The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.19.92
I know last night was Dynamite, but I just felt like watching something with a crowd again and these shows are like a warm bowl of chicken soup for the snarky soul.
Taped from Dayton, OH
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Bobby Heenan & Jerry Lawler, and of course this week’s theme is CHRISTMAS.
Crush v. Dark Destiny
Isn’t that the next movie in the Terminator franchise? Crush ties up Mr. Destiny on the mat and then catches him coming down from the middle rope with a slam. I’m assuming this is either Barry Hardy or Duane Gill under a mask and bodysuit. Crush offers us Hawaiian holiday greetings in some weird foreign language in the inset promo. WE’RE IN AMERICA, SPEAK AMERICAN, COMMIE. Crush throws Destiny around on the floor and slams him back into the ring, and then finishes with the head crusher at 2:55.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE!
Last week, Gene interviewed “hard fighting” champion Bret Hart, but Bobby Heenan interrupted with Razor Ramon and Ric Flair, apparently part of Heenan’s two-pronged plan to unseat Bret. How long did it take him to come up with a plan of “Have multiple guys attack Bret”, I wonder?
Kamala v. Bill Koby
Kamala chops the geek down as the narrative has now become “Kamala is all freaked out after the Undertaker match at Survivor Series”, so Harvey and Kim Chee are getting even more abusive towards him. As usual Kamala chokes the guy down and tries for the pin when he’s on his stomach and then finally rolls him over and finishes at 2:00. Jerry Lawler, meanwhile, informs us that Kamala is from the royal family of “whatever country he comes from”. Crack investigative work there.
Reverend Slick preaches at us again to JUST BE HAPPY, DAMMIT. Lend a hand upwards to those with success! Lend a hand downward to those who need help! Solid advice, actually.
Big Bossman v. Barry Hardy
The unnamed clown wanders around ringside again while Hardy avoids Bossman’s initial flurry in a weird bit. So, I don’t want to start any accusations, but has anyone checked whether Barry Hardy and Joe Exotic are different people? Or are we not doing Tiger King bits anymore? Either way, the resemblance is uncanny. Bossman slam finishes at 1:45 while the clown sets up what appears to be a tripwire at the barriers. And then of course Bossman sprints for the back and falls on his face at the entrance. “He took a trip to Cobb County!” notes Bobby Heenan. Quality line there. Vince of course is the one to speak up for the safety of the performers while decrying pranks like that.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Shawn Michaels calls out Marty Jannetty, and Tatanka actually says “many moons ago” in his promo. Apparently the concept of calendars were still foreign to his people.
Yokozuna v. Richard Myers
Bobby and Jerry continue debating with Vince about hilarity and good taste, wondering if Vince really never “pushed anyone down an escalator”. Haven’t we all? Come on, that’s a classic! Myers charges like a complete moron and gets laid out, then legdropped. Yoko batters him with strikes in the corner and follows with the butt splash in the corner, and Banzai Drop to finish at 1:30. Big reaction of horror from the crowd to that squash. Myers running into him and playing dead was particularly effective.
The Bushwackers join us for a special interview, as Santa’s “helpers from the South Pole”. They’re from New Zealand, not Antarctica. Also I’m pretty sure they don’t celebrate Christmas on the Australian continent anyway because the International dateline screws up Santa’s GPS. He’d probably just put marmite in everyone’s stocking anyway.
Damian Demento v. Kerry Davis
The questionable geography on this show continues, as Demento hails from “the outer reaches of your mind”. I’m assuming that’s part of the greater region of Parts Unknown, but with better taxes. Demento gets a neckbreaker and finishes with a kneedrop at 2:12. How did this goof even get past his tryout match?
ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!
ICOPRO apparently wants to wish us a happy holiday season, which is about as heartwarming as any greeting from a series of snake oil powders can be, I suppose.
And now, the first six people in the Rumble: Ted Dibiase! Tatanka! Yokozuna! Bob Backlund! The Berzerker! The Undertaker! My money’s on the Berzerker, his whole deal is throwing people over the top rope.
Money Inc v. Lavern McGill & Chris Hawn
IRS again zings us by pointing out that we’re cheating on our taxes. Never get sick of hearing that one! Just like people who work retail never get tired of hearing “Oh, there’s no price on it, must be free!” Dibiase works the arm of McGill while the unknown clown hangs out in the crowd and he’s got a giant cartoon hammer. Maybe he’s prepping for a Hell in the Cell match with Seth Rollins. Dibiase finishes Hawn with the Million Dollar Dream while the Nasties do their inset promo.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Tito Santana apparently has lots to be thankful for this Christmas. Has he SEEN his gear in the mirror? He should ask Santa for a better gimmick. Also, the Headshrinkers growl like savages, and Virgil is very excited about the prospects that 1993 holds and he likes his food “fried, dyed and laid to the side” so he’s gonna bring a garbage can for Yokozuna. What the FUCK is he talking about?
And then all of the babyfaces wish us a Merry Christmas in a group message. And then Vince fired them all to cut costs on the 24th of December.