The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 10.30.95
This is a special Halloween themed episode, which means EXTRA terrible puns.
Taped from Brandon, MB
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler
Goldust v. Savio Vega
Minor but annoying note: At this point, the “Tubular Bells” ripoff theme just loops the initial portion endlessly, rather than the extended version that became the norm later. Goldust attacks and pounds him in the corner, but Vega fires back before missing a dropkick. Speaking of Goldust, how shall I phrase this delicately…he’s not wearing a cup and his wang is very prominent through his tights. If you know what I mean. Goldust works the arm and it’s weird to see him in the original yellow tights rather than the more flashy gold ones he later adopted to better effect. Really, everything about the character at this point screams “work in progress”, and we take a break with Goldust working on the arm. Back with Goldust cutting off a comeback, but he misses a charge and Savio makes the comeback as Vince supposes that Goldust will be a box office flop! Well, he’d be the expert on THAT. Vega misses a charge, hits the ringpost, and Goldust gets the weak pin at 7:49. The canned heat was pretty overbearing here and Dustin was still far from where he needed to be. *
Survivor Series Slam Jam with Dok Hendrix and a shitload of caffeine. Bret Hart v. Diesel will be no DQ, no countout, no time limit!
Meanwhile, Barry Horowitz settles his cultural differences with Hakushi via Karate Fighters.
Marty Jannetty v. Joe Dorgan
Dorgan gets some offense in the corner, but Marty puts him down with a monkey flip and fistdrop before hitting the chinlock. Corner clothesline and another chinlock as Marty seems to have forgotten how to call a squash. Flying fistdrop finishes at 2:42.
Jim Cornette introduces his official legal counsel, Clarence Mason, and he’s very litigious. Apparently the contract stated that the winner of the Diesel v. Bulldog match would get Bret Hart at Survivor Series, and since Bulldog won by DQ, he should have that match. That’s odd reasoning. Regardless, they’d use that to justify Bulldog’s title shot in December.
The Smoking Gunns v. Phil Apollo & Joe Rashner
Usual Gunns squash and they finish Apollo with the Sidewinder at 3:00, as the Kid challenges them to a rematch sometime soon. For some reason Vince kept referring to Phil Apollo as “Otis”. Must be some weird Vince joke I’m missing.
Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Owen Hart
Razor dumps Owen with a clothesline and works on the arm. I think WWE.com should do a ranking of Razor’s gear at some point, because he’s got the purple and yellow set tonight and I think it might be his best. I know the latest Countdown show is “Best ring gear” because apparently they’re already running out of ideas and/or recycled talking heads, so clearly this is a topic that could be explored further. Owen cheats and makes a comeback, but Ramon lays him out with the blockbuster slam and goes back to the arm again. This brings out Yokozuna and Jim Cornette goes running to cry to him about a phantom eye injury delivered by Ramon. That’s pretty great. We take a break and return with Razor still working the arm, but Owen finally tosses him to take over. Baseball slide into the railing and Owen follows with a missile dropkick for two and chokes him out on the ropes. Razor tries a comeback and Owen cuts him off with a neckbreaker and goes up with a flying legdrop for two and we suddenly take another break. Did you know that the WWF is coming to the E.A. Diddle Arena in Bowling Green, KY sometime in 1995? And yet they haven’t done a show here in Saskatoon since Alberto Del Rio was champion in 2011. (Post-2014 Update: They came back a bunch of times since then.) Back with Ramon making the comeback with the middle rope backdrop suplex and we take ANOTHER abrupt break out of nowhere, returning with Yokozuna breaking up the Razor’s Edge for the DQ at, I dunno, call it 15:00 after all the ridiculous ad breaks added in. Honestly, the match was hacked to pieces by all the breaks and you could barely follow the finish. ** Yoko and Owen try the heel beatdown, but Ahmed Johnson saves and bodyslams the shit out of Yokozuna like it ain’t no thang. No wonder this guy was Vince’s wet dream.
Next week: Bret Hart & Hakushi v. Jerry Lawler & Isaac Yankem!
The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 10.30.95
Live from Dayton, OH
Your hosts are Eric Bischoff, Bobby Heenan & Mongo
Sgt. Craig Pittman v. Eddie Guerrero
Pittman has to be a tough guy because he wears a string of bullets around his neck while walking through pyro. That’s just a bad idea. Eric notes that lots of people are “faxing in to WCW” looking for results of Halloween Havoc, but we won’t know until the tape arrives later. What kind of a batshit crazy organization is this? How can they not have a tape of their own PPV broadcast from the night before? What exactly is WCW’s fax number and how did people get it? SO MANY QUESTIONS RAISED. Pittman throws Eddie around, but Eddie takes him down, so Pittman gets a clothesline for two and starts working on the arm. Pretty nice belly to belly suplex gets two. Eddie blocks a rollup and gets a bodypress for two, but Pittman suplexes him again as this is going beyond style clash and into complete trainwreck. Eddie thankfully rolls him up for the pin at 5:31 to end it. So, so, so awkward. ½*
Scott Norton v. The Shark
Sharkalanche with the suplex and elbow for two to start, but Norton comes back with a flying shoulderblock that nearly misses, but still gets two. They clothesline each other for the double count (at 90 seconds in?!) while Heenan is seen dining with Sonny Onoo. They fight to the floor and both are counted out at 2:45. Total waste of time. DUD
Tony Schiavone makes his Nitro debut, interviewing the newest version of the Four Horsemen following last night’s betrayal of Sting. Pillman in particular is just having the time of his life out there, yukking it up with Flair and living his dream. Nothing much here, as Arn’s explanation is “Everyone’s been bugging us for two years about when the Horsemen would come back…well be careful what you wish for.” And that’s really all you need.
Disco Inferno v. Sabu
Now HERE’S a style clash. Sabu interrupts the dancing and destroys him with a pair of springboard dropkicks, but Disco gets a clothesline off a hairtoss and stops to dance again. Disco pounds away with elbows in the corner, but misses a charge and gets slingshot legdropped for the pin at 2:25. Disco was several miles out of his league here, especially at this point in his career. * Sabu tries to put him through a table after the match, but the table no-sells and holy shit that probably hurt. Maybe prep the table next time, geniuses.
Lex Luger & Meng v. The American Males
Oh, this is gonna be a squash. Luger (and his new manager Jimmy Hart) of course is suddenly a heel after Halloween Havoc, but apparently no one in the building realizes it. Did Luger bring Scotty Riggs with him as a flagbearer as a condition of jumping ship, I wonder? Meng starts kicking the shit out of Riggs and we take a break right away, returning with Riggs slugging it out with Luger before walking into a Hart Attack clothesline. What’s kind of weird here is that the Males had just lost the tag titles “two days ago” (in reality a month ago) but there was literally no mention of it on the show and they just kind of said “Oh, by the way, the Heat will defend the tag titles this Saturday”. I mean, I know we’d all like to forget their tag title reign, but that’s quite the burial. Riggs is ugmo in peril and Meng gets a backbreaker, but Riggs gets a sunset flip on Luger for two. Meng continues beating on him, but it’s hot tag Bagwell and he backdrops Luger all over the place. Jimmy Hart distracts the ref, however, and Meng kicks Riggs in the head to set up the torture rack at 10:45. As suspected, this was a very very extended squash for the Dungeon. *
Last night, Jimmy Hart and Lex Luger betray Hulk Hogan and all sorts of wacky stuff happens, resulting in the Giant winning the World title in his first match because of a Vince Russo-style “He didn’t read the fine print” plot twist. This, however, was not established until next week, probably because they hadn’t figured it out yet. Regardless, Giant will “defend” “his” “title” next week.
Wow, two greasy turds in a row doesn’t bode well for the future of this show. I give it another five years, maybe five years and a few months at most, before it goes off the air.