The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 02.19.20

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 02.19.20

Live from Atlanta, GA.  Hey, that’s the same place as the NWA tapes!  Maybe Nick Aldis will work Dark.

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Tony Schiavone & Excalibur

Tag Team Battle Royale: 

Everyone is on the floor to start and charges in at the bell, except for the Dark Order dorks, who just hang out on the floor.  Probably smart.  Scorpio Sky goes up and hits everyone with a bodypress, and then Jack Evans tries the same thing and gets caught and dumped out at 1:40.  However, it’s not team rules, so Angelico is still alive.  Quenn gets dumped to the apron by T-Hawk, but Private Party double-teams him and puts him out at 2:51.  SCU double-teams Angelico, but the Dark Order guys put on their masks and finally get into the match.  But then the Dark Order and their creepy motivational guy cut a promo at ringside and distract SCU, allowing the Dark Order to throw them out at 3:00.  And then the Bucks superkick the Order out at 4:20 and we get a brawl to the back.  Trent and CIMA trade chops and CIMA hits him with a slam off the middle rope, but LAX now gets into the match and goes after CIMA.  CIMA teases the german suplex on Jungle Boy off the apron, but Luchasaurus boots CIMA out at 6:15.  Jurassic Express regroups and runs wild, but the Bunny distracts them and the Butcher attacks.  Meanwhile, Dark Order offers a mask to CIMA, and he takes it and thinks it over.  More craziness in the ring as the Bucks run wild with knees, but Nick gets backdropped out by Butcher.  Luchasaurus slugs it out with Butcher, and LAX toss out Private Party at 10:00 to block the Silly String.  Well that’s a dumb move to do in a battle royale anyway.  Luchasaurus boots out Angelico and Sammy Guevara pulls out Jungle Boy at 10:45, and then everyone gangs up on Luchasaurus at 11:15.  Trent gets thrown out by Butcher, but lands on the shoulders of Orange Cassidy and he’s still alive.  Trent comes back in with a tornado DDT on Butcher, and Trent teams up with Matt Jackson to dropkick Blade out at 13:10.  Trent and Matt clean house and stop for a BEST BUCKS HUG, but Butcher breaks it up like a jerk.  Butcher beats on Matt in the corner and whips Trent to the apron, but he hangs on to the bottom rope.  Trent pulls Butcher out with a guillotine and they slug it out (with Orange waiting to catch Trent) but the Bunny kicks Cassidy in the oranges and Trent is out at 15:55.  Matt spears Butcher out at 16:00, but he goes through the middle ropes so he’s still alive.  This leaves Matt alone with LAX and he comes back with the double Northern Lights and dumps Santana to the apron.  But then Sammy trips Matt and LAX hits the Street Sweeper and tosses Matt.  He hangs on, however, and tosses Ortiz to the apron, then superkicks him out at 17:49, then clotheslines Santana out to win at 17:57 and get the tag title shot at Revolution.  GOD DAMN WHAT A BATTLE ROYALE!  I normally hate them but this was literally nonstop action.  Should I rate this one?  HELL YEAH I’M GONNA RATE IT.  ****1/2  This match was so great that I violated my #1 rule of match ratings for it.

Shanna v. Kris Statlander

Britt Baker joins us on commentary to annoy Tony while the women trade wristlocks to start.  Statlander does cartwheels to escape and confuse Shanna, but then boops her nose in the corner.  Shanna aggressively returns the boop and it turns ugly in a hurry, while we cut to Tony proudly holding the coffee that Britt brought him, complete with his name spelled “Toney”.  Well at least she brought him coffee.  We take a break and return with Statlander throwing kicks and hitting a running knee in the corner, into a powerbomb for two.  Statlander goes up and gets kicked down by Shanna into the Tree of Woe, and Shanna hits a double stomp for two.  Statlander tries a backbreaker and Shanna spins into a DDT for two off that.  Shanna dropkicks her on the bottom rope and that gets two.  Statlander finishes with the Big Bang Theory at 9:07, however.  Statlander continues to look like a star and this was a good match.  ***

Last week:  Nyla Rose wins the Women’s title from Riho.

Nyla Rose joins us for her victory promo, and apparently she gets hungry, and when she’s hungry, she BREAKS BITCHES.  Yeah I’m married, I know what she’s talking about.  She’s gonna be a one-time champion because no one is beating her, but Statlander comes out and boops the title belt, followed by Big Swole, but security breaks them up.  Let’s not have Swole in the title picture, OKTHX.

Jon Moxley v. Jeff Cobb

LE CHAMPION has a ticket for ringside, so here’s there along with Hager and Sammy.  Cobb attacks at the bell with a suplex and adds a dropkick, but they fight to the floor and slug it out.  Mox dropkicks the knee on the way in and hits him with a pescado.  Back in, Cobb goes to the ribs to take over and runs Moxley into the corner before going to a chinlock.  Moxley fights out, but Cobb tosses him as we take a break.  Back with Cobb squeezing the ribs and going for the Tour of the Islands, but Moxley escapes and takes out the knee in the corner before going to work on it.  Cobb catches him with a swinging slam, however, and that gets two.  Moxley takes him down with a heel hook, but Cobb makes the ropes and bails to the floor.  Mox tries to follow with a dive and Cobb catches him with a suplex on the floor, and back in for an Oklahoma Stampede that gets two.  Moxley fights back with a german suplex and a lariat, but Cobb laughs it off and slugs it out with him.  Moxley keeps coming with another lariat, but Cobb no-sells it and hits his own.  Mox tries the DDT, but Cobb blasts him with a forearm in the corner, and then Moxley gets a flash cradle for the pin at 11:52.  Hell of a New Japan-style match here, as they were beating on each other with gusto.  ***1/2  The Inner Circle proceeds with the beatdown, but Dustin Rhodes tries to save, and he gets beaten up as well.  But then the lights go out and Darby Allin skateboards down and cleans house with his deck to get some revenge.  This all leaves Moxley alone with Jericho and LE CHAMPION runs away after grabbing his title.

AEW World tag team title:  Kenny Omega & Hangman Page v. The Lucha Bros

The Elite double-team Fenix to start and Kenny quickly sets up the double moonsaults for two, but Fenix goes to the eyes and superkicks Kenny.  Page comes in and everyone fights in the corners, leading to Pentagon monkey-flipping his brother onto Kenny in the corner. We take a break and return with Kenny trying to fight off both Luchas, but Penta kicks him in the face.  Kenny gets a swinging DDT and makes the tag to Hangman, who slugs away on Penta in the corner and boots Fenix off the apron.  Fallaway slam on Penta into a dive on Fenix outside, and back in for a sliding lariat on Penta that gets two.  The champs double-team Penta and Page hits a german suplex, but Fenix escapes the snapdragon and hits Page with a cutter while Pentagon does a Canadian Destroyer on Kenny and everyone is out.  Penta slugs it out with Kenny on the apron and Penta just kicks him right in the damn face, and then Fenix does the ropewalk PK for good measure.  HOLY SHIT.  Penta Driver on the apron is reversed, but Fenix comes out of nowhere with a rana off the apron and then Page hits everyone with a dive.  Incredible.  Back in, Page with the lariat on Penta for two.  Kenny comes back in early and Pentagon takes him out, and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA.  Kenny hits Penta with a V-Trigger to the back of the head, but Page hits Kenny with a buckshot lariat YET AGAIN, allowing the Luchas to double-team Kenny with the Penta Driver for an insane two count.  They set up to finish, but Kenny escapes with a snapdragon on Penta and then catches Fenix with a V-Trigger on the way down and follows with a Tiger Driver for two.  Kenny just yelling at Fenix to COME AT HIM BRO was amazing.  That’s how you hit a higher gear.  And then this time the V-Trigger and Buckshot hit as planned and finish Fenix at 15:14.  Sweet merciful crap this just kept hitting new levels every second leading up to the finish.  And then the Bucks come out to celebrate, but Page again goes off on his own to drink beer.  ****1/2

Meanwhile, It’s time for AEW ACTION FIGURES!  Yeah I’m gonna need all of those.  If the publicity company is reading, PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME.

Steel cage match:  Cody Rhodes v. Wardlow

Pinfall or submission only, no escape.  Wardlow overpowers him to start, but Cody comes back with the sliding punch and a springboard dropkick.  Cody slugs away in the corner, but walks into a clothesline and Wardlow throws him into the cage to take over.  We take a break and return with Cody busted open again, but he fights back with a front suplex and a springboard cutter.  Cody with elbows in the corner, but Wardlow goes low to cut him off and follows with a helicopter slam.  We get some cheese grater action on the cage and Wardlow runs Cody into the door, which knocks it open.  MJF goes over and dares Arn to turn on Cody like he turned on Dusty, but Arn hits MJF with the door instead and Cody makes the comeback.  Cody runs Wardlow into the cage and hits a powerslam for two.  He goes up and Wardlow catches him and sends him into the cage, then grabs the diamond ring from MJF.  But Cody gets his own ballshot and steals the ring.  MJF tries to climb into the cage, but Brandi hits him with a chair and Arn tosses him into the crowd to get rid of him, and Cody hits Crossroads for two.  This isn’t enough, so he goes up to the top of the cage, hits a moonsault press, and that finishes at 11:08.  Well that would do it.  I wouldn’t call it a great match by any stretch, but it accomplished exactly what it needed to do.  ***

Man, if you can find anything to complain about with this episode, I don’t know what to tell you.  This wrestling thing might not be for you.

And if like me you reside outside of the United States and you’re pretty damn pumped about ordering Revolution, do so at the following link through FiteTV and I get a piece of the action: