The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.09.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.09.93

We actually get a cold open with clips from Wrestling Challenge, with Reverend Slick telling Kamala YOU ARE A MAN.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler

Kamala v. Todd Becker

Kamala beats Becker down and chokes him out, but of course he’s too dumb to pin him properly, and NOW Vince has issues with the heel managers yelling at him about it after a decade of not caring.  Vince is so woke.  Big splash gets the pin at 1:38.  And then Harvey and Kim Chee randomly choose this match to really give Kamala the gears, which brings out Slick to make the save and fire them on Kamala’s behalf.  So Kim Chee punches out a REVEREND, and this is too far even for the cannibal Kamala, so he tosses Kim Chee out of the ring and chases Harvey away to turn babyface.  Too bad it was kind of wasted on Kamala because Slick was awesome and he could have been used on someone meaningful at this point.  It just got kind of embarrassing from here.

UPDATE!  WITH MEAN GENE!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY WWF MAGAZINE!

We take you back to that hot new show, WWF Mania, as Raymond Rougeau is interviewing Owen Hart about his upcoming year and hard-hitting questions like “I heard your father would take your down to the Dungeon and teach you how to wrestle”, but then Razor Ramon suddenly runs into the interview and lays him out, then drops a trash can on his head!  “Hey Rocket, did your daddy teach you that one, mang?”  Oh that’s some quality trash talk right there!

So we get promos from Razor and Bret, and Bret has “pounded on some bully for picking on his little brother” before and this will be no different.

The Steiner Brothers v. Butch Banks & Rock Werner

Despite the incredibly manly jobber names, they’re just a couple of pasty scrawny geeks.  What a waste.  Vince wonders “just who will pound whom” at the Rumble, as do we all.  Unfortunately the match didn’t end up that interesting.  So this is just nuts as the Steiners just randomly debut here out of nowhere with no buildup.  Scott beats on Werner and drops him into the Tree of Woe off a suplex and then follows with a samoan drop of the middle rope.  Over to Banks and Rick just kills him with a clothesline and drops an elbow on him, then dead-lifts him to the top for a suplex.  Back to Scott for a tilt-a-whirl slam and he finishes with the Frankensteiner at 3:14.  They needed better jobbers to throw around and this was a pretty underwhelming debut, aside from the amazing Frankensteiner appearing on WWF TV for the first time.

Event Center!  With Sean Mooney!

Apparently the WWF is going to be donating money to Somalia, which gives us the batshit crazy scene of a press conference at MSG with Undertaker and Papa Shango hanging out together in street clothes out of character!

And then Mooney just transitions right to “Oh, and you should also call your local cable company and order the Royal Rumble after you donate to Somalia”.  So close to achieving class, WWF.  So close.  Anyway, speaking of Somalia, I wonder why Vince never came up with a Somalian pirate character after that whole deal became a thing?  I guess there’s still time.

Anyway, Randy Savage does a promo about the Royal Rumble and how he’s hearing voices, not loud enough to actually hear, and it’s starting to make him feel paranoid.  He thinks.  But that might just be the paranoia talking.

Meanwhile, Bobby Heenan is still hyping up NARCISSUS, who apparently makes Mr. Perfect look like horse manure.

Lance Cassidy v. George Petrovsky

Oh my god still with this guy?  I feel like Petrovsky was someone else.  The Russian Brute maybe?  A quick check reveals that yes, he was indeed in that loser gimmick in the dying days of the AWA.  Cassidy gets a dropkick and trades armbars with Petrovsky while the announcers are so enthralled that they instead hold a conversation about the clown doing an interview later. The clown who doesn’t even have a name yet is more over than Lance Cassidy before he even works a match.  Cassidy finishes with a bulldog at 2:5…yeah I’m so bored with him I can’t even finish typing the match time without falling asleep.

Raymond Rougeau interviews the mysterious clown, who has his arm in a sling.  And we finally get the name, DOINK THE CLOWN.  So we run down a list of Doink’s hilarious pranks, but Doink is the only one laughing!  So Doink clarifies that he loves seeing all the little kids with their little smiles, and then he loves taking those smiles away.  Raymond is even more offended by this, so Doink squirts him with his flower and we never get a payoff for the broken arm.

The Undertaker v. Scott Zappa

DID YOU KNOW that Undertaker will be facing Damian Demento in the premiere episode of this new show called MONDAY NIGHT RAW coming up right away?  Taker slugs Zappa down and hits a back suplex, then follows with the flying clothesline and tombstone at 2:45.  He really gave that one some mustard, too.  So with Nailz now gone, the announcers are listing off all the possibilities of spooky guys for him to face, settling on Papa Shango as the main target eventually.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT!  WITH MEAN GENE!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!

HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS!  Shawn Michaels is now defending the IC title against Marty Jannetty, with Sherri involved somehow.  Shawn has quite the belt variant with him this week, with a powder blue strap that I’ve never seen used before.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Red Tyler

Bigelow beats on Tyler in the corner and follows with an avalanche, then follows with a clothesline and goes to a chinlock while we get an inset promo from Bossman.  Wait, Bigelow was a bounty hunter, shouldn’t Bossman be supporting him since they’re both on the side of law and order?  Bam Bam finishes with a suplex into the diving headbutt at 2:15.  Beat him like a red-headed stepchild there.  Granted I don’t know if Tyler was a stepchild but he’s certainly red-headed and got beaten.

Next week:  Yokozuna, Nasty Boys, Shawn Michaels, Crush and Razor Ramon!