The SmarK Rant for NWA-TNA PPV #5 – 07.17.02

The SmarK Rant for NWA-TNA PPV 05 – 07.17.02

Live from Nashville, TN

Your hosts are Don West, Mike Tenay & Ed Ferrara

We start with a recap of the first four weeks of Jeff Jarrett, as he is smarter than HHH and a bigger badass than Steve Austin.

Earlier this week, Goldy Locks tries to catch up to Ken Shamrock in a park, but he quips “BACK OFF BITCH” because I guess he’s a big fan of Guns N Roses, and promises to just start “kicking the shit” out of everyone in the promotion.  “That was certainly a different side of the World’s Most Dangerous Man” notes Mike Tenay.  Yeah, who would expect a professional fighter nicknamed THE WORLD’S MOST DANGEROUS MAN to have a short temper?

Meanwhile, Scott Hall and Jeff Jarrett brawl like it’s 1995 in the backstage hallway, until TNA security finally gets them separated.  This results in Bill Behrens immediately kicking Jarrett out of the show-opening ladder match for the #1 contender spot.  Mike Tenay is SHOCKED that this match which wasn’t advertised in advance is now about to change on the fly.  Yeah.  So guess who’s officially running the show now?

Father James Mitchell announces that since Jeff Jarrett is out of the show, Malice is ready to “wash his hands in the crimson life essence” of another victim.  So the lights go out because Russo, and Sabu appears in the ring as a substitute.  “Sabu was scheduled to compete later tonight, but not in this match!” yells Tenay.  So it’s not QUITE a surprise, then.

Ladder match:  Malice v. Sabu

Sabu attacks to start and hits the leg lariat in the corner, but Malice chokes him down and gets a chair from the ringside.  Sabu steals it and tosses it at his head a few times, but Malice catches him on a dive and puts him down with a backbreaker.  He runs Sabu into the chair in the corner, with Sabu taking a gentle bump into it, and Devon Storm “chokes” him out on the ropes while the director catches him going over the spots with Sabu.  Can you NOT focus on the guys calling spots?  Malice goes to grab the ladder, since this is a ladder match because reasons, but Sabu dropkicks it into him and makes a comeback on the floor.  Storm calls MORE spots for Sabu, who retrieves a table, but Malice drops him on a ladder bridge and busts his nose open.  Back in, Malice avalanches him into the ladder and follows with an impressive powerslam while carrying the ladder.  Sabu comes back with a legdrop onto the ladder and climbs for the contract, but Malice brings him down with a powerbomb.  And then suplexes him onto the ladder.  Malice climbs for the contract but Sabu dropkicks the ladder over.  He hits Malice with the leg lariat into the ladder in the corner and then goes up and rides the ladder down onto him, followed by an Arabian facebuster.  Sabu climbs and Malice pulls him down again, then hits him with a spinebuster and makes another climb.  Sabu pushes the ladder over and Malice goes flying off and through the table at ringside, which allows Sabu to climb and grab the contract at 13:18.  Definitely Malice’s best match so far, thanks to Sabu killing himself over and over.  ***

Meanwhile, Stone Cold JJ gets thrown out of the building.

AJ Styles joins us and we’re OFF THE FORMAT SHEET!  He calls out Jerry Lynn, and Jerry immediately storms out and bitches that AJ has only been wrestling for 4 years and he’s been doing it for 14.  And AJ never had to sleep in his truck and live on peanut butter sandwiches for a week!  Maybe if you’ve been in the business for 14 years and you’re still doing that, you’re not cut out for the business.  Just saying.  Anyway, Lynn is sick of snot-nosed punks like AJ stealing all his glory, which results in AJ waiting until Lynn’s back is turned and hitting him with an enzuigiri and Styles Clash.  SHADES OF GREY!  WACKY TAG TEAM PARTNERS WHO HATE EACH OTHER!  THEY’RE SHOOTING!

Meanwhile, Goldy Locks interviews Jasmine St. Clair about last week’s attempted striptease, but Francine attacks and they fight into the showers.

K-Krush joins us and he’s also shooting, I’m assuming.  He walks like a star, talks like a star, and even SMELLS like a star.  So why did they put him in the ring with a damn race car driver?  Why did WWE let him go?  Because he’s been treated like a second-class citizen his whole life and they’re AFRAID of him.  So now he’s gonna do what he wants, because he’s THE TRUTH and he’ll no longer be denied.  He keeps sounding like a star and getting over big here, spitting HOT FIRE on the mic.

K-Krush v. Norman Smiley

Smiley does some dancing and grabs a headlock to set up the spinning slam, but it’s not yet time for the Big Wiggle.  So Krush tries a bulldog and this time Norman does the Wiggle, but Krush puts him down with a sidekick for two.  Smiley comes back with a backdrop suplex and headbutts him.  Krush gets a front suplex and the pin at 3:23.  * This was all wrong, as Krush got over with a hot promo and should have OBLITERATED Smiley.  Instead he sold for the whole match and won with something out of nowhere that meant nothing.  Krush chokes him out with his belt after the match, but Norman’s (supposed) real life wife runs out and pleads for mercy.  IT’S A SHOOT!  THEY’RE SHOOTING!

Meanwhile, Goldy Locks goes to interview Puppet the Midget, but he’s busy jacking off in a garbage can.  He offers to introduce her to his cobra later.  Nice.  And then with that done, she wanders over to where the Dupps are being weird and engaging in some incest.  “Goldy, you shore got some purdy lips.  But I wasn’t talking about THOSE lips”.  I’m rapidly forgetting how good last week’s show was.

Sonny Siaki & Jorge Estrada v. Christopher Daniels & Elix Skipper

Everyone brawls to start and Skipper hits Estrada with a dive, but Siaki hits him with a pop up samoan drop for two.  Estrada comes in with a moonsault for two.  Estrada with a butterfly suplex for two while Siaki leaves the match to do commentary, complaining that Jorge actually thinks he’s Elvis.  So he leaves the desk and goes back in for a backbreaker on Skipper that gets two.  And then tags out and returns to the desk while Estrada moonsaults Skipper for two.  Estrada with a crucifix bomb for two while Siaki continues burying his own team, complaining that he’s been carrying the team for weeks.  Daniels gets a “hot” tag even though no one in the crowd cares about this match and he runs wild with a Blue Thunder Bomb on Estrada for two.  Siaki trips him up and Estrada gets a legdrop for two, and Siaki comes in and chokes Daniels out in the corner.  Daniels runs Estrada into the corner and it’s back to Skipper for a double underhook suplex that gets two on Siaki.  Estrada comes in with a senton on Skipper, but Daniels gets the BME for two.  Elix with a missile dropkick on Siaki as they missed by a peak by a LOT and now it’s just movez, movez, movez with no story.  It’s a complete trainwreck and no one’s getting over.  Skipper tries the Play of the Day, but Estrada suplexes out.  Skipper gets it on a second try, but the ref is busy for 10 minutes outside on the apron, and Siaki hits his own neckbreaker for the pin at 9:45.  And then the Dupps run in and attack the Elvises with boards, while Siaki abandons his partner.  This whole thing was a complete mess and OF COURSE the Elvises are already breaking up after 4 shows.  ½*

Puppet v. Meatball

Meatball is “the world’s largest midget”, which means he’s a fat guy who literally eats Cheetos on the way to the ring.  Puppet brings a garbage can into the ring and runs Meatball into it for two, but they fight to the floor, where Meatball slams him on the ramp and drops an elbow on him.  Oh, and there’s a cart full of food, so Meatball smashes some food items on Puppet’s head.  HE’S FAT, YOU SEE?  Puppet drops a bag of flour on the back of his head in a stupid spot that meant nothing and could have given him a concussion.  Back to ringside for more shitty brawling, and a DDT off the stairs gets two.  They slowly head back into the ring and Puppet goes up with a guillotine legdrop off the middle rope, onto a chair, and then he goes up and finishes with a pump splash at 6:17.  Usual hardcore crap, but done a billion times worse.  And fun-sized!

Francine v. Jasmine St. Clair

So despite falling into the showers 30 minutes ago, Jasmine still has a wet t-shirt because apparently the laws of thermodynamics don’t apply in Russo’s world.  So they have a catfight and Jasmine rips off Francine’s shirt, but Francine comes back and whips her with a belt until Blue Meanie runs in and saves by DDTing Francine.  Yeah, wouldn’t wanna blow off his hot feud with a clean finish already.  Meanie looked so weird as a skinny guy during this period.  Also, Blue Meanie is a really cool guy, but the world did not need him in this promotion.

X Division Title:  AJ Styles v. Low Ki

They trade chops and Ki takes him down in a facelock, at which point a fight breaks out in the crowd and all the attention shifts there.  Ki hits AJ with chops and AJ fights back, but Ki boots him to the apron.  Mike Tenay notes that the winner of this match defends the title for this hot new indy promotion called “Ring of Honor” in July.  AJ puts Low Ki on the floor with him and then tries a dive, but Low Ki hits him with a kick from the floor to block it.  They slug it out on the apron and Ki tries a guillotine in the ropes, and that gets two.  He makes another attempt at the guillotine, but AJ makes the ropes and does his springboard into the inverted DDT.  I swear it took him 10 years to actually get the timing right on that damn move.  In this case he landed on the wrong side of Low Ki and had to switch to the other arm.  Low Ki charges and Styles powerslams him for two.  AJ with a brainbuster for two.  They fight to the top and AJ tries the Spiral Tap and misses, and Ki gets two.  He follows with the Ki Krusher, but AJ reverses it into a DDT.  Ki puts him down with a kick in the corner and goes up for a corkscrew senton, but that misses and AJ hits the Styles Clash to finish at 10:34.  They lost the crowd early and never got them back, and both guys looked rattled by it.  **  And then Jerry Lynn runs out and attacks him afterwards, as apparently every match tonight needs interference and HEAT.  And then Jerry brings out the ladder from earlier and uses that to beat on AJ some more.

Oh and next week they team up again and defend the tag titles.

Brian Lawler v. Scott Hall

Brian continues his war with his father, doing a promo about how Jerry was married to three different women younger than Brian.  Also, he left a ticket for Jerry to attend the show, and THAT’S A SHOOT.  Because he was too busy at the local high school with a fistful of candy.  I mentioned this before, but all they’re doing is getting Jerry Lawler over and building up a match that there’s no way to deliver.  And thankfully Scott Hall does his entrance before we can get any more “Jerry Lawler facts”.  So Brian switches to Scott Hall Facts while Hall stands there behind him waiting to attack before finally laying him out.  They fight on the floor and Hall runs him into the railing, but Brian runs away and steals a purse from ringside to gain control.  Back in, Brian slugs away in the corner and a suplex gets two.  Brian adds some choking on the ropes and he stops to cut a promo on the crowd as they do every lazy WWF house show cliché at quarter speed.  They were both probably hungover anyway.  Hall comes back with the middle rope back suplex, but Brian escapes the Edge, at which point K-Krush runs in and gets chased off.  And then a second Razor’s Edge finishes at 8:13.  And then it’s more HEAT as Lawler and Krush team up on Hall and beat him down, then choke him out with Krush’s belt like we already saw with Norman Smiley earlier.  And the announcers actually remind us that we already saw that earlier in the show!  So Hall goes out on a stretcher, but Jeff Jarrett dresses as a paramedic and sneaks back into the building to lay out everyone with a chair on the DOUBLE J PATH OF RAGE.  Say what you will about Russo, but he LOVED Jeff Jarrett.  ½*

The Russo Era has begun!  As if you couldn’t tell already.