HUMAN TORTURE RACK at 1:30.

Luger and Dillon join Tony at the desk, and JJ clarifies that the Horsemen are still tight and they weren’t planning expand, but Lex Luger only comes along once in a lifetime so they had to jump on it because there’s room in the limo for Lex as well.  Lex notes that when he left Florida, everyone called him, but JJ didn’t, and that intrigued him.  Tony:  “But is he a Horseman?”  And then JJ blows him off and leaves.  Hmm.

Baron Von Raschke joins us, and the lights are actually reflecting off his bald head.  That’s some impressive head shine going there.  He’s baking a weasel trap for Paul Jones.

Ric Flair & Ole Anderson v. Tim Horner & Eddie Roberts

See, look at how tightly knit the Horsemen are!  Ole is teaming up with Ric here and everything’s FINE.  Horner goes after Ole to start and wins a mat wrestling battle, but Flair comes in to chop Horner in the corner.  Horner gets a slam on the champ for two and works a hammerlock, but the Horsemen tie him up in the corner and double-team him.  Ole lets him tag in Eddie Roberts, and we take a break.  Back with Flair working Roberts over with a back suplex and then he throws some chops in the corner while Ole chokes him out.  Ole with more choking on the ropes, but Horner gets a hot tag and puts Ole down with an elbow for two.  But then he makes the stupid mistake of bringing Roberts back in, and he gets creamed by Ole immediately and thrown to the floor by Flair.  So Ric brings this geek over to the desk and chops him right in front of Tony and David.  Back in, Horner comes in again and makes a comeback with a dropkick on Flair and cradle for two, but Ole makes the save.  Flair hauls in Roberts and chops the shit out of him, then Ole hits the flying knee to the shoulder and puts him away with the armbar at 9:52.  The Horsemen actually gave these two a TON of offense for some reason and really let them shine.  **1/2

JJ and Luger have more words for Tony, but Barry Windham interrupts and he’s still disgusted with Lex’s choice of associate.  JJ gets in his face and Barry goes to do something about it, but Lex CLOBBERS Barry from behind, smashing the desk up and setting off an (associate) Horsemen beatdown until Ron Garvin makes the save.

The Russians join Tony at the rebuilt desk, as Vladimir Petrov continues looking like the least convincing Russian in a sport that includes multiple people from Minnesota playing Russians.  Anyway, their goal is to hurt Dusty Rhodes.  I can respect that.

Vladimir Petrov v. Zane Smith

Petrov quickly gets a clothesline and drops Zane on the top rope, nearly managing to miss.  He goes up with a move that’s supposed to be the Russian Hammer but he somehow manages to forget which arm he was using while in mid-air, and kind of gently shoves the guy to the mat instead and pins him at 0:45.  This was less than a minute and they still managed to expose Petrov in that time.  He was SO TERRIBLE.

The Superpowers are pretty pissed off about Barry Windham getting laid out RIGHT HERE ON THIS CONCRETE FLOOR and if anyone is getting funky like a monkey, it’s HIM.  And HIM ONLY.  No one else shall be funky or resembling a monkey in any fashion on his watch!

Rick Rude & Manny Fernandez v. Rocky King & Kent Glover

Oh yes, next up on our best-selling WWE Ripoff Music Volume 1 playlist on Spotify, it’s “Loquacious Engineer” by Spa Day.  Really sets the mood for love, but without pesky royalties.  Rocky King grabs a headlock on the Bull, but he gets chopped down and Rude comes in with a faceplant.  Snap suplex gets two and it’s over to Glover.  Tony and David note that Jones is still upset that they haven’t been invited to the Crockett Cup yet, with spots filling up and all.  I’m PRETTY sure that the World tag team champions will be invited at some point.  R&R drop Glover on the top rope and Rude hits the Rude Awakening DDT to finish at 2:56.  He had a good DDT, it’s too bad he had to drop it in the WWF.

Jim Cornette stops by to insult Tony and introduce the Midnight Express (“Nice haircut, did it come with a couple of pork chops?  I don’t know what the guy got for it, but he should have got 20 years!”)

The Midnight Express v. Vern Deaton & Larry Stevens

Streaming for your pleasure in WWE Ripoff Music Volume 1, it’s “The Pursuit” by Georgie Marauder!  The Midnights have swanky matching tights this week and Cornette is immediately going off about conspiracies against his team.  Eaton beats Deaton down and tosses him, so Condrey throws him back in while Cornette complains about Jim Crockett being a tightwad.  Why, he’s cheap that he probably tries to get out of giving David Crockett his allowance every week!  And then Cornette transitions right into making fun of Stevens’ tights, what with the lavender color scheme and hearts on his ass.  The Express double-team him and Condrey hits a brainbuster as Cornette wraps up his rant and leaves.  I should note that Cornette literally cut a promo for TWO MINUTES AND FORTY FIVE SECONDS without stopping to take a breath.  Even Tony has to give him props.  Condrey powerslams Stevens and a flying knee from Eaton puts him away with one finger at 4:20.

Ric Flair is all changed into his nice suit and he’s back for some words with Tony.  He hates getting sweaty before interviews, Tony!  Anyway, Lex Luger has really been impressing him, even though they didn’t always see eye to eye.  Anyway, Nikita Koloff can only pose “like this” (and he does the Nikita pose in a hilarious throwaway bit) just like all the women he knows who have “full sweaters and empty heads”.  Oh, and Barry can have his shot at the bigtime, and all he has to do is beat Slick Ric.  No problem, right?  So Ric pulls out his wad of cash (NEVER CARRY LESS THAN FIVE GRAND, TONY!) and peels off $500 so Tony can go buy a new coat.  Remember:  The Horsemen like ‘em between 18-28, no boyfriends, and come meet ‘em in the limo.  Crazy that Flair just cuts a normal Flair promo here and it’s better than anything seen on TV today in years.

JJ Dillon is back talking about Luger again, and everyone wants to be a Horseman, but Tim Horner interrupts and he offers to take Barry Windham’s place in the next match.

Arn Anderson v. Tim Horner

Horner attacks Arn and gets a monkey flip for two, but tries a rollup and gets blocked by AA.  Arn tosses him and runs him into the post.  Back in, spinebuster, and he makes sure to rub Horner’s face in the mat a little bit, but Barry Windham returns from injury and chases Arn to the back for the DQ at 1:45.  So his injury at the hands of Lex Luger didn’t even last for the rest of the show!  Typical Luger, he’s only in the promotion for a month and he’s already choking.

Jim Cornette joins us again and shows the footage from NWA Pro, as Garvin squashes some geek and the Midnight Express attacks afterwards and tries to DECAPITATE him on the apron.  Luckily, Barry Windham saves before they can successfully murder Garvin on national TV.  And then all the stupid stinking rednecks in the audience will have to admit that the Midnight Express is the greatest thing in wrestling today!

And we wrap things up with Tully Blanchard and JJ, as Tully puts over the effort of Brad Armstrong, who sadly turned out to be a loser.   So they replay the attack on Barry Windham from earlier and then the Horsemen all gather at the desk and cut a Four Horsemen promo, although notable that Luger is standing there in the background and Ole Anderson is nowhere to be found.  The plot thickens.

I always enjoy these shows and this one was no different, although it kind of lost steam by the end.