Mike Reviews: ECW Hardcore TV #368 – 13/05/2000

Hello You!

This week it’s the go-home show for Hardcore Heaven 2000. I should have that show up tomorrow all being well so keep an eye open for it.

Let’s watch some chuffing wrestling!

This week’s matches were taped from Poughkeepsie, New York

Calling the action is Joey Styles

We open up with a backstage promo from Justin Credible and Francine. Credible brings up all the times he’s tried to ruin Tommy Dreamer’s life, as Francine laughs along. Credible then targets Lance Storm, saying that he’s a mark that believes his own hype. Francine says that at Hardcore Heaven she’s going to show Dawn Marie why they call her the Queen of Extreme. Hardcore Heaven now appears to be a Three Way Dance of Credible Vs Storm Vs Dreamer.

We then get a Justin Credible music video. Well, they’re certainly trying to push him hard here; you have to give them that.

Joel Gertner gets to do a dirty poem before the opening match, complaining about how bad TNN is. Paul Heyman going public on how much he hated The Network may have been cathartic for him, but it probably didn’t help the relationship in real life.

Opening Match
Little Guido w/ Big Sal Vs Johnny Swinger

ECW were just referring to him as “Swinger” here, which I think was due to WCW owning the trademark to the “Johnny” part of his name. It would seem he got that back once WCW died. Swinger is actually in the big Cruiserweight Battle Royal at Slamboree 1998, and I think Jericho’s big gag whilst doing ring introductions is that he’s never heard of him or something.

We get some amateur styled grappling to start, with Guido showing off his Billy Robinson training. Swinger is ostensibly wrestling this one as a babyface, but that alignment wouldn’t last long as his ECW stint wore on. Guido keeps bailing every time Swinger gets a flurry, but eventually gets in a cheap shot to the gut and sends Swinger outside for a dive.

Swinger dodges that, but Big Sal is waiting and crushes him against the railings before rolling him in for a two count. Swinger replies with a Rude Awakening back inside, but Guido is able to kick out at two. Swinger heads up for what looks to be a clothesline, but Guido catches him in an arm bar on the way down in a slick looking spot.

Swinger gets to the ropes to break that, so Guido calls Sal in and drops an elbow from atop his shoulders. Sal follows up with a diving head butt from the second rope, but somehow Swinger kicks out. If Guido is winning this match then that should have been the finish. Swinger replies with a Skull Crushing Finale for two, but Guido catches him with the Tomikaze for the win.

WINNER: LITTLE GUIDO
RATING: *1/2

Match peaked with Sal jumping off the second rope and should have ended then. Everything after that point was overkill. The match itself wasn’t awful or anything.

COMMERICAL

Mikey Whipwreck and Sinister Minister are hanging out backstage. Oh yeah, this is always one of the highlights of my week! Mikey (Sounding quite a bit like Krillen from Dragonball Z: Abridged) is really excited about Hardcore Heaven. Both men then cackle in the way that only they can.

The New Dangerous Alliance of Lou E. Dangerously, CW Anderson, Bill Wiles and Elektra are in the ring. The crowd wants Elektra to get nekkid, but she refuses of course for cheap heel heat. Don’t worry though, Joey pushes that if you go to the ECW website then you can see Elektra topless. The fact trying to go there would just redirect you to the WWE’s website these days is actually kind of funny.

COMMERCIAL

Match Two
The New Dangerous Alliance w/ Lou E. Dangerously and Elektra Vs Chris Chetti and Nova

The New DA stooge and bump around for the babyfaces in the early going, which is something they are good at. The more I watch them the more appreciation I gain for them as a solid undercard heel tag team. Eventually the heels cheat to cut Nova off and start getting some heat on him. The heat is well executed and Nova does a good job selling it all.

Nova eventually manages to catch Wiles with a Complete Shot though, which leads to him making the tag to Chetti, who runs wild on the heels with a nice hot tag segment. Things break down with all four men fighting in the ring, which leads to The New DA getting a cool double team move of Wiles catapulting Nova into a CW super kick.

Nova comes off the top rope with a Swanton Bomb to Wiles, but Lou E pulls out the ref before the winning pin can be counted. Nova and Chetti decide to bring a table into the ring so that they can put Lou E through it, but his men rescue him. The babyfaces fight them off however and end up putting Wiles through the table with a double splash/leg drop combo from the top for the win.

WINNERS: NOVA AND CHRIS CHETTI
RATING: ***

That was a whole heap of fun, as they worked the formula well and then decided to ECW things up a bit at the end in a way that made sense and added to the overall excitement of the bout. Good stuff and well worth a watch!

The New DA attack Nova and Chetti following the match, which leads to New Jack coming down to the ring with his usual assortment of weapons for the rescue. Oh yeah, I remember they did a Nova and New Jack alliance one week and then never returned to it again. Elektra is stupid enough to go after New Jack, so he lays a smooch on her before stripping her down to her bikini. Da Baldies of Spanish Angel and Tony DeVito run down to rescue her though and lay a whupping on New Jack. Oh man, will this feud EVER end?!?!

Da Baldies actually get the closest they’ve got in a long time to getting some actually heat on New Jack by bloodying him and leaving him lying, but Danny Doring and Roadkill join us before they can finish him off for good, and thus we have an impromptu match.

Main Event
Da Baldies Vs Danny Doring and Roadkill

Doring and Roadkill run wild on the Da Baldies to start, getting a good pop in the process as we take a break.

COMMERCIAL

Back from the ads, the heels have taken control and are working Doring over inside the ring. I HATE when Hardcore TV just cuts out a huge chunk of the match and never references how we got to where we are. WWE at least will update you on what happened during the break.

Da Baldies bring a table into the ring, which makes this feel a bit too much like the previous match, but Angel ends up getting leg dropped through it and that’s enough for the three count.

WINNERS: DANNY DORING AND ROADKILL
RATING: N/A

Too short to rate, but it was nice to see Doring and Roadkill get a win.

Vic Grimes runs down to attack Doring and Roadkill following the match and this leads to Da Baldies doing a three on two beat down. Balls Mahoney makes the save with his chair though, as this has now become a Paul Heyman special.

COMMERCIAL

Joey Styles is in front of the ECW Banner, where he advises us to all visit the website again before sending us down to the ring to show us Balls Mahoney celebrating.

The Sandman is backstage with a beer and has a fag on the go. He promises pain for Rhino.

COMMERCIAL

Kid Kash is trying to cut a backstage promo, but Swinger interrupts him. Kash wants a fight following that, but Swinger decides to walk away.

Joey reminds us all about Hardcore Heaven tomorrow and runs down the card

We currently have;

Jerry Lynn Vs Rob Van Dam

ECW Title
Champ: Justin Credible Vs Lance Storm Vs Tommy Dreamer

ECW TV Title
Champ: Rhino Vs The Sandman

Is that really all we have just one day before the show? I mean, two of those matches have potential to be good at least, but what about the rest of the roster?

Rhino cuts an intense promo about how he’s going to give Sandman’s mum a GORE through a table.

In Conclusion

This was fine as an inoffensive and fun 45 minutes of wrestling, but it was an absolutely atrocious go-home show for a pay per view. There was basically no hard sell whatsoever and we have just a paltry three matches announced for the pay per view.

Hardcore Heaven could still be a fun show, but it looks like it’s going to be a McMystery Meal.