The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.23.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.23.93

Taped from San Antonio, TX

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage.  Lawler and Savage bicker about which one is going to win the Rumble, but ironically, it’s the third man in the booth who is the only one to go on and actually pull it off.

Hulk Hogan also seems to have reappeared in the intro.  Or maybe he was there before and I didn’t notice, but he’s pretty prominent again all of a sudden.

Undertaker v. Dave Silguero

Taker puts Silguero down with a surprising drop toehold and beats on him, then follows with a high angle suplex to drop him on his head.  Flying clothesline and tombstone finish at 1:50.

UPDATE!  WITH MEAN GENE!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO! 

Sadly, after last week’s brutal clown-related beating, Crush is now out of the Royal Rumble, which Gene demonstrates by dramatically wielding the fake arm and proclaiming that it’s “obviously filled with lead and weighs 15 to 20 pounds” before tossing it aside like it’s some kind of cheap plastic prop!  So we go back to last week as Doink disarms Crush with a smile, and then dis-arms himself and beats him right in the mullet with the fake arm.

Marty Jannetty v. Ken Johnson

Marty slugs away on this geek, who looks like a taller Dutch Mantell, and he finishes with a flying fistdrop at 1:15.

EVENT CENTER!  WITH SEAN MOONEY!

We get a real parade of winners here, with Damian Demento and Koko B. Ware declaring that they’re going to win the Rumble.  I’m dubious about those claims.  I ordered the show at the time because PPV was a new and exciting thing in Edmonton for us, but I wouldn’t drop $30 or whatever these days on it.

Papa Shango v. Rudy Gonzales

Rudy Boy might have been unremarkable as a jobber, but he went on to work with Shawn Michaels in his school and has Daniel Bryan to his name as a student.  Shango throws him around, hits a corner splash, and finishes with the shoulderbreaker at 1:33.

Now available:  WWF Spotlight magazine, with the entire issue devoted to Bret Hart!  Finally, journalism that Bret can get behind.

Bret Hart joins us for a special interview, but Razor quickly interrupts on the big screen and tells him to CHUT UP, CHICO.  Razor recaps Bret’s career and lets him know that squashing Owen like a cock-a-roach was fun, and he might even slap Stu Hart around if he’s out walking the street!  Because he takes whatever he wants, up to and including Bret Hart’s WWF title.  Bret wants to do this thing RIGHT NOW, Razor is all “oil me, chico” and he won’t come out, because no one tells him what to do.  And also everyone has to buy the Rumble to see it.  Spoiler:  They didn’t buy it.  Probably had more to do with the weak Rumble, but it likely didn’t help Ramon’s standing as a main event guy.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Gary Jackson

Gary Jackson was still kicking around the indy scene in the south as of this writing, surprisingly.  He’s got a good look at least.  Bigelow lets him have offense for a little bit and then cuts him off with a stungun, and drops a headbutt on him before beating him down.  Bossman pops in with an inset promo to inform us that Bigelow is big, but no one is bigger than the law.  Unless you donate millions to a SuperPAC in Florida.  Bigelow gets a double underhook backbreaker and finishes with a diving headbutt at 1:40.

The Nasty Boys want everyone to donate money to the Red Cross.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT!  WITH MEAN GENE!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE ROYAL RUMBLE PROGRAM!

Wait, so if there wasn’t any Royal Rumble program to bring us this report, then we wouldn’t have a Royal Rumble?  That’s some inception-type shit right there.  Anyway, we hear from Yokozuna and Mr. Perfect and Ric Flair and (god help us) Bob Backlund again.  And we’ve still got another year before he goes nuts and becomes awesome!  Mean Gene does the hard sell here as only he can, but he doesn’t have much to work with this year.

Kamala v. Dale Wolfe

Kamala now has Reverend Slick with him, although the crowd reaction is decidedly not a big babyface one, probably because the turn was so recent.  And also because the idea of Kamala as a babyface is completely stupid.  Wippleman does an inset promo to set up upcoming matches between Kamala and Kim Chee, which is a bathroom break special if I’ve ever heard one.  Kamala chops Wolfe down and gets the big splash, then uses the help of the crowd to figure out how to roll him over for the pin at 1:45.  It’s a good thing we didn’t have empty arena matches in 1993 because then Kamala would be SCREWED.

Bobby Heenan promises that shockwaves will be heard around the world when he unveils Narcissus.  Doesn’t he mean that shockwaves will be FELT?  Anyway, Bobby sums up Narcissus as having the skills and speed of all the greatest wrestlers in the world wrapped up in one.  Kind of like Shazam, I guess, where Lex says the magic word and gains the powers of all the great champions of the past.  Dusty Rhodes’ bleached blond hair!  Kerry Von Erich’s motorcycle driving skills!  Hulk Hogan’s steroid dealer!  Randy Savage’s ex-wife!

Next week:  It’s fallout from the Royal Rumble!  And join us tomorrow on the blog for ROYAL RUMBLE 93!