The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 03.11.20
Live from Salt Lake City, UT
Your hosts are Jim Ross, Tony Schiavone & Excalibur
Earlier tonight, Hangman is looking for a partner tonight, and asks the Bucks to be there so he can personally blow them off. Specifically Matt, although he would consider teaming with Nick if he has his gear tonight. Which he doesn’t. So the partner remains a MYSTERY.
Ortiz v. Cody Rhodes
The guy with the “All DELETE Wrestling” sign is pretty clever. Pretty, pretty clever. Cody quickly works the arm and snaps off a powerslam for one, while Jake Roberts and his new client Lance Archer wander down to watch. This allows Ortiz to clothesline him out of the ring and run him into the railing to take over, but Cody whips him into the stairs. Back in, Cody with a backbreaker for two and he goes to a half crab while the crowd chants for Jake the Snake. Ortiz escapes the crab but Cody does the sliding punch and Ortiz takes a funny bump off it before kicking Cody’s leg out for the heat. Ortiz: “I’M A GENIUS!” That sort of thing never works out well for the heels. Ortiz with a suplex and he dumps Cody for some abuse from Santana. Back in, Ortiz with a big splash for two, but he stops to swivel the hips and that goes badly for him. So he chokes Cody out in the corner and finishes his previous hip swivel, which was so RUDEly interrupted by Cody before, but Cody fights back with a drop suplex and he slugs away in the corner. The belt gets thrown into the crowd as JR wonders if he’s writing them off as a business expense, but he goes up and Ortiz crotches him. Cody blocks a superplex and Santana gets involved again, but Brandi swats him with HER belt. Ortiz does manage to hit the superplex and that gets two, however. Santana decides to antagonize AA on the floor, so Cody’s had enough and hits him with a dive, and then suplexes Ortiz on the ramp for good measure. Back in, Ortiz dropkicks the bad knee again and hits a fisherman’s suplex for two as Lance Archer has seen enough and calls it a night. Cody comes back with the disaster kick, but Ortiz counters to a rollup and Cody tries the Crossroads off that. Ortiz rakes the face to escape, but Cody takes out the leg and fires up now, which gives us a figure-four, and Ortiz taps at 11:34. The crowd was just insane for Cody here and they had a hell of an entertaining TV match as Ortiz just keeps getting better. ***3/4 LAX tries a beatdown afterwards, but Matt Jackson and Kenny make the save. LE CHAMPION pops up on the big screen, however, and promises to put the beats on “you pumpkinhead dipshits”, then reveals that Nick Jackson’s head has apparently been crushed under a steel door. Well that’s a unique injury. So I’m guessing he’s not the mystery partner?
Kris Statlander & Hikaru Shida v. Nyla Rose & Bea Priestley
The heels attack to start and Nyla beats on Shida in the corner and puts her down with a short clothesline. Legdrop gets two. Priestley comes in and chokes out Shida in the corner and adds some boot rakes on the ropes for two. Shida fights back on Rose, but gets suplexed for two. Statlander gets a tag and we take a break and return with Kris hitting a backbreaker on Priestley. She puts Bea on the ropes in the corner, and Shida comes in and suplexes her own partner onto Priestley for two! The crowd chants “Holy Shida!” at that one, which is pretty clever. Bea comes back with a german suplex, but Shida hits a knee strike and goes for the hot tag, before Nyla cuts it off like a big MEANIE. No wonder Statlander didn’t want to boop her. Nyla misses the guillotine knee and Shida goes up with a missile dropkick, which sets up a double knee strike for two. Shida with a Michinoku Driver on Rose for two on Rose, but Nyla takes out Statlander and sets up a Doomsday Device on Shida. Shida fights out of that, but Nyla spears her and follows with the powerbomb for the pin at 9:30. Wait, champions can WIN matches? Since when? ***1/4 And then Priestley decides to turn on her partner and lays out Rose, which feels like a bad idea for her.
Meanwhile, Christopher Daniels (star of “Being the Elite” and “Christopher Daniels almost dies”) does his own version of the Dark Order videos and points out that there is no Exalted One. So he challenges both Uno and Grayson to singles match with himself, and when the Exalted One doesn’t show up to save them, that’s proof of his non-existence. For those looking for more obvious clues, there’s a shot of a fake newspaper headline about the Exalted One mystery, and one of the side headlines is “Compound survives fire”, and we know who lives on a compound.
MJF, the Butcher & The Blade v. The Jurassic Express
MJF makes sure to milk the reveal of the “I Pinned Cody” shirt to maximize his dickishness, but then he runs away from Luchasaurus. But then the Butcher and Blade take out his knees from behind and the heels go to work in the corner. MJF stops to do a Fargo Strut and Lucha goes for the throat, but MJF takes him down with a dragon screw and they go back to the knee again. We take a break and return with Luchasaurus making a comeback on Blade, but he can’t get to the corner due to Blade and MJF literally grabbing his ankles. So he walks them both over to the corner, and makes the hot tag to Jungle Boy. He runs wild with forearms and moonsaults the Blade, but Butcher cuts him off. So to speak. Marko saves with a tornado DDT and the heels hit the floor, so Marko hits them with a dive and gets caught. So then JB hits his OWN dive to put everyone down, and then Luchasaurus also dives and nearly breaks his neck on the ring apron. They should call that one the Meteor because it nearly killed the dinosaur. Back in, Luchasaurus with a double chokeslam on the heels, but Butcher throws Marko onto the pile to break up the pin. Butcher and dinosaur have a HOSS FIGHT and that’s pretty awesome, but Marko tags in again for whatever the exact opposite of a HOSS FIGHT would be. He stomps MJF down in the corner while MJF sells in terror, but Jungle Boy pulls him off and Marko gets all pissed off about it. This allows the heels to take out JB on the floor and Marko is left alone with MJF and taps to an armbar at 11:00. Another hot match in a series of them tonight. ***1/4
Meanwhile, Darby Allin presents another uniquely creepy video, this one of himself wearing a Jericho mask and dragging Sammy Guevara’s dead body around behind his car. I’ll have to decipher the symbolism on that one later.
Dr. Britt Baker DMD joins us for her weekly chat with Tony, and once again brings coffee. Which is frowned upon in Utah, apparently. Unlike sugar, which is in plentiful supply with all the fat people in the audience with bad teeth. Also, the audience might all be related to each other. But they can still shoot for the stars and be janitors and plumbers if they work really hard! This brings out Big Swole, who accuses Tony of not liking Dr. Baker! That’s pretty hurtful. So Britt goes low by noting that everyone only cares about Swole’s boyfriend and then throws the coffee at her. That last line was pretty funny and ironic coming from Britt, actually.
The DEATH TRIANGLE v. Joey Janela & Private Party
OK, this should rightly be a slaughter. The heels charge in and run the faces out of the ring right away, but Kassidy trades some gymnastics with Pac to stay alive. Fenix comes in and Private Party gets the Silly String on him, which sets up Janela against Pentagon. Joey with a back elbow out of the corner, but Pac cuts off his comeback. Private Party manages to clear the ring with dropkick and Janela hits them with a dive, and we take a break. Back with Kassidy fighting out of the corner and Janela gets a hot tag and cleans house with clotheslines before diving onto Fenix outside. Back in, Quenn hits a rana on Fenix into a DVD from Janela, and then goes up with the shooting star press for two. Pentagon comes in with a sling blade on Quenn and then the Triangle absolutely murders Quenn with strikes in the corner and hits a triple-team diving double stomp combo for two. Pac fires off kicks, but Janela gets another tag and cleans house again while Private Party hit a pair of dives on the Lucha Brothers. Janela with the death valley driver on the apron and he drops the flying elbow on Pac for two, but then Fenix flies in with a cutter and they finish Joey with the Penta Driver into the Black Arrow at 11:55. I think they gave Janela WAY too much before finishing him off. It was a super hot match but they really needed to establish the Death Triangle as killers out of the gate. *** The Best Friends save the babyfaces from any further abuse to set up the next program.
Meanwhile, Dustin Rhodes is suddenly dressed to FIGHT and he is apparently the mystery partner, whether or not Hangman likes it. I’m guessing not.
Meanwhile, we get some promos from Twitter geeks looking to be Shawn Spears’ tag team partner. Including Simon Miller from WhatCulture! I popped for that one.
NEXT WEEK: We will finally meet the Exalted One!
Jon Moxley sits down with JR for an interview, since he’s not cleared to wrestle this week. But he’ll be there for Blood & Guts and that’s bad news for the Inner Circle.
Chris Jericho & Sammy Guevara v. Hangman Page & Dustin Rhodes
Page’s graphic is hilarious, noting “He hasn’t even talked to Dustin Rhodes today”. Jericho and Sammy get a hug in at the bell, which makes me feel like we need a showdown to determine who the real Best Friends are. Sammy immediately gets double-teamed by the Cowboys and Dustin gets a lariat for two and whips Sammy into the corner as the announcers point out that the rest of the Elite are at the hospital with Nick. Just in case anything happens and we’re wondering why no one saves. Page gets laid out on the floor and Jericho grabs a beer from ringside while declaring “I’m a COWBOY!” but that only angers Page more. Sammy kicks him from the apron, however, and the Circle goes to work in the corner, but Page suplexes Jericho onto Sammy and makes the tag to Dustin. Dustin with the sliding punch on Sammy and a bulldog, and he slugs away in the corner, but Sammy fires back with a double stomp for two. And we take a break. Back with the heels hitting a double elbow on Dustin and stopping to pose. But Jericho tries the Lionsault and hits knees, and it’s hot tag Page. Big boot for Sammy to send him flying as the crowd goes nuts. Fallaway slam and sliding lariat gets two. Sammy fires back with a spinkick and Jericho backdrops Page to the apron, but Hangman and Dustin team up on the top rope with a pair of dives. Jericho counters the Buckshot into the Walls, but Dustin quickly saves. Sammy sneaks in with a shooting star, but that misses and Page sets up the lariat before Jericho cuts that off. So Dustin hits Sammy with the Destroyer and Hangman recovers with the Buckshot lariat to finish at 10:54 instead. They got along pretty good as a tag team! ***1/2 And indeed, the Inner Circle proceeds with the beatdown, but Kenny tries to save with his broken jazz hand and gets slaughtered as a result. Then Cody runs wild and he gets cut off as well. The Circle drags Hangman to the entrance for another presumed powerbomb through a table, but Matt Jackson saves this time with a one man superkick party. But then he stops to flip off the Hangman and gets laid out with a chair to the face as a result, and the heels all pose to end the show.
Back on track with a HOT show this week thanks to a surprisingly lively Salt Lake City crowd. Must have smuggled in some caffeine.