The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.30.93
Time for Royal Rumble fallout!
Taped from San Antonio, TX, before Royal Rumble in fact. So it’s hand-wavey timey-wimey craziness this time around. It’s like Marty Jannetty only exists as Schrodinger’s Cat, eternally locked in a state between “fired” and “not quite fired again yet”.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage. EVERYONE’S SO IMPRESSED WITH GIANT GONZALEZ. Also Randy Savage is thirsty for Cleopatra.
The Headshrinkers v. Reno Riggins & Bobby Perez
You know what’s even more impressive than this Giant Gonzalez fellow? That new show Monday Night RAW, where Mr. Perfect sent Ric Flair out of the WWF for good. One of those things certainly had more staying power than the other. Reno Riggins gets beat up and thrown around while Afa enjoys some delicious raw fish on the floor. Over to Perez, who takes a double powerbomb from the Shrinkers, followed by the double faceplant and flying splash from Fatu to finish at 2:22. But was that squash more or less impressive than Giant Gonzalez? Science will have to figure it out someday, I guess.
Meanwhile, we chat with Bret Hart, who managed to retain his title against Razor Ramon but now he’s got a lineup of tough challengers who all want a shot at him. BUT WHAT ABOUT GIANT GONZALEZ? I’ve heard he’s pretty impressive.
Damian Demento v. Tommy Knight
Look, I know what you’re thinking – it’s all well and good that Damian Demento is here, but how does that relate to Giant Gonzalez and how impressive he looked at the Royal Rumble? Can we perhaps hear more about Giant Gonzalez? Demento tries a slam and then lets it go halfway through the move due to instructions from his thumb and follows with a clothesline. Neckbreaker and kneedrop finish at 1:58. I give it 0.2 Giant Gonzalez. Just not very impressive.
You know what IS Impressive? The WWF fan club, as approved by Randy Savage!
Mr. Perfect v. Louie Spicoli
Spicoli tries a takedown and gets elbowed for his troubles, while we get an inset promo from the Narcissist, who uses lots of big words like “mesomorphic” and does a boring droning promo. However he does get a clever bit of wordplay with “to be forewarned is to be FORE-ARMED” which is indeed a nice bit of foreshadowing, fore shore. Meanwhile, the Perfectplex finishes at 2:00.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
What, no Update this week? Doesn’t Giant Gonzalez even rate a segment to remind us how impressive he was? Anyway, Money Inc. knows that the tax cheats of the world may not like them, but they’re gonna keep the tag team titles. Specifically, the Nasty Boys are really big tax cheats. Well really they’re styled as anarchists, so it’s quite likely that they ARE tax cheats. Also, maybe the Canadian government should hire IRS to go after people cheating on their CERB application, judging by the kinds of fines and jail time that Trudeau is trying to push into law. They gave out millions of dollars on the honor system and then they’re SURPRISED when people steal from them? Meanwhile, Reverend Slick would like to stress that he’s not here as Kamala’s manager, but as his FRIEND. Either way he’s still taking a 10% cut though, I bet.
Shawn Michaels v. Gary Jackson
Vince calls Shawn “the alleged Heartbreak Kid”. I’m pretty sure we can confirm that one. Jackson gets some shine with a monkey flip, but tries a second one and gets taken down with an atomic drop and clothesline for two. We get an inset promo from Sherri talking about how Marty Jannetty was the only one there for her and he’ll be there for her long-term. Or not. Shawn finishes with the superkick and teardrop suplex at 2:00. Extra points here for Lawler actually getting a funny line when he notes that Marty is a real Don Juan – as in women Don Juan anything to do with him! Unless he’s related to them, apparently.
Well I had to make a meme with that one at some point, might as well have been here.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan joins us for a special interview about that big “Yokozuma”, who hasn’t even been knocked off his feet yet! Wait, didn’t Randy Savage do just that in the Rumble? I guess this was taped before that, but still, I HOPE SOMEONE GOT FIRED FOR THAT BLUNDER. Anyway, he’s gonna attack Yoko until he can’t attack any more, FOR AMERICA.
High Energy v. The Brooklyn Brawler & Chuck West
Vince spreads rumors that Todd Pettingill is going to be managing High Energy soon. I don’t even know what to do with that one. Owen gets a rana on the Brawler and Koko comes in and works the arm before throwing him with a hiptoss. Over to Chuck West, but Owen comes in and drops an elbow on him before following with a snap suplex and a backbreaker. Koko gets the missile dropkick and Owen pins him with a jackknife at 2:20.
And now, FINALLY, we go back to the Rumble to see how impressive GIANT GONZALEZ was! So we get a clip of him lumbering around and doing his half-assed chokeslam on the Undertaker.
I know, right? We should be paying Vince to watch these shows! Well actually I am because I’m paying $10 a month for the Network. SO WHO’S STUPID NOW, PAL?
Kind of lost my point there somewhere.
Bob Backlund v. Iron Mike Sharpe
I’m pretty sure they literally worked together in MSG in the 70s. And yet no one talks about the inspirational comeback being made by Iron Mike Sharpe! Also, I think one of the bigger tragedies of the pandemic is that obsessive-compulsive hand-washer Mike Sharpe sadly passed away before he was able to truly fulfil his destiny. Bob uses his rasslin’ skillz to evade Sharpe and escape a full nelson, then gets the rolling reverse cradle to finish at 2:45. Bob wants to go all the way to the WWF title again! Yeah right, that’s about as likely as Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage jumping to WCW.
Razor Ramon v. Pete Christie
As always, Razor would like to remind us that if something happen to his gold, something happen to you. I wonder if he said that to the pawn shops when he was at lower points in his life? Razor with the usual abdominal stretch and backdrop suplex to set up the Razor’s Edge at 2:25.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Virgil is still ridiculously positive about the year ahead, despite the horrendous series of ass-kickings he’s already taken one month into 1993. Don’t worry Virgil, Olive Gardens will open up again someday in 2020 and then you’ll have your day! Also, Bam Bam Bigelow is visualizing his goal of being the next WWF champion. I’m kind of hoping he had a vision board in the back to make it happen. So there’s positivity all around this week. Finally Tatanka loves that when he fights, it’s like having all his fans in the ring fighting with him. That’s pretty messed up, actually.
BREAKING NEWS: Shawn Michaels has left the building.
Next week: Bam Bam Bigelow! DOINK THE CLOWN debuts! Also, Yokozuna faces Hacksaw Jim Duggan and uh, spoiler, that doesn’t go very well for Duggan. Of course, the possibility always exists that Duggan deliberately took a horrific beating because he was a secret ANTIFA agent who was stirring up trouble.
Well we’ll just have to wait and see I guess.