The SmarK Rant for ECW Hardcore TV – 10.31.95
Might as well add a review of this one since we were just going over it in the Observer.
Your host is Joey Styles
Beulah introduces “Eric Bischoff”, who is hosting Monday Nyquil, where the big boys play with each other. Along with co-host Bongo! Apparently he likes to fire people over the phone, though the secretary, because he’s not very brave. BOTTLE OF GERITOL ON A POLE MATCH! All the old codgers will be scrapping around and using their walkers, because they’re the hottest show on TV. He doesn’t know the names of any of the holds, and if he doesn’t put you sleep, the matches probably will. But they’re LIVE.
Well that’s an amazing start. I feel like Steve Austin’s a little bit bitter.
Joey runs down the card for the November to Remember show on 11/18, and did you know that Terry Funk is contemplating retirement?
Meanwhile, “Eric” gets woken up from his nap after a boring match on Monday Nyquil, and then falls asleep again.
The Pitbulls v. Don E. Allen & The Broad Street Bully
They clear the ring, superbomb, goodbye at 0:25.
Jason then comes down to make his pitch for managing the Pitbulls again, noting that they should dump their prostitute Francine and he literally kicks her out of the ring. So they attack him, but the Eliminators hit the ring and destroy the Pitbulls. Their finisher is called “Hurricane Eliminator” at this point, which definitely needed some workshopping. And then Rick Steiner & Taz make the save and clear the ring.
We take a break and the Eliminators return and attack Steiner & Taz now, but the Pitbulls return and make the save for THEM. For some reason the Pitbulls’ music is dubbed over with the same generic crap that is used for the main theme. So after a lot of chaos (while Taz sits it all out due to a neck injury) the babyfaces finally clear the ring and send the Eliminators and Jason running away.
Meanwhile, the Dudley Boyz announce that their newest Dudley, Buh Buh Ray, will be their ring announcer at November to Remember. He’s got a bit of a speech impediment, of course. So Buh Buh shows off his dance while Big Dick growls at him. And Dances With Dudley volunteers, but he’s suspiciously Mexican.
Meanwhile, Mikey Whipwreck trains for his ECW title match with the Public Enemy in Central Park. Rocco runs down all the great boxers who have trained at night in the Park and then goes to find some police cones and maybe a stiletto knife for obstacles. But then Grunge coincidentally finds a ladder and a six pack of beer hanging from a tree. So the training begins: Run up the ladder, fetch Johnny a beer, then count to ten and run up to fetch another beer for Johnny. Or five, whatever. And of course Mikey is exhausted and Johnny is blind drunk, at which point Rock returns and Grunge falls into the ladder and leaves Mikey hanging upside down from the tree. Another classic.
ECW World title, ladder match: The Sandman v. Mikey Whipwreck
So although Mikey trained hard in running up and down the ladder, the belt is not suspended from the ceiling and it’s just pinfalls and submissions. Man, Sandman’s entrance loses so much when you delete “Enter Sandman”. He just looks like a doofus hanging out on the floor and smoking without it. I will say, at least the abomination dubbed over for Mikey at least kind of SOUNDS like “Loser”. So after the 10 minutes of introductions, Steve Austin interrupts before the match so that he can climb the ladder to the top that he couldn’t in WCW. And from up there he sees “two jabronies and a five dollar piece of ass”. He’s STEVE AUSTIN, dammit! His “I’m a bigger star than any of you losers” gimmick is so ridiculously true. He immediately comes off as miles above nearly everyone on the entire show. Also, Woman shouldn’t look at him all pissed off because it’s her fault that she married a midget and not his. But if he could find five dollars he’d put a clothespin on his nose and give her a try. And then he carries Woman to the back to keep her out of the match. Mikey attacks with the ladder to start, but Sandman suplexes him onto it and then puts the ladder on Mikey’s head and somersaults onto it. Nearly slipping off the apron in the process of course. Sandman throws him out of the ring and beats on him outside, running him into the rail and then suplexing him onto the ladder rib-first and hitting him with a legdrop. Mikey fights back with a chair and Sandman looks drunk off his fucking ass while selling. That’s a stretch, I’m sure. Mikey with the rana, but Sandman dumps him into the crowd and dives onto the ladder for the see-saw spot. Ask Joey Mercury how fun that one is. Back in, Sandman tries another slingshot onto the ladder, but he misses and Mikey makes the comeback and hits Sandman with the ladder a bunch of times to bust him open. That only gets one. Mikey goes up with a flying splash onto the ladder, onto Sandman, and pins him to win the ECW title at 6:25. Cactus Jack comes out to celebrate with his “friend”, but then the real babyfaces all come out to celebrate with him instead. I’m glad it was just a clean win, but the match really sucked and Sandman could barely do anything. ½* The results portion of the Observer had this one listed by the reader as ***. Yeah, I’m not seeing it. Of course Mikey’s big moment didn’t last that long.
And we finish with a retrospective video of Sandman’s title reign with more shitty generic music overdubbed. And Sandman promises he’ll be back, to close the show.
Almost nothing in the ring to speak of on this one, but the MONDAY NYQUIL saga and Steve Austin looking like a bigger star than any of the misfits and drunks in the locker room are the highlights for sure.