The SmarK Rant for WWE Money in the Bank 2020 – 05.10.20
Live and/or taped from the Performance Center and/or Titan Towers.
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves
Smackdown tag team titles: The New Day v. The Lucha House Party v. Miz & Morrison v. The Forgotten Sons
Kofi and Metalik trade wristlocks to start and Metalik gets a flying headscissors, but Blake tags himself in and beats on Metalik. The Sons double-team him, but Metalik fights them off. Everyone piles up on the floor and Metalik and Morrison do a Spanish Fly onto them. Without a crowd that kind of stuff just feels so empty. Back in, Metalik gets two on Morrison, but the Sons double-team him again and Cutler elbows him down for two. Cutler hiptosses Blake onto Metalik for two and Blake dropkicks him for two. The Sons double-team Metalik some more, but he fights back with a tornado DDT and brings in Dorado. He hits a quebrada on Morrison for two and drops the dime for two. Kofi tags himself in and walks into a springboard kick from Morrison, but he gets a sloppy double stomp on them for two. Boom Drop on Miz, but Miz blocks the Trouble in Paradise. Cutler comes in and gets double-teamed by the New Day with a Doomsday Device for two. They set up to finish Cutler, but Morrison saves, and hits E with the Starship Pain for two. Dorado hits Morrison with a stunner and Metalik gets a top rope rana, but Big E is still legal, so the Luchas double-team him and Metalik gets a flying elbow for two. Everyone gets dumped, but Cutler sends Kofi into the post and Ryker pulls Big E out of the ring, resulting in the ref making a big show of ejecting him from the match. And then more dives and everyone is out on the floor. They’re just doing the same mechanics of the match for the crowd, even though there’s no crowd. It just doesn’t work. Back in the ring, Big Ending on Metalik finishes at 12:03. Just felt like any other meandering multi-man match in an empty arena. But with 33% more Forgotten Sons. **3/4
Meanwhile, Lacey Evans does her makeup and promises to win the briefcase.
Meanwhile, Drew McIntyre addresses how everyone considers him an underdog against Seth Rollins tonight. Who exactly considers him an underdog?
MVP v. R-Truth
Wasn’t MVP retired? Truth does his whole spiel and then they get into a discussion of what constitutes ballin’. And then Lashley comes out for some reason and sends MVP back. R-Truth is confused why MVP gets the night off and not him.
R-Truth v. Bobby Lashley
So admittedly I haven’t been watching, but is Lana not a thing anymore? Lashley beats on Truth in the corner and hiptosses him, then follows with a spinebuster. Spear finishes at 1:40. OK? And the point of any of this?
Meanwhile, King Corbin does his promo and works in their stupid “the risk is worth the reward” catchphrase.
Smackdown Women’s title: Bayley v. Tamina
Even without a crowd, they still insist on doing the ring announcing to cut off “One fall!” chants. Bayley slugs away and tries a sleeper, but Tamina runs her into the corner and follows with a suplex for two. Bayley hides in the corner, but Tamina gets a slam and Bayley bails and takes out Tamina’s knee from the floor. She goes to work on the knee and drops an elbow for one. Tamina comes back with an avalanche in the corner and a superkick, but Bayley catches the leg and takes her down with a kneebar. Tamina makes the ropes to escape and falls on top of Bayley to block a samoan drop. So Bayley exits the ring again and stops for a drink of water and throws some at Tamina. This makes Tamina disproportionately angry and she throws Bayley around on the floor and into the announce table. I guess losing your temper and beating up women runs in the family. Back in, Tamina hits a superkick and samoan drop, but Sasha runs in and Tamina chases her, allowing Bayley to reverse a second samoan drop into a crucifix for the pin at 10:30 to retain. This was basically Bayley trying to wrestle herself for 10 minutes and not quite succeeding. ½*
Universal title: Braun Strowman v. Bray Wyatt
So it’s Bray and not the Fiend tonight, which I guess they’re saving for the next dead PPV. Braun overpowers Bray to start and gets the corner splash to put Bray on the floor, but he charges and gets sent into the table. So we get a cameo from the pig in the “audience”, allowing Bray to come back with a lariat for two. Back to the floor and Bray sends him into the stairs, and then back in for a tornado DDT and Sister Abigail for two. Another one is reversed to a chokeslam and Braun throws him out for the shoulderblock, which is apparently called “The Strowman Express” now because everything has to be branded. Bray boots him on the way into the ring and Braun emerges from the floor with the sheep mask on. So Bray thinks this means that they’re buds again, and they stop for a triumphant hug while the puppets celebrate. But then Braun STOMPS THE MASK for the big heat spot and powerslams him for the pin at 10:40. And then Bray has visions of the Fiend after the loss, so I guess it’s a rematch next month. Lucky us. Wasn’t terrible but like everything else lately, they took too long to get to the point. **
Meanwhile, the guy who REALLY loved Watchdogs lets us know that the truth will be heard.
This Tuesday on FS1: Wrestlemania III! That’s a cool idea and I might watch it again if it’s on Sportsnet up here. I imagine it will be, unless there’s a pressing repeat of World Series of Poker they need to replay or something.
WWE title: Drew McIntyre v. Seth Rollins
Can we be absolutely certain that the empty arena isn’t a result of Seth Rollins getting pushed to the main event again? Like, this “Monday Night Messiah” thing was fine as a tag team champion and doing the midcard stable, but this is not a main event character. Also, this is admittedly a minor point, but watching two similar-sized guys with the same long black hair and beards, in black gear, is not a particularly interesting matchup from a visual standpoint. They trade headlocks to start and Drew clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, Drew whips him around and deadlifts him into a suplex for two. Seth dropkicks the knee and runs Drew into the post to take over, then follows with the dive. Back in, Seth with the sling blade for two and he goes to an STF and then a crossface, but Drew makes the ropes. They head to the floor and Rollins hits him with a diving knee from the apron and then another one from the railing. A third knee from the announce table this time and Seth puts the badmouth on him, but tries a dive and gets caught and suplexed into the table. Back in, Drew tosses him with more suplexes and follows with the big boot and a spinebuster for two. Seth escapes the Future Shock DDT and puts him down with an enzuigiri and superkick for one, and he goes up with a frog splash for two. Seth goes for the stomp, but Drew dodges that and headbutts him into the corner. Seth pops up with the superplex into the falcon arrow for two. Drew with the Future Shock for two as they keep doing the forced pauses and near-falls for the non-existent crowd. They fight on the top and Drew gets hung in the Tree of Woe, but manages to power up and throw Seth off to set up the Claymore. Seth blocks it with a superkick, however, and gets the stomp for two. He sets up for another one, but Drew hits him with the headbutt and finishes with the Claymore at 19:34. They worked hard, it was good. But ultimately it’s just the same Seth Rollins that it’s always been in there, doing the same match. ***1/4
Meanwhile, R-Truth is lonely without his 24-7 belt, even though he had that huge win over MVP tonight. So he’s going after Tom Brady. And then the interviewer explains the joke by saying he meant Gronk.
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Money In the Bank: Lacey Evans v. Nia Jax v. AJ Styles v. Otis v. Carmella v. Shayna Baszler v. Aleister Black v. King Corbin v. Dana Brooke v. Asuka v. Rey Mysterio v. Daniel Bryan
So I guess we’re going to cut between the two matches, with the men starting in the gym and the women starting in the lobby. Asuka immediately dives onto everyone from the balcony and takes an elevator, while everyone else runs for the stairs.
Meanwhile, the guys do some generic brawling in the gym and Otis traps AJ under a barbell. And then everyone runs into the bathroom, where Brother Love makes a cameo for our first sight gag. And then they fight into the elevator.
Back to the women, as the men brawl through while Asuka waits in the elevator. Bryan hits Corbin and Otis with the Yes kicks and then runs off, while someone dressed as Doink lurks behind a chair. Meanwhile, the women fight into a conference room, but Dana dramatically hits Nia with a chair and seemingly grabs the briefcase. But then Stephanie stops by (complete with music) to inform her that it’s not the real briefcase and it’s just “The Money in the Bank conference room”. What?
So then back to AJ, as he wanders the halls and freaks out at various posters of people, like Undertaker, before wandering into a flashback of the boneyard match and then apparently getting locked into a room by Black.
Next, Paul Heyman has a meal interrupted by everyone running into his feast and Otis declaring a food fight. Why would Paul need the giant table full of food? And then we get a food fight, with Shayna stopping to choke out Rey, ending with Nia powerbombing Carmella through the table.
This brings Otis to the cafeteria for a cameo from Johnny Ace, who gets a pie in the face. Yes, People Power was a thing that happened, thank you failed Famiy Guy writers for reminding us. Then Asuka reappears and gets chased by the others, with a pointless slip and fall gag from Dana because the floor was wet.
Daniel Bryan and AJ brawl into Vince’s office, and he yells at them to get out, so they meekly leave after putting the chairs back. And then continue fighting. And then Corbin lays everyone out and I guess it’s time to go to the roof now.
So up on the roof they have a ring and ladders, which would lead one to wonder why they didn’t just start the match up there in the first place. Nia gets a BAD press slam on Lacey, which somehow still looks terrible with multiple camera angles and pre-taping. Asuka tries to climb and Lacey hauls her down, but she fights both Lacey and Nia off and then has to fight off Corbin for some reason as well before claiming the womens’ case at 21:56. So what happened to Shayna and Dana and Carmella? They didn’t even make it to the roof!
Otis comes out to the roof next, but he’s too fat for the ladder and breaks the rungs. Good lord. So he does the Caterpillar on Corbin instead, but Black and Rey head out and take him out. But then Corbin apparently throws Rey off the roof while AJ and Bryan climb. AJ hits Otis with the forearm and does the dramatic climb (complete with dramatic music) but he battles Corbin on top of the ladder, until Elias appears in the ring and hits Corbin with the guitar, and the briefcase falls into Otis’s hands at 27:09. Well, that’s different. IS NO ONE CONCERNED THAT REY JUST GOT THROWN OFF THE FUCKING ROOF? This whole thing was really, REALLY bad, a huge mistake to even try. It was blocked like a bad action movie, with no real flow of the action or concept of where anything was in relation to anything else. And people would just straight up disappear for minutes at a time!
Well, at least the show was short, at only 2:20. I’ll give them that. I wasn’t a fan but people might enjoy the main event as something goofy and different. There was NOTHING to recommend on the undercard, though. It’s a show that happened and now it’s done with.