The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.12.92
It is finally back on the Network and I have missed it so much!
NOW THEN. Where were we?
Taped from Dayton OH, at the NUTTER CENTER. The center for all your nutting, apparently.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bobby Heenan, although Bobby immediately introduces JERRY LAWLER as the new co-host, which I should point out BLEW MY MIND at the time. Keep in mind that outside of the AWA deal, Lawler had never been a part of either major promotion in any significant manner.
The Nasty Boys v. The Brooklyn Brawler & John Rechner
Yes, it’s the brawler and the baller. The Nastys double-team Lombardi and Sags gets the pumphandle slam, but it’s over to Rechner, who immediately takes an elbow to the back of the neck while trying a backdrop. Nasties with the Pitstop on Rechner and Knobs bulldogs him to set up the Shitty Elbow at 2:46 as King and Brain argue over which Nasty Boy is uglier. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Rechner of course went on to a more famous run as Ballz Mahoney a few years later.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!
Yes, we have a main event: Bret Hart v. Razor Ramon! Apparently fearing that the fanbase has already forgotten the concept of the Rumble match, we take a look at highlights from previous years, but then Gene drops the real bombshell: The winner of the match gets the title shot at the champion at Wrestlemania 9, thus beginning that tradition.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. John Paul
Paul offers a handshake and Bam Bam throws him into the corner for his trouble, then catches him with a backbreaker and drops elbows while the unnamed clown hangs out in the aisle with a bucket of water. Bammer finishes with the diving headbutt at 1:11. Afterwards, the clown threatens him with the bucket, but it turns out to be confetti. They should have asked Mr. Fuji to script the clown’s ribs, although then they wouldn’t have been able to make TV.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Big Bossman explains that his parents taught him early to walk the straight and narrow and love justice. Sounds like a couple of narcs to me. Also, Money Inc brags about all the money they’re making after regaining the tag team titles. You know why it really sucked for Mike Rotunda last week? He got fired on APRIL 15! Of all the days to give IRS the pink slip!
Meanwhile, the Reverend Slick preaches about the Royal Rumble, and he tells us that we should all have a happy day, even though our skies are clouded and grey. Yeah, we need him in 2020 because our days have been pretty cloudy and grey this year.
Marty Jannetty v. Duane Gill
Marty takes Gill down with a facelock while the clown wanders around ringside again. Actually Marty’s tights are veering into circus territory as it is. There’s a LOT of pastel colors on display there. That’s probably why it took a year to upload the next 14 episodes, because they had to adjust the color timing with Marty and the clown on the screen at the same time so they didn’t blow up the monitors. Marty slugs away on Gill in the corner while Vince notes that Marty is a proponent of ICOPRO. Yeah, he sure loves his powders and supplements, all right. Flying fistdrop finishes at 2:59. This time, the clown’s bucket is full of real water and not just confetti. Vince declares that THIS IS NOT FUNNY. I beg to differ. That’s probably how Marty sobers up before his squash matches.
Nailz v. Mike Collins
I actually thought the previous show was the last appearance of Nailz before he vanished from history forever. Nailz throws this geek around and chokes him out, then punts him in the ribs as Vince hints that Undertaker will be facing Nailz at Royal Rumble. Plans sure changed there, then. Nailz with the choking and the chokeout at 1:44.
Meanwhile, SUPER WRESTLEMANIA arrives on Sega Genesis. I never really was able to distinguish between that one, Royal Rumble and RAW.
Bret Hart is here to face accusations that he’s defending the WWF title TOO MUCH and he’s going to burn himself out. But Bret just wants to be the greatest one of all-time and he’s not worried about Razor Ramon or Ric Flair. So this brings Bobby Heenan over, because nobody talks shit about the Nature Boy while he’s around. So Bobby brings out Flair, who is so close that he’s IN BRET’S KING-SIZED BED WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. That bitch Julie? Ric’s welcome to have her. Flair cuts a coked-out promo about how he’s going to be a three-time World champion, and then Razor Ramon joins us as well. Razor reassures us that he’s the only mang who is oozing machismo, just in case rumors to the contrary might have been circulating on the new-fangled internet I guess, and after the Rumble he’ll add Bret’s gold around his waist to accent the gold around his neck. Bret goes after Razor and that triggers a brawl with the heels, until Mr. Perfect makes the save and teases what would have been a hell of a tag team match if we had ever seen it.
Lance Cassidy v. Gus Kantarakis
So for those who are new here, Cassidy was Steve Armstrong doing his Young Pistols gimmick as a single and flopping spectacularly. Cassidy slugs away in the corner and follows with a hiptoss, then goes up and finishes with a flying clothesline at 1:30. They’re so tone deaf that they actually show the people in the crowd “dancing” along with his lame “cowboy” theme to mock him.
Meanwhile, we take a look at the WWF doing Make-A-Wish stuff at Planet Hollywood, as it’s all about how terrific they are for doing it and how everyone does fancy entrances. I guess there were some kids they let into the restaurant, too, I dunno.
Undertaker v. Barry Horowitz
Vince is pretty sure that Nailz doesn’t want any part of the Undertaker. It’s weird that they’re even continuing the hype on this show, since Nailz was long gone by the point the show aired. Unless they were just burning off the taping and didn’t care. Undertaker with a chokeslam for the pin at 1:30.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Papa Shango reads us a story from his curse book, and we get something of an easter egg as one of his verses is that “ring rats will eat you at night” and that HAD to be a rib. Also, Max Moon cuts a promo. So that happened. Frankly I’d prefer to go back to Papa Shango reading from his burning book. Wait, has Trump figured out book burning yet? Or is he waiting to see if he wins a second term before he gets into next level of dictatorship techniques?
NEXT WEEK: Crush! Yokozuna! More people for the Rumble! And Bret Hart calls Flair and Ramon a BUNCH OF JACKALS to close out the show. Good thing he didn’t call them HYENAS. Some words you can’t take back.
OH GOD I MISSED THIS SHOW SO MUCH. Never leave me again!