The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.07.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.06.93

Taped from San Antonio, TX

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage.

This week:  It’s THE UNITED STATES VERSUS JAPAN!  Who says there’s no original ideas left in wrestling?

The Nasty Boys v. Dave Silguero & Robert Taylor

Vince notes that they’re not exactly normal role models and are indeed nasty boys.  Well they say the best gimmicks are your real self turned up to 11.  Taylor immediately takes the Pitstop and Silguero comes in and eats an elbow from Sags.  Not the Shitty Elbow, that’s still to come.  Sorry, spoiler.  Sags with the pumphandle slam as Vince notes that the Nasties haven’t really changed their style or moveset or attitude since they turned babyface.  And then they wondered why the turn didn’t particularly work.  Shitty elbow finishes at 2:15, as noted previously.

UPDATE!  WITH MEAN GENE!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WWF MERCHANDISE CATALOG! 

Did you know that if you miss a PPV, you might miss something unexpected?  And then you’ll literally never have any idea what you missed!  Except of course for this specific instance, because we’re going to tell you exactly what you missed with Giant Gonzalez making his debut, and then also show you the extensive footage of Giant Gonzalez attacking Undertaker.  But any other time, though, you’re ON YOUR OWN, PAL!

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Rudi Flores

Bigelow pounds on Rudi in the corner and follows with a corner splash, then goes up to the top with the diving headbutt, which Vince notes is a metaphor for his career in the WWF.  Going to the top and immediately falling down on his face?  Sick unintentional burn from Vince there.  It still finishes at 0:54.

WRESTLEMANIA is coming to Caesar’s Palace! 

Event Center!  With Sean Mooney!

Everyone is talking about heading to Wrestlemania, especially Big Bossman!  Well except for the fact that he was nearly gone from the promotion by the time this promo aired.  Also Damien Demento, who will victorious forever, for as long as forever lasts.  I believe in this case “forever” was about another week, at which point he went around the horn doing jobs to Tatanka and El Matador.

Meanwhile, at the Royal Rumble, Lex Luger debuts.

Doink the Clown v. Reno Riggins

Doink’s music is somehow even more evil and sinister here in his debut.  Doink quickly wraps up Reno and hits a pumphandle slam, then dodges a monkey flip attempt in the corner and finishes with a stump puller into a rollup for the pin at 0:55.  Vince is completely offended by this act, noting that clowns are making children laugh and not cry!  Pretty sure Joker had been a thing since the 40s, last I checked.

Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect finds some geek in the locker room who acts like Luger, so he gives him a chop to cut off his posing.

USA v. JAPAN CHALLENGE:  Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Yokozuna

Duggan and Fuji have a literal flag-waving contest and we actually have to take a break before this clash can begin!  Vince would like to remind us that this is not a sanctioned match, despite the referee in the ring and all.  The point is instead to knock your opponent off his feet, which ironically is exactly what wrestling matches used to be.  So Duggan charges in with the three point stance and gets smacked down, then regroups and does it again, but Yoko doesn’t budge.  So a third one finally puts Yoko on his ass, giving Duggan the stirring victory FOR AMERICA.  But then Yoko tosses the salt in his face, a literal Pearl Harbor job, and Duggan is staggering around with white powder all over his face, unable to see straight.  I’m sure he knows nothing about that.  And then of course, much like Pearl Harbor, Yoko also delivers the Banzai Drop, just like Japan sitting on America’s metaphorical chest in World War II and crushing its ribs!  And then one more for good luck, complete with Duggan getting the flag draped over him.

That’s harsh, Cowboy Bill Watts.  Well, at least I’m confident we won’t endure anything more brutal and destructive for the rest of the show.

The Beverly Brothers v. Pete Christie & Bob East

Whoops, spoke too soon.  Blake slaps East around and takes him down a few times.  Beau comes in with a butterfly suplex and it’s over to Christie, who is more mullet than man.  And then they MURDER the poor fucker with this…

Took me a bunch of tries to time that one just right.  And yeah, he landed exactly like it looks like there.  HOLY SHIT.  Shut 1993 down, no one’s following that.  And they’re worried about DUGGAN being injured?

EVENT CENTER!  WITH SEAN MOONEY! 

Anyway, despite that dude getting spiked on top of his fucking skull, we still have to get through promos from the Nasty Boys and High Energy anyway.

NEXT WEEK:  Shawn Michaels v. Tatanka!  Also, Sean Mooney drops in to announce that Brutus Beefcake returns on Monday Night RAW.  Also next week on this show:  Lex Luger debuts!  Giant Gonzalez debuts!  The Steiner Brothers!  Money Inc.!  Crush!  And a special report on the condition of Jim Duggan.  But what a report on the condition of the geek that got dropped on his damn head by the Beverlies?  He’s a man too, with a name and a family!  I mean, I assume he has those things, I don’t really care to know that much.