The SmarK Rant for Jerry Lawler’s Classic Memphis Wrestling – 06.29.19
I’m running out of these, because apparently Lawler only posted a dozen of them and then stopped, which makes me sad. But I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.
We appear to be in 1987 again judging by the opening montage, which is fine by me.
Your hosts are Lance Russell & Dave Brown
Hector Guerrero and Manny Fernandez stop by the desk to start, and they’re in the mood to PARTY. It’s the anniversary of the Alamo, so I guess it’s March 6 1987? I thought Manny was still in Crockett for a while yet, though. Anyway, Hector is celebrating the slaughter of all the Texans while Dave Brown is just cracking up in the background (“Do you know why the Mexicans brought 2000 soldiers? Because they only had 5 cars.”) and then they decide to grab a fan from the audience and offer her the chance to bite a real Mexican chili pepper. Manny is disgusted by the cowardice of the Memphis fans, but then they find another woman who is brave enough to try, although she spits it out immediately. Lance is increasingly annoyed by their antics and demands they go celebrate in the ring instead, but Manny points out that there’s no one for them to fight. However, this brings out The Nasty Boys to give it a try.
The Nasty Boys v. Hector Guerrero & Manny Fernandez
Knobbs quickly backdrops Manny out of the corner, but gets double-teamed in the Mexican corner before dodging an elbow and making the hot tag to Sags. Clothesline on Hector gets two, but Manny makes the save and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, at which point Manny hits Sags with a flying burrito behind the ref’s back and Hector gets the pin at 3:00. OK, so according to Cagematch, Fernandez and Guerrero were a team in late 87, so this is around November. So I’m not sure what anniversary they were celebrating.
Back at the desk, Bill Dundee charges in to attack the Mexican Connection, but they rub the hot pepper in his eye to subdue him while Lance disgustedly calls them a couple of “He-Men” for beating someone up 2-on-1. While still wearing Hector’s party hat!
Back from the break and we’re jumping around again, this time back to October 1987 because it’s during the week when Hector and Dr. D were AWA tag team champions. And indeed, it’s time for HECTOR’S HAIR CREAM! So yeah, Hector is shilling his patented hair removal cream, which is guaranteed to remove any hair, even from the “wetback chicken skins” at home watching. So Dr. D is gonna wrestle a jobber, and if the guy loses, Hector will demonstrate the hair cream on him. Because Hector is Mexico’s avenging angel after America stole Texas!
Dr. D v. Jim Jamison
Dr. D is of course not the more famous one, but a masked guy who didn’t last long in the business. D gets a slam on Jamison and drops an elbow while Hector promises that you just have to send $30 to “whatever station you’re watching on” and 127 days later, you’ll get the patented cream. So D chokes the guy on the ropes and Hector goes over and rubs the cream in his eyes for the DQ at 1:00.
We take a break and return with Hector getting a match next, and he’s all excited because the jobber has really nice hair.
Hector Guerrero v. John Paul
So before the match, Jerry Lawler brings out the jobber from the last match, who now has a giant bald spot on his head from the cream. Well he said it would work! He wasn’t lying! Lawler makes it clear: If Hector tries to put that crap in his hair, he’ll kill Hector. Hector keeps shilling the hair cream without missing a beat, barely taking a breath. SEND CASH ONLY! NO MONEY ORDERS! And then Lawler storms out again, and pulls a GUN on Hector! Hector runs off in terror, at which point Jerry reveals that it’s an “89 cent toy” for the punchline. Yeah, that gag would not happen these days. Hector immediately freaks out on Lance, declaring that it’s “Un-American” to pull that kind of stunt. Poor John Paul has just been standing in the ring waiting for his match during all this craziness and never gets it. Hector Guerrero was the BEST here, a crazed combination of Roddy Piper and Eddie Guerrero, and this was classic stuff.
Billy Travis & Jeff Jarrett v. Rough & Ready
Travis beats on Ready in the corner and then lets Rough tag in before suplexing him and adding a backdrop. Atomic drop into the babyface corner and Travis slugs him down and drops an elbow, and then finally brings in Jeff Jarrett for a dropkick to finish at 3:00. Once again, it constantly amazes me that JJ was one of the great babyfaces in Memphis for so long and then turned heel once he got to the national stage and no one ever let him do his babyface act again. On the way out of the ring, our heroes get into a yelling and shoving match with the Rock N Roll RPMs in the kind of disorganized chaos that you would never see on current WWE TV, and we cut to a video of the RPMs trying to screw the Nasty Boys out of a win. Jeff Jarrett of course adds his own interference and the Nasties win the Southern tag team titles. That places this one at October 10 87 by the way.
Boxing Match: Jerry Lawler v. Ronald P. Gossett
Gossett is seconded by The Master of Pain, so we’re into 1989 for this one. Lawler casually slugs away on Gossett and toys with him while we get an inset promo from Master of Pain, who sounds like a typical Texan biker. The joke is of course that Gossett is a 400 pound manager who claims to be a world class boxer, so Lawler calls his bluff here. Round 1 ends with nothing happening. Round 2 sees Lawler continuing the abuse, so Master of Pain runs in for the DQ and the heels double on Lawler until young Dustin Rhodes and some jobbers make the save. This was building to a boxing match between Gossett and Jackie Fargo at the Mid-South Coliseum, by the way.
More from Hector Guerrero on a different November 87 show, as he has written a song for all the chicken skins in the audience and gets Lance to hold up his lyrics sheet (but hopefully not steal the lyrics like AMERICA STOLE TEXAS FROM MEXICO!). I just can’t even do this justice, it’s amazing. Of course, the theme of the song is once again about how Mexico won the Battle of the Alamo and America are a bunch of thieves.
Time for Hector Guerrero at Christmas, as he explains the tradition of the Pinata, and how they have “more letters in our language than you gringos do, because we’re more sophisticated”. Hector offers Lance, who is Hector’s favorite gringo you know, the chance to break the pinata as again poor Dave Brown is dying in the background. Lance is understandably nervous about being blindfolded but Hector assures him that there’s nothing but delicious candy for all the kids and he’s got nothing to worry about. So of course Hector just messes with him and doesn’t actually hold up the pinata where he can get at it, and then finally reveals that it’s filled with flour, which gets dumped all over poor Lance. Judging by Hector’s promos I’d be skeptical that it wasn’t another white powder in there.
Anyway, basically a whole episode of Hector Guerrero cutting promos like a madman in Memphis in 1987, which makes this 100% awesome. The hair cream v. gun angle in particular was a highlight back in the day when I’d watch this stuff on Pro Wrestling This Week.