Covid-19 Knifey Spooney

Good Day Sir,

Hope you and the family are doing well under the circumstances.

The following is best read in your best John Cleese voice for the full effect of the trials and tribulations of Covid-19 down under.

As of today here are Australia’s official Coronavirus guidelines:

  1. Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can, but it depends on where you live, and what you do.


  1. Some beaches are closed but others remain open, you can meet in groups or two to 10 depending on where you live, but fishing on your own in some places is dangerous.


  1. Masks are useless, but maybe you should wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well, but you cannot find them for sale.


  1. Shops are closed, except those that are open. Some that are open can let less in than others, in any case depends on how regulations are policed, or not policed.


  1. Some shops can sell nonessentials, other than stores who cannot.


  1. You should not go to hospitals unless you really must go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick, if you are too sick, please stay home, if you were already sick, your operations have been stopped, until sometime later.


  1. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that some die, but only if they were already sick, but now the old flu is no longer being reported, unless it is the new version, but we are not sure our tests know which, so until we know, or don’t know, any flu is coronavirus, unless it’s not.


  1. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help, if you can find them for sale, but please sanitize them on a regular basis.


  1. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it’s important to GO OUT, unless you are going out without a good reason, but when you get there, and what you wanted is not available, you can go back out looking for it, and yes you can stop for a haircut or to shop at Bunnings as long as it is essential, unless you are going out for a non-essential reason.


9a. All markets are closed unless they are markets that can remain open, and or the police policing the regulations decide the market is an essential service where they will decide if non-essential items can be sold or not sold


  1. There is no shortage of toilet paper or groceries in the supermarket, unless they have run out, and if there is a lot of what you want, you are limited to only 2of that item, so you have to shop again tomorrow.


  1. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects, and those affected may show no signs of the illness, but can give it to you, but can all go to school unless the school they go to is closed.


  1. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there……..but be careful if your diet includes bats who cannot transfer it to you unless you eat one that can.


  1. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms, but even if you have the right symptoms, unless you have been overseas, please stay home and do not get tested.


  1. Police will issue updates on the regulations, but the officers empowered to uphold the regulations may not understand what they mean, but those that do will be advised by another, just in case they are unsure.


  1. The Virus came from either a Bat, in China, or from the US, then transported to a Bat who was subject to animal welfare abuse, which means the world has shut down, because of animal abuse unless the bat flew from the US got tired, and died so was eaten appropriately.


  1. Anything you are told is not correct unless Facebook tells you it is, as long as a UN department tells Facebook it is correct, which may not be correct if the UN advisor is not quite sure.


  1. If you are unemployed, you will get much more money but if you had a job you will get less, if you have a disability you get nothing more, same if you are a pensioner, but if you are an employer, you can have money to pay your staff even if you are still operating, unless you are self-employed then you must apply for support after paying your accountant to show your sales are down, but so far we are not sure when any of this will happen.

I am not confused by any of this, unless I might be, but then who knows what is real.

I hope this is clear as mud for you. Wash your hands!


Well, the world’s gone nuts.  What can ya do?