The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.13.93
DAMN. Running out of episodes here quickly.
Lex Luger’s already been added to the intro now, as they work quickly.
Taped from San Jose, CA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler
Shawn Michaels v. Tatanka
Historic debut here, as Shawn debuts the new version of his song, with himself on vocals, that persisted for the next 3 decades. So Marty Jannetty no longer exists now and they need a new feud for Shawn, so there you go. This is one case where a non-title win over the champion serves the purpose needed. Tatanka chases Shawn around and gets caught with a cheapshot, but comes back with his own cheapshot and clotheslines Shawn to the floor. Back in, Shawn gets another cheapshot and tries a leapfrog, but gets caught with an atomic drop for two. Tatanka tackles him down for two, but charges and goes flying over the top rope. “That was literally a charging bull” notes Vince. Obviously he learned the meaning of “literally” from Gorilla Monsoon. Back in, Shawn slugs away in the corner and drops elbows, and we have to take a break! Back with Shawn holding a chinlock and he elbows Tatanka down for two. Shawn slugs away in the corner and reminds us that both guys are proponents of ICOPRO, as are all good people. Shocked he hasn’t revived it yet and paid Trump to plug it as a Covid-19 cure. Tatanka SUMMONS THE GODS and makes the comeback with chops while Shawn takes all kinds of bumps that defy physics. Shawn escapes the Papoose to Go and tries the superkick, but Tatanka ducks, hits a second one, and gets the pin at 8:32. Good little match here. ***
Last week: Jim Duggan knocks Yokozuna off his feet FOR AMERICA, but then takes salt in his face and gets flattened like the proverbial pancake. Mr. Fuji thinks this is all pretty hilarious. Our announcers discuss the situation via green screen, and Randy Savage is ALL FIRED UP about this recreation of Pearl Harbor. I’m not aware that the Japanese literally threw salt in the faces of the planes at the base, but I’ve learned something today.
The Steiner Brothers v. Al Burke & Larry Sampson
Larry Sampson is actually a guy who used to work the Vancouver territory for Al Tomko as Sweet Daddy Sampson, and he main evented a show in my high school gym a couple of years before this, and I believe was the UWA World champion at the time. Scott throws him around to start and Rick comes in with a middle rope suplex on Burke before hitting some elbows, and it’s over to Scott with the butterfly powerbomb before they put him away with the elevated bulldog at 2:15.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Brought to you by Coliseum Video, who are apparently offering Survivor Series 92 and Royal Rumble 93 as a 2-for-1 deal. Knowing the WWF they doubled the retail price of each one. We got comments from the Berzerker and Kamala’s new manager, Slick. That was such a waste of Slick after some great promos leading up to the turn.
The Narcissist Lex Luger v. Larry Ludden
Randy is pretty sure that Luger’s body comes from ICOPRO. Yeah, that’s what they found stuffed in his closet in 2003. ICOPRO. Anyway, Vince decries his “physique contest” act, because that’s 100% not what the WWF is about. You know, except for the past year where he was incessantly shilling the WBF until it went out of business. Lex throws the geek around and debuts the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH at 1:30 to finish him off. Although the announcers don’t quite get the gag yet. The forearm was actually a hell of a deal, but for a midcarder, not a main event guy.
WRESTLEMANIA 9 REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!
Bret Hart defends the WWF title against Yokozuna! Undertaker faces Giant Gonzalez! Crush takes on Doink the Clown! I can’t see how they could screw up this show.
Crush v. The White Shadow
The jobber sounds like he should be the star of a 40s radio serial. Crush gets a press slam to put the masked geek on the floor and then throws him back in for a bearhug into a belly to belly. Backbreaker and Head Vice finish at 1:28. Nice to see Crush actually working like he’s fired up.
Meanwhile, Vince sits down with one of the all time WWF greats, Brutus Beefcake. And then he proceeds to remind Brutus about how his mother died, and then his father died, and then his wife divorced him, and finally he got his face smashed in by a parasailing accident while he was walking on the beach contemplating his life. What a dick. But Brutus attributes his comeback to God, and the Hulkster. That sounds a tad cult-like. And now on Monday Night RAW, Brutus has to face a member of Money Inc. with chances of survival slim. Well, I guess on the bright side things can’t get any WORSE for him.
Giant Gonzales (sic) v. Dan Farren, Louis Spicoli & Scott Bazo
What’s with the misspelled last name? Usually they have this kind of stuff planned out for weeks before they put them on TV. The Giant throttles Spicoli while Vince keeps calling him EIGHT FEET TALL. Like, isn’t his legit height of seven feet tall impressive enough? And then the jobbers all run away and get counted out at 1:18. Like, Vince remembers how to book Andre the Giant, right? He literally did nothing here. Aside from looking like someone’s cheap fur coat blew up on him.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Papa Shango has nothing in particular to say, and Bob Backlund never wants to let down the children and wants to be a role model. Well he certainly would be later on.
Next week: Undertaker! Kamala! Razor Ramon! Mr. Perfect! And in the main event, Bam Bam Bigelow faces Earthquake in a hella-random match.
Well, no jobbers nearly died this week, so that’s disappointing.