ECW on Syfy 12/15/2009 #184

We’re in Laredo, Texas and Alleged GM Tiffany has invited former champ Kane to show up, as if WWE would consider bringing an old star to the C-Brand to boost ratings in 2020.

Tiffany starts the show to tell us how proud she is of Shelton Benjamin and Christian’s ladder match at TLC. The noise-machine  crowd politely applauds as Shelton requests a rematch but Regal arrives to save the segment by stating this is a load of POPPYCOCK and wants to know why Tiffany’s voice “sounds like a goose blowing a kazoo.” He also demands to know she’s being “bloody mental” and inviting Kane back to ECW so Tiffany explains it’s all part of her new idea, ECW Homecoming: Old ECW stars will face new ones until something something winner gets a title shot at the Rumble.

So tonight we get Kane vs. Zack Ryder.

Oh and Kozlov vs. Zeke.

The Hurricane vs. The Ripper

Paul Burchill lost a Loser Leaves ECW match a few weeks ago but he returned with a mask and new name. His logic of “well The Ripper’s not lost a Loser Leaves ECW match” was good enough to get this match and a contract if he wins. Bryon asks Josh if he lost his job tomorrow if he could come back tomorrow in a mask and he dead-pans “yes.” Burchill dumps Hurricane back-first on the guard-rail and proceeds to work him over and I’m glad for the good commentary this week as the crowd doesn’t give a shit about any of this. Hurricane makes a comeback with a Hurricanerana off the top but misses the Shining Wizard. Was that move still a thing in 2009? Helms nails a Tornado DDT, removes The Ripper’s mask and lands the Wizard to end the match and Paul’s career.

Winner: The Hurricane (Burchill’s goofiness was promising but the silent crowd removed the fun and The Ripper losing removed the point.)

Raw Rebound: Guest GM Dennis Miller presents The Slammy Awards because this period was one unending mad lib. Cena is mad at losing the title to Sheamus so he takes on Orton to remind us it could always be worse.

Backstage a furloughed Burchill & Sister walk miserably down the hallway until they are interviewed by roving reporter Gregory Helms who asks “how dat work out for ya?” Burchill yells and leaves. I think the crowd was supposed to laugh at that but Burchill was more daft than evil. Hopefully we get Ripper Returns next week.

The Abraham Washington Show

Well if the crowd didn’t laugh at Gregory then they’re going to fucking love this. Abraham is upset he didn’t any Slammy Awards and Tony Atlas agrees…he should have won Diva Of The Year.

The crowd is so quiet you can hear the exact moment someone presses play on the fake crowd machine. Anyway the guest is Maria and we get a clip of Batista doing the Kanye West thing from the MTV Music Awards which was only three months old at that point which is pretty fresh by WWE standards.

Abraham laughs at how embarrassing that was for her. Maria replies it’s almost as embarrassing as this show. Tony: “She’s right, it stinks!”

Maria asks if Abe wants to hold a Slammy and when he tells her he does, she tells him to win one next year. Tony: “I doubt it!”

As always these segments continue to be surreally awful and I dare you to watch them and tell me what’s supposed to be bad. Tony’s laugh was robbed of Breakout Star Of The Year though.

Kozlov vs. Ezekiel Jackson

The Roundtable finally explodes! Or maybe not, I’m unsure. Zeke does what he does best (scoop slams, look good on a jpeg) until Kozlov tries some offence but is quickly cut off by…Regal who grabs his foot allowing Zeke to give him The Book of Ezekiel for the quick win.

Winner: Ezekiel Jackson (Just a cut-scene).

Regal then celebrates with Zeke, causing Kozlov to go after Regal but the two happy chaps launch him into the announce table to clarify that Willie’s gone in a different direction (as Willies sometimes do). Like the question of a tree making a noise if there’s no-one around to hear it, is it turning back heel if no-one’s had a chance to cheer for you?

Backstage, Trent and his partner Answer To A Trivia Question are playing WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 and they use it to beat D-X as themselves (as CAWs, in case you were thinking they were in the game) and figure if they can beat these legends then their opponents will be a pushover. Which leads to…

Trent Baretta & Caylen Croft vs. Julio Cruz & Jorge Arias

A.K.A. the future Super Nova and the future Hunico/Second Sin Cara. OH SHIT. The Dude Busters know they’re fucked if Shoot Cara gets in so they prevent Cruz from tagging out and put him away with a Powerbomb/Neckbreaker combo before running away and changing their address just in case.

Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu talk about Yoshi’s big win on Raw as EVERYTHING’S FINE IN ECW, THE GUYS ARE JUST DIPPING THEIR TOES ELSEWHERE DON’T WORRY.

Kane vs. Zack Ryder

Ryder looks concerned. Kane slams him around for a bit until Ryder dodges an elbow drop and gets a chinlock. Crowd eagerly gets behind something for the first time tonight because they want this show to end ASAP. Ryder escapes the chokeslam by hooking his leg on the ropes and while he’s talking to the ref, Ryder’s able to take him down and work over his leg. The crowd’s so silent you can hear every instruction Kane gives Zack. And they’re whispering. Kane kicks out of the Rough Ryder so goes for it again because he doesn’t have anything else but Kane has enough and choke slams him to end the show for the biggest pop of the night.

Winner: Kane (Kane by numbers.)

Overall: Miserable show in front of a crowd so quiet you’d think it aired in 2020. Tony Atlas dot gif was the highlight so let’s move on and never speak of it again.

I’ve been Maffew, see you for nine more episodes!