Right let’s carry on the death march to NXT.
Speaking of which I’m completely dead from my mate’s stag do so expect some quality typing. (edit: Ohhhh, I wondered why I started typing this up in January and didn’t come back to it until March. My mate was so blitzed I had to carry him around the club like Flair wrestling Kerry Von Erich for an hour. After physically shoving pizza into his mouth and holding him down in the taxi as he requested the driver play “that song from The Witcher”, I got him back safe and sound only for his fiance to ask why we bothered. It was a fun night.)
We’re in Providence, RI and after a dramatic recap of last week’s hot Christian vs. Yoshi Tatsu title match, still-Champ Christian heads to the ring to demand William Regal show his face after the Roundtable bum-rushed him. Regal no-shows so Christian goes to head to the back but here’s alleged-GM Tiffany and I really can’t do her theme justice:
MY NAME IS TIFFANY AND I LOVE TO FUCK.
Tiffany tries to talk Christian out of wrestling Regal because that’s what he wants. Christian doesn’t care and he’s happy to make way for Willie. Regal says he’ll only wrestle him tonight if it’s for the title and Christian’s so mad he accepts, seeing as this is the arena he won it in the first place (big pop for that). So after agreeing to his demands, Regal…declines the match, saying he’d rather wrestle next week in Blighty. Ha!
William Regal vs. Goldust
Tiffany’s mad after all that fannying around so he makes Regal wrestle. Christian plants him with a dropkick before leaving the ring and Goldust shows up to a “hey I remember him” reaction. Lots of plunder-blunder around the ring from Goldy results in more of the same from Regal. Willie sticks him with a chinlock to get the crowd revving. Goldust makes his comeback with moves he executes better in 2020 than he did in 2009 with the quick powerslam getting a two-count before missing a Stinger Splash in the corner and taking the Knee Trembler to the face to end it.
Winner: William Regal (They did absolutely nothing but the crowd went nuts for them so why do more?)
Backstage, Zack Ryder is checking himself out in the mirror before newly-traded Rosa Mendes introduces herself. I know the name but can’t remember what she did on Raw because Johnny Ace hired so many fucking women during this time they struggled to find roles for them and as a result they all blend together. Apparently she was Beth Phoenix & Santino Marella’s superfan and then she wasn’t.
Anyway the camera zooms in on Ryder’s love-struck eyes (and big-ass spot) as we transition into seeing her from his perspective and she’s…doing what she’s already doing but with rock music playing. The joke doesn’t work she’s walking around like a Russ Meyer film by default but let’s move on.
She touches Ryder, he cums, stay tuned for a brand new Happy Days.
Zack Ryder vs. Shelton Benjamin
Rosa Mendes is guest ring announcer (Ace: “look I don’t care what she does on the show, I just need her out of my garage by Monday”). Ryder’s able to nail the Nick Gage boot-scrape early on The Best Pure Athlete, Honest. “Every week Ryder continues to impress” as a chinlock completely kills the crowd. Shelton starts popping the hips and suplexing Ryder all over the place but Zack lands on his feet after an attempted slingshot. Ryder spots Rosa applying lip-gloss and is too busy firing love juice to notice Shelton land the Paydirt to end it.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin (Just storyline advancement, brought to you by The Sledgehammer Of Subtly.)
Oh in case you were wondering, The Bellas have been drafted to Raw where they continue to do nothing but in front of more people.
Paul Burchill told Shane Helms to tell his “friend” Hurricane to show up this week but he can’t see him. He shows up (oh) and The Ripper tells him Halloween was last week. Hurricane replies “hey for some, Halloween lasts all year long…ask your sister.” Burchill gets annoyed because only he’s allowed to be rough to his sister and they agree to one last match next week with Ripper promising to leave if he loses.
Backstage Abraham Washington & Tony Atlas talk about buying a new set and we get the debut of Vance Archer, who scowls and walks off before Tiffany calls him “intense.”
Vance Archer vs. Logan Jones
TNA’s Lance Hoyt (whose last gimmick was Lance Rock as part of Jimmy Rave’s Rock & Rave Connection) shows up looking generic before delivering a belly-to-belly and Reverse DDT to squash the local lad, kickstarting a year of mid-card Superstars matches.
Christian & Yoshi Tatsu vs. Ezekiel Jackson & Vladimir Kozlov
Zeke start off yelling at Yoshi before taking a few buzz-saw kicks and tagging in Kozlov. After landing the Butt To The Gut, Yoshi gets worked over like the Allies circling around The Bizmarck. Eventually Christian makes the hot tag to take out both guys, even surviving a Canadian Backbreaker from Kozlov and landing a Reverse DDT for two. Hey that’s Vance’s finisher! Christian & Yoshi dump Zeke outside which allows Kozlov to send Christian across the ring with a Sack Of Shit, however Christ ignores it and after a top-rope dropkick, plants him with the Killswitch to send us home happy.
Winners: Christian & Yoshi Tatsu (Simple but effective match in front of a hot crowd.)
Regal immediately scurries out to pound away on Christian and together The Roundtable stretch him around the ring-post before Willie goes radio rental while locking in The Regal Stretch on the floor.
And that’s the show.
Everything was a set-up for the big UK show next week so there wasn’t much happening but at least it’s leading to something, like season one of Bojack Horseman.
Follow me on Twitter if you want (every other cunt seems to) and I leave you with Sad Bryon.