Something tells me the name of this tape is writing a cheque that the WWF isn’t going to be able to cash, but we’ll give them a chance to live up to it.
So, are you ready to laugh?!
I SAID ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH?!?!
Well let’s watch some chuffing wrestling!!!
Sean Mooney is our host and he does the best he can to hype the tape. Poor sod, they weren’t paying him enough for this.
Ball and Chain Match
Bobby Heenan Vs Big Boss Man
This one all stemmed from Heenan making insulting remarks about Boss Man’s momma. Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes are handling the call of this one. Bobby tries to worm his way out of the match by saying he sent Boss Man’s momma some roses and spoke with her on the phone. Bobby begging to save his skin is entertaining at least due to how good he is at playing a snivelling coward. Boss Man teases that he might let Bobby live, but then changes his mind and pins him rather easily.
WINNER: BIG BOSS MAN
RATING: About as funny as dropping the soap
Mr. Perfect funs down to try and rescue Bobby but takes a kicking too, over selling it in his usual great manner.
Next up we get the Gobbledy Gooker coming down to the ring to dance with the ring announcer from the WWF Wrestle Fest arcade game whose name always escapes me. The Gooker was an ill-fated attempt by the WWF to give themselves a fun dancing mascot but they overegged the pudding (Pun thoroughly intended) by teasing for weeks that something would hatch out of a big egg at Survivor Series 1990. Once the Gooker came out of that egg after all that build up his goose was instantly cooked. I believe Hector Guerrero played the role and he does flips and such whilst dancing. The camera manages to find the one fan who is actually having fun.
Apparently we aren’t Gooked-out yet, as we get treated to him coming down to dance once again, this time with poor Howard Finkel. This was probably a rib on the Fink from Vince McMahon. “I’ll show Finkel for having the temerity to actually like wrestling and not be a weird psycho jock bully like me, make him dance with the Gooker PAL! Hur Hur Hurrrrrrrrr!!”
Rhythm and Blues (Honky Tonk Man and Greg Valentine) w/ Jimmy Hart Vs The Bushwhackers (Luke and Butch)
Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby Heenan and Lord Alfred are handling the call here. Hammer went to the trouble of dying his hair jet black for the purpose of this gimmick, which seems like far too much effort for what was the most lower mid-card team that ever lower mid-carded. It makes sense that The Whackers make an appearance here, seeing as they always struck me as the lobotomised WWF equivalent of great comedy duos, such as Morecame & Wise, Hale & Pace and Rikishi’s left and right buttocks. The Whackers run wild in the early going, even messing up Honky’s hair!
You tell em Wayne! Honky and Hammer tease walking out, but sadly they don’t deliver on that promise and this match is forced to continue. Hammer shows a bit of personality as a wacky Honky impersonator actually, even going as far to do the Honky styled stooge bumping for The Whackers. Think about that, Hammer’s gimmick at this time is that he was an Elvis Impersonator of someone who was playing an Elvis Impersonator. Long way from feuding with Bob Backlund over the WWF Title eh?
The heels get some heat on Luke for a bit, as this match had to be on after the interval or something because the pace hasn’t really gotten above “glacial” for the most part. I get a bit bored by the match itself and instead amuse myself over the fact that the referee looks like a pudgy smaller version of 70’s WWF Era Stan Hansen. If you know his name then feel free to send your answer in on a stamp addressed envelope to win a Blue Peter badge or something.
Heel miscommunication allows Butch to get the hot tag and he clobbers the heels with his usual rubbish brawling offence. Things break down and Luke chases Honky to the back whilst Butch sells on the floor and Valentine takes a nap in the ring. Seeing as Hammer is the only one remaining in the ring, the referee counts the other three out and declares him the winner. Normally I’d complain about the maths not really checking out, but I’m honestly just glad the match is over.
WINNERS: HONKY & HAMMER
RATING: About as funny as watching Ben Elton’s “We Will Rock You”
Next up its Buddy Roses “Blow Away Diet”, which essentially boils down to the 300+ pound Rose putting this magic powder on himself and losing weight in the process, despite the before and after pics looking almost identical. This one is actually funny, and it only took us getting half way through the tape to see it!
Buddy Rose Vs Mario Mancini
Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred are doing the commentary, and they spend the majority of it making fun of Rose for his weight. They actually do the gimmick that Joel Gertner and D-Von Dudley lifted during their time in ECW, where Rose demands to be announced as being 217 pounds when it’s clear that he’s much heavier. The crowd at least gets with it a bit.
Fat shaming is a bit of a controversial subject these days of course (And as someone who has struggled with weight issues it doesn’t really motivate people as much as proponents of it like to think it does) but I think it’s kind of acceptable when the target is someone who completely denies the fact they are obese and acts like they are much thinner than they truly are.
Mario actually gets to bump Rose around with his enhancement talent offence of hip tosses and dropkicks in the early going (Sadly he doesn’t swing Rose around by his legs before flinging him at a bomb whilst yelling “So longeeeeee Buddy!”), but Rose slingshots him to the floor and then starts working him over. Rose actually looks like he’s really struggling after a certain point, with his face turning different shades of red as the bout wears on.
Honestly I think they might need to find a phone box with a defibrillator in it if this one goes for much longer. Thankfully Rose himself seems to also get bored with how long this squash match is going on for and catches Mario with a lame looking back breaker to pick up the three count before expiring then and there.
WINNER: BUDDY ROSE
RATING: About as funny as eating a bucket of lard
Next up it’s a Brother Love segment, where Roddy Piper has tied Smithers up and torments him for a bit before sending him scurrying off in his underwear. Meh, it wasn’t especially funny but Piper was over with the crowd at least.
Following that, Mean Gene Okerlund goes to visit The Bushwhackers at their hut, which I think we’re supposed to believe is in New Zealand. There’s not a single sheep in sight so I’m calling nonsense on that one I’m afraid. Ah New Zealand, the only country where mint sauce is considered an aphrodisiac. The Whackers offer Gene some of their special outback buzzard and Gene partakes, which leads to him slowly morphing into a Bushwhacker himself. Gene’s gradual selling of turning into a Whacker is probably the best bit of the whole tape actually.
We follow that up with Ultimate Warrior running Brother Love out of the WWF by destroying him prior to WrestleMania VII in order to hype up his career ending match with Randy Savage. I never saw this as a funny moment actually, with it always coming across as a more serious angle to show that Warrior was really mad and that Savage needed to be worried at Mania. Watching Smithers get wrecked is fun I guess, but it’s not especially funny if you get me?
Sean Mooney closes us out and we are finally free to go home to our loved ones.
This tape is only an hour long and it still manages to drag somehow. If they really wanted to show us something funny then they should have just filmed the meeting where Vince tried to sell Tony Atlas on the idea of Saba Simba.