The SmarK Rant for TNT – 04.19.85
“British Bulldogs and Moondogs have tea time”
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Lord Alfred Hayes
Brought to you by CASTROL OIL. Bret Hart must be on this show.
Bobby Heenan and Big John Studd are the first guests tonight, and Bobby would like to clarify that he doesn’t like “anything English”. Especially tea. Studd also hates tea, and coffee. Vince wonders if he likes SLAMS? Studd wouldn’t know, he’s never been slammed. Vince points out that “over a million people” saw Wrestlemania and accuses Bobby of lying. Vince is claiming a MILLION PEOPLE watching the show and BOBBY is the liar?!? Anyway, Bobby claims that Andre is now retired and living in Grenoble, but Vince notes that Andre is actually on vacation. So Studd’s next goal is to dethrone Hulk Hogan. Alfred stirs up some stuff by calling Bobby “an ill-mannered oaf” and Bobby gets all flustered because he’s not invited to HIGH TEA later as a result.
Moondog Spot and new manager Mr. Fuji join us next, during the brief period when Spot was getting a slight singles push. Fuji has apparently sent Moondog Rex “back to the Louisiana swamp” for further training because he wasn’t properly respectful of Mr. Fuji.
The Moondogs v. Jim Powers & Mohammed Saad
This appears to be from the early incarnation of Prime Time Wrestling, as the Moondogs quickly double on Powers and Spot gets a flying splash for two. Rex drops an elbow and Spot boots him down and follows with a shoulderbreaker for two. Powers tags the other jobber behind the ref’s back and they get more punishment on Powers, and then bring in the other guy and finish him with a Demolition elbow at 3:40.
Back at the studio, Mr. Fuji is very honored to ask Spot to speak, so he goes “Woof woof” and Fuji interprets that as him being hungry. Meanwhile, Rex is in a “concentration camp” learning to behave.
The British Bulldogs join us next, as a soft spoken Davey Boy claims that they’re cousins who have been teaming for “seven years” at that point. Uh, how about no. They started teaming in Stampede in 1983. I mean I guess if you’re going all the way back to when they were in England as rookies, but they were basically feuding with each other for the next five years straight after that.
The British Bulldogs v. AJ Petruzzi & Matt Borne
Huh, Borne doing jobs on Championship Wrestling, how about that. Borne attacks Kid and pounds away to start, so Kid fires back with chops until Borne sends him into the corner. Blind charge misses and Kid goes to work on the arm, so Petruzzi comes in. Davey flips out of a wristlock ala Owen Hart, which was amazing for 1985, and flies up to the top rope with a missile dropkick. Kid with a neck-wrenching snap suplex on AJ and he drops an elbow, and it’s over to Davey with a side headlock. Running powerslam gets two and Borne breaks it up, so Davey hurks him up onto his shoulders in a fireman’s carry, and Kid jumps off the top rope, bounces off Borne’s back with a diving headbutt onto AJ, and gets the pin at 4:00 while Davey holds Borne on his shoulders. Holy SHIT these fuckers were awesome.
Back at the studio, Alfred dedicates high tea to Margaret Thatcher and the Queen while the Bulldogs struggle not to crack up. Vince wonders if the Bulldogs can match up with new tag team champions Sheik & Volkoff, and the Bulldogs think they stand a good chance.
HIGH TEA TIME! Alfred and Stewart Granger, a representative from Buckingham Palace, lay out the proper way to make tea (BOILING HOT!) and introduce some favorite treats from the palace, but Moondog Spot just starts grabbing pastries like a MONSTER, so we take a break while we organize all this chaos. Back with Hayes handing out the tarts and crumpets and such, as Vince is amazed at how well behaved Spot is being now. But then we spoke too soon as Spot goes for more treats, so Fuji breaks the plate over his head to discipline him. “That’s a priceless piece of china!” protests Vince. “Isn’t this exciting?” declares Alfred as he pours the tea, completely oblivious to everything going on around him, but Spot keeps going for his bone. And then Fuji gets all offended because the china isn’t from Japan and neither is the tea, at which point Spot smashes up all the dishes and this whole endeavor just goes to hell. Vince points out that Alfred is the one who invited the Moondog in the first place. Meanwhile the Bulldogs just sat there through everything and didn’t say a word. I mean, what are you gonna say?
Back from the break, Hayes notes that the proceedings were “marred somewhat” by the Moondog smashing up the dinnerware, but it was still a delightful time nonetheless.
Pat Patterson joins us next, hot on the heels of refereeing at Wrestlemania, which OVER A MILLION PEOPLE were watching, Vince would like to remind us.
Pat Patterson v. Bob Orton
Joined in progress from St. Louis with Orton controlling via headlock, but Pat takes him down for a catapult into the corner. Pat slams him and wraps Bob’s knee around the post a few times, then takes out the knee and gets the figure-four. Orton makes the ropes, so Patterson goes to a half crab and Orton bails to escape. Back in and Pat goes for the leg again, but Bob counters with an enzugiri and gets a press slam into a backbreaker for two. Bob thinks he’s won and celebrates, so Pat rolls him up, and Bob reverses with a handful of tights for the pin at 5:14 shown. This was a really good match!
Back at the studio, Pat questions whether Bob’s arm is actually as injured as claimed. PLEASE. He’s not a doctor.
Back from the break to wrap things up, as apparently Dr. Jerry Graham is our special guest next week. Well there’s a deep cut.
British Bulldogs squashing guys and HIGH TEA with Moondog Spot makes this one an easy win.