The SmarK Rant for NWA-TNA PPV #9 – 08.14.02

The SmarK Rant for NWA-TNA PPV #9 – 08.14.02

Live from Nashville, TN

Your hosts are Mike Tenay, Ed Ferrera & Don West.  I thought Ferrera was written out in last week’s show but I guess he stuck around for another one.

The Truth joins us as Tenay gives us a history lesson about how the NWA in its current form was created in 1948, which isn’t even a little bit true.  So Killings talks about how the color of his skin has made it more difficult for him to compete, like when he was in the WWF and “senior officials” told him that he was a “black man in a white man’s world”.  But now he’s been given opportunity and he’s gonna take it.  And then Jeff Jarrett interrupts, calling him “Walt Disney” and telling him to put his dreams away, and then goes off on his “reverse discrimination” thing again and demands his own opportunity at the title.  So this brings out Bill Behrens, wearing a cowboy hat and now doing promos like a wrestler while backed up by security.  Apparently Ricky Steamboat isn’t here tonight, so Behrens is the figurehead tonight.  And Jarrett can do the match with Truth tonight but it won’t be a title match.  Jarrett goes after Behrens, but Brian Lawler lays out JJ from behind and now they brawl.  Lawler tries to take a chair from ringside and some fan won’t let go of it, which is pretty funny and makes Brian look like a complete doofus, and then security breaks them up while Lawler yells about “I know it was you, Jarrett!”  The beginning with Killings and Jarrett was pretty good and then the segment went completely off a cliff and made no sense.  Like, I have no idea what was supposed to be happening there.

So after all that, the announcers clarify that there’s no match between Jarrett and Truth, and in fact they’re still teaming up against the tag champs later on in the show.

Kid Kash, Shark Boy & Slim J v. The Spanish Announce Team

Yes, it’s the historic TNA debut for SHARK BOY.  Jose trades hammerlocks with Kash to start and then they exchange armdrags in a fun sequence.  Joel comes in and Kash backdrops him to the apron and follows with a springboard dropkick and then a slingshot into a rana out there.  But then Jose hits Kash with a dive and Shark Boy hits Jose with a dive.  This leaves J and Red in the ring, and J does his own moonsault to the floor.  And then with everyone piled up, Kash hits them all with a somersault tope and everyone is out.  Kash slingshots in with a legdrop on Joel for two.  Slim J comes in and misses a standing shooting star, and then the Maximos do a crazy spot where one of them puts him in a backbreaker and the other one dives off the top with a double footstomp.  Next up, they put Shark Boy into a Boston crab, on top of the prone J, and put J in a camel clutch at the same time.  J fights back with a leg lariat off the middle onto Red, and Kash slams J onto Red and follows with a weird piledriver variant for two.  Looked like he changed his mind midway through the move.  Ferrera’s like “Well, when you’re inventing new moves, some work and some don’t”.  They head up top and Kash brings him down with a powerslam for two.  Slim J goes up and misses a Phoenix splash and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA.  Kash hits a Maximo with a DDT for two but Red saves, and follows with a diving flatliner on Kash for two.  Shark Boy with the Diamond Dust for two (although I think that got a different name later) and Kash hits a double underhook piledriver on Red for two.  The SATs put Slim J on top and hit the Spanish Fly, and Red finishes him with the corkscrew moonsault at 10:34.  Well at least they put over the Spanish Fly this week.  Went a bit long with all the big MOVEZ and near-falls at the end but it was a big effort from everyone.  ***1/4  Slim J looked greener than grass, and given that he was 17 at this point, it’s not surprising.

Meanwhile, the Dupps annoy Goldy Locks and show off their outhouse, which is apparently their version of MTV Cribs.  Apparently there’s shit in there that’s five years old, and it really stinks.  I can sense a hilarious payoff coming!  Of course that’s not typically how outhouses work unless you’re confusing them with Porta-Potties, but man it’ll be worth it in the end, I bet!

Bruce joins us to thank us for his successful title reigns as Miss TNA, although all the “hosebags” in the audience can only dream about having his beauty and poise.  Meanwhile the crowd chants “You suck dick” and they have to bleep out every time they say “dick”, which makes it sound ridiculous.  Anyway, he challenges any of the “fat hogs” in the building to face him for $5000, which is more than they make on the street.  Although he does clarify that you need more than one tooth, so that eliminates most of the crowd.  Anyway this drags on and Borash finds someone in the crowd and has her sign a release.

Miss TNA:  Bruce v. Rando From the Crowd

The girl is an obvious plant, who hits a spear and legdrop and then tosses Bruce over the top and slams him on the floor, completely killing the “random fan” thing because she’s obvious a trained worker doing normal wrestling spots.  Back in, she hits another slam, but Bruce rolls her up for the pin at 1:55.  According to Cagematch, her name is Tina Hamilton and apparently this stupid “open challenge” storyline is a long way from being over.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is doing an interview with Goldy, and finds Bill Behrens on the toilet.  And then Bo Dupp bumps into Teo the midget and thus that’s a challenge.

Dupp Cup:  Teo v. Bo Dupp

Teo attacks Jeremy Borash for an immediate 2.5 point lead while Don West explains the rules to fans over the PA and does commentary.  So apparently they kept Tenay off commentary for these matches because they knew how stupid it was and didn’t want to hurt his credibility.  Teo spanks him with the toy horse, but Bo likes it, so it’s no points.  Apparently Stan is dealthy afraid of midgets and “screams like a pussy” so the Dupps are at -5 points.  Bo beats on him with various weapons, including a board with “no lil people” written on it.  Stan goes after the ticket lady to try for some points, but gets chased off with a broom as they repeat all the same stupid jokes from last week to diminishing returns.  Bo takes Teo to the outhouse, but Puppet pops out and attacks, and Teo shoves Bo’s head in the toilet for the win at 4:20 to win the Dupp Cup.  See!  I told you the payoff would be hilarious!  Midget in an outhouse!  That’s comedy gold!  -****

Detroit Street Fight:  Elix Skipper v. Monty Brown

As usual with Russo, we jump right to the gimmick match before the feud has even started.  Like, this is literally a weekly show where you’re trying to convince people to pay to stick around for the long term, why not just start with a MATCH?  Also we just had a garbage match 5 minutes ago, maybe give that a rest.  Monty attacks to start and Elix tosses him and chokes him out with a chain on the floor, where it hurts more.  Brown grabs a trash can lid but Elix beats on him with it and then sends him to the floor again.  Elix puts a trash can on top of Monty and hits him with a slingshot splash to the floor, which gets two.  Back in, Elix beats on him with a stop sign, but Monty punches the sign and then hits some kind of spinning slam bullshit that he calls THE ALPHALUTION.  What the fuck kind of name is that?  And then a powerbomb on the stop sign finishes at 5:41.  Hey, you know what finally got Brown over?  Hitting guys with a spear and pinning them.  Just saying.  *1/2

Meanwhile, the Flying Elvises are mourning the 25th anniversary of the death of Elvis, but Sonny Siaki is also too cool for the team and he HATES ELVIS.  He died on the toilet taking a dump, you know.  So why the fuck is he even part of the team?  Just leave and do something else.  Jesus.  What is with Russo and his obsession with “People trapped in gimmicks they hate”?  Also, we’re at three segments with literal toilet humor.

X-Division Title:  Low Ki v. Sonny Siaki v. Jimmy Yang v. Jorge Estrada

This is a four-way match but more properly a four corners match, with tag team rules.  Low Ki fires away with chops on Siaki and hits a rolling kick, but tries a handspring elbow and gets caught with a powerbomb for two.  Estrada comes in with a standing moonsault for two, but Ki kicks the crap out of him.  Estrada and Yang double-team Ki and Estrada gets a moonsault for two, but Siaki breaks it up.  Yang comes in and boots Ki down before hitting a leg lariat out of the corner and they slug it out.  Ki comes back with the Ki Krusher into the corner, but Yang wraps him up with a hanging triangle in the corner and follows with a sleeper.  Ki escapes with a backdrop suplex, but Estrada tags himself in and dropkicks Yang to the floor.  He follows with a dive, and back in for a tornado DDT, but Yang lands on his feet and dropkicks him.  Yang hooks the Boston crab and Estrada immediately taps at 6:54.  That looked weird.  Yang beats Ki down and goes up with a missile dropkick for two, but he tries a moonsault and Siaki crotches him.  Ki Krusher eliminates him at 8:00.  Siaki comes in for the double down and Low Ki hits forearms and a springboard kick, but Siaki slugs him down, only for Yang to hit Siaki from the floor and allow Ki to get a rollup for the pin at 9:20 and retain.  Some good spots but not much to this one.  **

Meanwhile, Jerry Lynn drives Goldy out to meet AJ Styles and attacks him, because this week they’re fighting again.

Jive Talkin’ with Disco, and his guest is “Dean Baldwin”, who is supposedly a Baldwin brother but is actually Shark Boy without his mask.  So we get endless stupid “comedy” about Hollywood as Disco wants details about the sex life of Alec and Kim, but then Brian Lawler interrupts and he doesn’t give a shit about anything but Jeff Jarrett and whatever secret thing that Jeff Jarrett did to him that was horrible but we can’t reveal yet.  So badass Grandmaster Sexay attacks “Baldwin” and lays him out because apparently everyone is Steve Austin in this promotion.  Except Austin would have been able to successfully grab a fucking chair from a fan in the front row instead of looking like a dork.

Meanwhile, Stan Dupp freaks out and leaves the promotion.  And he never came back, instead going to Japan for a tour before getting signed by WWE as Trevor Murdoch.

NWA World tag team titles:  Jerry Lynn & AJ Styles v. Jeff Jarrett & Ron Killings

AJ takes a few minutes to come out after the beating from Lynn earlier in the show, but he makes the save while Jarrett and Truth double-team Lynn and he hits Jarrett with a quebrada to the floor.  Lynn stomps Truth down in the corner and hits him with a monkey flip.  Bulldog gets two.  Lynn and AJ double-team Truth, but Jarrett gets a sitout slam for two as this one is just not clicking at all on either side.  Probably because both teams are booked as hating each other so there’s not really any reason to care about either one winning.  Lynn gets a rollup on Truth for two, but Truth puts him down with an axe kick for two.  Ferrera points out how ridiculous it is that Lynn would go beat up his own partner before a title defense, and Tenay has to somehow defend this as an idea that makes sense.  Again, if they don’t want to be champions, then just give up the titles!  Are they being forced to defend them or something?  Truth gets a slam on Lynn for two and a leg lariat for two, but Lynn fights back with a tornado DDT.  AJ gets what is supposed to be the hot tag, but the crowd is cheering for JJ instead.  AJ tries the Styles Clash, but Truth breaks it up.  AJ gets a senton for two and they set up for a Hart Attack, but AJ slips on the ropes and lands on his face in an embarrassing botch.  Ref gets bumped and Lynn hits an inverted DDT on Jarrett, but the ref is busy selling a low blow and misses it.  So Lynn hits Truth with the cradle piledriver, but Jarrett saves with the Stroke and AJ hits Truth with the Spiral Tap, and it’s a double pin at 12:28.  So the titles are held up by Bob Armstrong, and we get a rematch some other time.  Match was a complete mess, call it *1/2.

Next week:  Truth defends the title against Monty Brown, and AJ faces Jerry Lynn in a two out of three falls match with gimmicks in the first two falls and then another gimmick in the third fall.  And Jeff Jarrett, who still doesn’t get his title shot, gets a surprise opponent next week instead.  Oh, and Sonny Siaki faces Jimmy Yang in another two out of three falls match.  Don West does his usual tremendous job of the hard sell to end the show and we’re out.

This show SUUUUUUUUUUCKED.  Oh, but on the bright side, this version of the show only runs 1:40 because they had to edit out a Don Harris v. Malice match where Don came to the ring wearing an “SS” t-shirt, so at least it’s shorter than usual.