The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.24.20

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.24.20

We should probably enjoy these while we can given the state that Florida is in right now.  Unless it’s just an elaborate work while WWE Films does a remake of Contagion.

Live from Covid-land, USA

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Jim Ross & Excalibur

Lumberjack match:  Wardlow v. Luchasaurus

JR notes that it’s a battle of the monster trucks.  Oh great, is someone gonna fall off the roof of Cobo Hall now?  It’s a HOSS FIGHT to start and Wardlow clotheslines him to the floor, where the babyface lumberjacks offer support and pats on the back.  Back in, Wardlow beats on Luchasaurus in the corner and tosses him to the heel side, where there are less supporting pats on the back, but Luchasaurus clears them away anyway.  Wardlow suplexes him back in and then hits a capture suplex and pounds away from the mount.  Wardlow goes for the mask (spoiler:  It’s Austin from Big Brother) but Lucha makes the comeback with high kicks and a legsweep into a standing moonsault for two.  He goes for the chokeslam, but Wardlow breaks the grip and they fight to the apron.  Lucha clears the lumberjacks out, but Wardlow suplexes him back into the ring.  They slug it out and the dinosaur gets some high kicks, but Wardlow fires off a rana and Luchasaurus gets a sort-of Spanish Fly for two.  That didn’t really work out well but points for effort, I guess.  They fight to the ramp and Wardlow hits a powerslam out there and then hurls Jungle Boy into the heel side.  This WILL NOT STAND and Luchasaurus gets all fired up and makes the comeback, as they fight to the stage.  Wardlow tosses Marko Stunt into a pile of people, but Luchasaurus boots him into the pile and then follows with his own shooting star press off the stage.  Back in, Luchasaurus with some kicks and the chokeslam, but MJF takes the ref and Jungle Boy takes him out.  But then Wardlow goes right to the dinosaur eggs and hits an F5 to finish at 9:16.  And it quickly turns into a complete brawl, with Best Friends dressed up as actual lumberjacks, and the end result is MJF & Wardlow v. Luchasaurus & Jungle Boy at Fyter Fest.  This was much better than you’d expect, although they actually tried too much stuff where they didn’t need to.  ***1/4

Meanwhile, Taz breaks down the offensive moves of Brian Cage and cuts a promo on Moxley while he’s at it.

Meanwhile, at ringside, Britt Baker passes a note to Tony, as we learn that she’s encased in plexiglass and has guards stationed for extra security.  Also she wants to know what’s up with Luchasaurus and his green tongue.

Hikaru Shida v. Red Velvet

Kudos to Ricky Starks for mugging like crazy at ringside and making the most of his TV time.  Shida is all distracted by Penelope Ford, but she still blitzes Velvet and DOES THE DEAL with a falcon arrow at 0:11.  Then she charges into the crowd and beats the everloving shit out of Ford and her entourage, smashing one of Sabian’s lenses in the process.

Meanwhile, at the press conference for Cody v. Hager…Hager isn’t there yet.  So we take a question from “Liz Hunter from Pro Wrestling Illustrated” and then “Matt Brock”, which is insanely hilarious deep cut wrestling nerd stuff.  Anyway, Cody doesn’t like “cosplay wrestling” or fake fighting, and he wants to feel a man suffer when he slaps on the figure-four.  Finally Hager shows up and throws a drink in Cody’s face and we’re out.

Meanwhile, Joey Janela stops for a midnight burrito at the gas station while some street toughs harass Sonny Kiss, but they team up and fight them off.

Colt Cabana & Mr. Brodie Lee v. Sonny Kiss & Joey Janela

Kiss flips away from Lee and hits a handspring into a slap in the corner, but Mr. Brodie slugs him down and then tosses him back into his own corner.  Over to Janela and he doesn’t fare any better, so Brodie lets Colt have a shot at it.  Kiss and Janela team up with a Hart Attack on him, but Lee comes in and cleans house himself.  Silver & Reynolds get a cheapshot on Kiss behind the ref’s back and Colt hits an elbow for two and we take a break.  Back with Janela hitting something on Colt for two, and then the babyfaces hit stereo moonsaults to the floor.  Back in, Joey with a running elbow in the corner on Colt and he follows with a flying splash, and then Kiss hits a 450 for two, but Lee makes another save.  Joey dumps Lee and Kiss teases a dive and then boots Lee into the railing.  This sets up a Doomsday Device on Colt, but he rolls up Joey for two.  Janela superkicks Colt, but the Dark Order pulls him out, so Kiss hits them with a dive to the floor.  And then Lee DESTROYS Kiss with a superkick on the floor and then blocks a tope from Janela.  Back in, the lariat puts Joey down, and he offers Colt the pinfall, and he happily takes it at 7:48.  Colt seems pretty happy with this development.  I was really impressed with Kiss and Janela, actually, and this was a lot of fun.  *** But then Archer attacks out of the crowd and beats on Kiss before no-selling a chair to the face from Janela.

Meanwhile, on Dark, Shawn Spears uses the loaded black glove to make fruit cocktail out of Pineapple Pete.

Frankie Kazarian & Christopher Daniels v. FTR

FTR throws shade at Britt on the way by, triggering a furious note to Tony.  Harwood grabs a headlock on Kaz and Wheeler comes in to work the arm with a hammerlock and wristlock.  Daniels comes in with a leg lariat on Wheeler and beats on Cash with a headbutt, but FTR teams up to cut him off and we get a DONNYBROOK as everyone goes flying over the top rope and we take a break.  Back with Kaz hitting a slam on Wheeler, but he gets a rana on Daniels and Harwood comes in and slugs Daniels down before suplexing him onto Kazarian.  Kaz gets tossed and Harwood offers a SLINGSHOT SUPLEX and flashes the four fingers for two.  SCU tries to blocks a sunset flip, but Wheeler breaks them up.  Daniels with a small package, but Wheeler rolls them over and Harwood gets two.  Tags on both sides and Kaz slugs it out with Wheeler and they THROW DOWN.  Kaz puts him down with a lariat and tries a suplex, but Wheeler reverses out of it, so Kaz hits a backstabber into the Unprettier for two.  Wheeler counters a gutbuster and catapults Daniels into the corner, which sets up a Veg-O-Matic for two.  To the top and they try for the Power-Plex, but Daniels manages to reverse Harwood into a cradle for two!  SCU with a double team powerbomb on Harwood for two.  Daniels with the Angel’s Wings for two, but Wheeler makes the save.  Wheeler catches Kaz with a powerslam and Harwood rolls him up for two.  SHATTER MACHINE finishes at 12:43.  Holy shit FTR are just feeling it like crazy right now.  Amazing what a little motivation can do for you.  Their “tag team history nerd” gimmick is amazing.  ****1/4  Afterwards, Butcher and Blade jack their prized truck and threaten to smash it up, but Pentagon and Fenix return and we’re getting an 8-man for Fyter Fest with FTR & Bucks v. Lucha Bros & Butcher & Blade.

Meanwhile, we get dueling promos from Page & Omega and Best Friends, as they argue which team are in fact the better friends.  JR isn’t buying that Page & Omega are actually best friends.

Meanwhile, we take a look at the upcoming Moxley v. Cage match.

Brian Cage v. Joe Cruz

Cage basically does bicep curls with the geek and throws him to the ramp, and then powerbombs him back into the ring and finishes with the Drillclaw at 1:20.  Afterwards, Taz is looking for Moxley and cuts a promo through the camera.

Meanwhile, Colt is still feeling the thrill of victory and Brodie offers a match with SCU at Fyter Fest to continue their winning ways.

NEXT WEEK:  Jurassic Express v. MJF & Wardlow!  Private Party v. Santana & Ortiz!  Hikaru Shida v. Penelope Ford!  Cody Rhodes v. Jake Hager!  Omega & Page v. Best Friends!  And then the week after that, it’s Lance Archer v. Joey Janela!  Nyla Rose squashes someone!  Dark Order v. SCU!  Orange Cassidy v. Chris Jericho!  Young Bucks & FTR v. Lucha Brothers & Butcher & Blade!  Jon Moxley v. Brian Cage!

Meanwhile, Britt talks trash to Big Swole one time too many, and Swole climbs on top of the plexi cage and dumps garbage on her.

Santana v. Broken Matt Hardy

Sammy is of course unavailable for a while, so we get another Spanish substitute. Santana slugs away in the corner, but they fight to the floor and Matt sends him into the railing while Britt sends angry notes to Tony about the garbage situation.  Back in, Santana dropkicks the knee in the ropes and goes to work.  We take a break and return with Matt ducking an enzugiri, but Santana pulls out a Lionsault for two.  Matt limps around and makes a comeback in the corner and runs Santana into the turnbuckles in sequence and follows with a corner clothesline into a side effect for one.  Another one gets two.  Third one gets two.  Santana uses some interference and hits a sitout slam for two, but Matt reverses into a rollup for the pin at 10:00.  This was OK, I guess.  **

FACE OFF:  Orange Cassidy v. LE CHAMPION

Jericho likens Orange to the chicken crossing the road joke and relates a story about how he called up Tony Khan and demanded to know why AEW signed Orange Cassidy.  But apparently people love him because he’s unique.  And people love him because he’s just like them:  A lazy slacker who doesn’t have what it takes.  And if Orange tries his “bullshit kick me in the shin offense” then Jericho will beat him in 30 seconds.  So hopefully he’s got a miracle deep in his pockets.  But then Orange threatens to speak and does the shin kicks anyway to piss Jericho off.  So LE CHAMPION mangles the sunglasses, and Orange finally attacks him and they brawl into the crowd, where Jericho pulls up the jean jacket and gives him some hockey punches.  Orange makes a comeback, but Jericho swings the boom camera into Orange’s head, busting open his ear, but Orange fires up and rams Jericho’s head into the railing before running down the stairs and hitting a superman punch to send Jericho flying through a table to end the show.

YEAH!  That’s what I’m talkin’ bout.  Great show, Matt Hardy’s plodding match aside, and everything is being built up well for Fyter Fest next week.