The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.16.93
Oh man, Bret Hart is PISSED at Razor Ramon for beating up Owen.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler
Razor Ramon v. Buck Zumhofe
Razor quickly chokeslams Buck and hits the backdrop suplex off the middle rope, and then finishes him off with the Razor’s Edge at 1:04. Hopefully someone slips Buck the razor’s edge in prison one of these days.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE ROYAL RUMBLE PROGRAM!
So the Rumble program apparently offers “everything you wanted to know about the Royal Rumble but were afraid to ask”. Sounds provocative! Anyway, we take you back to last week, as Reverend Slick assures us that Kamala is indeed a man. Perhaps he looked under the loincloth for confirmation.
The Nasty Boys v. Mickey Jay & Rock Werner
Huh, it’s future WCW and WWF referee Mickey Jay, working as a jobber! And he’s wearing ugly striped tights to boot. And speaking of wrestlers-turned-referees and vice-versa, Danny Davis is the referee here! The Nasties double-team Mickey and Sags gets the pumphandle slam to set up the Pitstop, while Doink the Clown lurks at ringside nursing his injured arm. Over to Werner and the Nasties get the corner clothesline on him, which sets up the Shitty Elbow to finish at 3:00.
Shawn Michaels joins us for the special interview, and he’s got nothing to say. He’s facing Marty Jannetty at the Rumble and he’s sure that Sherri is in his corner.
Crush v. WT Jones
Vince notes that no one wants to see Doink fooling around with the kids at ringside. At least it’s not Buck Zumhofe doing it. Crush takes Jones down while Doink comes down, arm still in a sling. We get an inset promo as we learn that Crush has been training HARDER AND STRONGER than ever, BRAH! Hopefully using ICOPRO. Press slam and head crusher finish at 2:02. Doink offers a flower as a peace offering, because he’s got a bad arm and can’t fight, but then takes off his fake arm and beats Crush into pineapple chunks, brah, leaving him unconscious in the aisle until EMTs rescue him. Vince repeats “He kept hitting him and hitting him until he stopped moving!” like we just witnessed a brutal prison riot beating, sort of like the one I imagine Buck Zumhofe suffering on a regular basis. Poor Vince seems more traumatized than Crush was.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
We get promos from Typhoon, Papa Shango and Mr. Perfect and they’re all gonna win the Rumble. Also, Bam Bam Bigelow has a “heart as big as a lion’s head”, possibly due to the drugs he was taking at the time. That’s usually a bad sign if your heart has enlarged to the size of a jungle animal.
Meanwhile, Crush is still getting put on the backboard by the EMTs.
Yokozuna v. Carl Almont
Vince notes that he doesn’t want to make light of Crush’s injuries and potential career ending trauma, but Yokozuna is also on track to end some careers at the Royal Rumble. TOO SOON, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD! Randy Savage is worried that Crush might not even make it to the Rumble. But Crush has been training harder and stronger than ever! He said so, BRAH! Yoko finishes the geek with the bonzai splash at 1:30.
Meanwhile, Crush is immobilized like Ortiz duct-taped into a wheelchair.
ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!
Let’s face it, we’re all still in a state of shock over Crush, but THE SHOW MUST GO ON. Specifically, the Royal Rumble, which happens next weekend. Gene runs down the competitors, but we’ve got BREAKING NEWS, so we go back to the arena.
Back at the arena, Crush gets loaded into the ambulance. How is this breaking news? Also, I’m no doctor, but shouldn’t someone have checked to see if he was responsive before strapping him down and hauling him off? I mean, they didn’t even check his insurance status! What if he wakes up and gets stuck with a $50,000 hospital bill?
Anyway, back to the Rumble update, as we learn that Koko B. Ware and Owen Hart will also be in the match. Not really feeling this show, although I’ll probably redo it next week because I haven’t watched it since the 90s.
Tatanka v. Tom Bennett
Tatanka gets a slam and wardances into the chops on Bennett before going up with a flying chop and Papoose to Go at 1:12.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Apparently the WWF is donating a minimum $100,000 to Somalia, including all the proceeds of the January 29 MSG show. I feel like Vince must have had fine print in there somewhere.
NEXT WEEK: We don’t know. Vince is too worried about Crush. Some things are just not funny, like an evil clown beating a Hawaiian powerlifter with a fake mannequin arm. We’ve seen it all too many times in wrestling, and it’s ended too many careers.