The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.26.92
You know we’re on the verge of 1993 because Damian Demento has made it into the intro now.
Taped from Dayton, OH
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Bobby Heenan. Bobby’s resolution is to stop being such a nice guy!
Razor Ramon v. Gus Kantarakis
HISTORIC FIRST! Razor tells the ring attendant “If something happen to this gold, something happen to you” and then throws the toothpick at him. That’s actually the first time he’s done that bit. Razor chokeslams the ham n egger and slaps him around on the mat while Bobby describes the fun of stamp collecting: Find someone who collects stamps, then wait until they’re not looking and sell them. NO MORE MR. NICE GUY. Razor’s Edge finishes at 1:54.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WWF FAN CLUB!
But first, Gene wants to talk about the hot new song “WWF Slam”, which is already #4 in the UK. Have you SEEN the crap that makes the charts in the UK? That’s hardly anything to brag about. So get your dancin’ shoes on, because here’s the video! I’m sure the usual suspects here are already compiling the soundbites and where they came from. Anyway, the song is of course the most ridiculously generic beat with various soundbites overlaid, plus a RAP BREAK because it’s 1992 and we still thought Vanilla Ice was pretty cool. See, for all you kids reading, Vanilla Ice used to make music and not flip houses. BLEW YOUR MIND.
Bob Backlund v. Barry Horowitz
Vince is astonished that Bob could make a comeback at 43. And now that’s 7 years away from a Wrestlemania main event run. Barry goes for a full nelson while the mysterious clown mops the aisle. Bob monkey-flips out of the full nelson and takes Barry down with a single leg and then dumps him to the floor. Back in, Bob with a reverse rolling cradle for the pin at 2:58. This Backlund thing was DEATH. Like who could possibly give a shit about this guy doing 70s wrestling and counters in the age of cartoon characters?
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Repo Man is pretty sure he’s going to just straight up steal Bret Hart’s World title. Hey, it’s better than Virgil just vaguely calling out every heel on the show. Also, the Nasty Boys would like to stress to Money Inc that they’re from the STREETS and thus they’re getting the tag team titles. What was with every heel laughing at the beginning of their promo? Were they watching Police Academy 3 beforehand and remembering a particularly hilarious Tackleberry zinger?
The Headshrinkers v. Chris Allen & Bill Vaper
I think that Vaper used to compete on the indy circuit as Bill Smoker, but then quit. The Shrinkers smash both guys and hit Allen with a double headbutt and then chop him down. Double clothesline and Vince can’t even be bothered to pretend he cares which jobber is which. Fatu finishes with the flying splash at 2:00 and DID VINCE JUST SAY THAT THE STEINERS WERE COMING IN?!? I feel like that one needs a bit more exploration.
Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect takes batting practice with Wade Boggs, and calls his shot before hitting a home run.
Reverend Slick has a vision of setting goals for his life, and helping us set realistic goals for ourselves. But his personal goal is to reach one person who will hear his message. Damn this man can preach.
Tatanka v. Bret Tyler
Tatanka slams the jobber while the unnamed clown continues mopping up the aisle, which Vince notes is much like how Perfect will mop the ring with Razor Ramon. I mean, the clown is LITERALLY mopping the aisle, whereas Vince’s example is more metaphorical, so I don’t really think it lines up. Meanwhile, Vince chides the other announces for making stereotyped remarks about Tatanka as my eyes rolls so far back into my head that I can look out the window behind me. Flying chop and Papoose to Go finish at 2:45. And then the clown tries to mop up Tatanka and accidentally hits him in the face with the mop, which is apparently a horrific eye injury and not a laughing matter AT ALL. Once again I have to side with the heel commentators.
ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!
Apparently we need to get ready to see 30 of the biggest superstars in one incredible match. And then watch whatever bullcrap we get instead. Speaking of which, here’s another five names for the match: Ric Flair, Macho Man, IRS, Virgil, Mr. Perfect. Plus Big Bossman v. Bam Bam Bigelow and Bret Hart v. Razor Ramon.
Virgil v. John Rechner
Yes, to settle the long-running debate right now, Virgil has indeed faced Ballz Mahoney and here’s video proof. I’m sure we’re all tired of hearing about the urban legend. Virgil with a dropkick and atomic drop and he follows with a suplex and corner clothesline. He goes up with a flying clothesline and finishes with the legsweep at 1:55.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Brian Costello
Bam Bam slams him repeatedly, but misses a diving headbutt and Costello fights back briefly before getting clobbered down again. Bossman does an inset promo where he warns Bigelow that he’s got “one week to go” until Royal Rumble. Wait, what? That’s not right. Did he mean “one month to go”, I wonder, and no one bothered to edit it? Bigelow with the flying headbutt to finish at 1:55.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Crush warns us that everyone should stay away from drugs because they’re a dead end road. Yeah, you might end up in jail and then die from them. Hypothetically speaking. Also, Damian Demento laughs a lot, and OH, speaking of drugs, Marty Jannetty is going to teach Shawn Michaels a lesson and kick his butt. Long as he doesn’t show up drunk off his ass but HOW LIKELY IS THAT?
Next week: Crush, Marty Jannetty, Yokozuna and MR. PERFECT V. BERZERKER! Oh man did I accidentally start up a Wrestlemania by mistake? Gonna be a long week waiting for this one!