The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 01.08.20
Live from Southaven, MS
Your hosts are Jim Ross, Tony Schiavone, Excalibur, and DAVE BROWN. “If only Lance was here too,” notes JR. Yup.
Hangman Page & Kenny Omega v. Private Party
This is of course stemming from last week’s confrontation at the bar where Page stole their booze while wearing a flowery cowboy shirt. Page works a wristlock to start on Quen while either TNT or TSN has to mute the crowd chanting “Cowboy Shit”. They trade some gymnastics and Page does a little cowboy dance to show his stuff, but Quen dropkicks him into the corner and Kassidy comes in with a double stomp to the chest for two. The Party double-teams him in their corner, but Page makes his own comeback and suplexes Quen onto Kassidy, then brings in Kenny for some chops on Kassidy. His little shrieks of pain at each one are great. Page and Omega high-fiving all the time can’t bode well for Omega. Page comes in and cleans house on the Party by himself, but Kassidy takes Page to the floor and tries a springboard on Kenny, who counters him with a chop. So Kassidy slingshots in with a flatliner and makes the hot tag to Quen. He tosses Kenny and hits both Kenny and Hangman with dives, then bounces back over and hits a second dive on Omega with a Fosbury flop. Back in for a 450 that gets two. Page comes in and Kassidy catches him with a C4 for two, but Kenny saves. Kassidy springboards at Page and gets booted out of the air, and then Quen tries a high cross and gets caught and slammed. Back to Kenny and they hit splashes on Quen in the corner, into a german suplex from Page and then a powerbomb on Quen. He bails to escape and Omega hits a knee strike on Kassidy for two. Quen breaks up the V-Trigger onto Kassidy, so Kenny gives Quen a snapdragon. Kassidy takes out the knee and follows with the Silly String DDT for two. Quen misses a shooting star press and it’s back to Hangman and he nearly hits Kenny with the buckshot lariat AGAIN, but he puts the brakes on this time and then takes it out on Quen instead with a lariat for two. See? ALL IS WELL. They set up a Doomsday Device on Quen, but Kassidy saves with a dropkick and they hit Omega with the Gin & Juice for two, with Page barely saving. Page puts Kassidy out with a lariat, but Omega accidentally tosses Quen into Page for a backflip kick. Page recovers and they both hit Quen with lariats at the same time, and the One Winged Angel finishes at 12:24. Good strong match with a good strong finish. ***3/4
Meanwhile, Pac is busy brutalizing Michael Nakazawa in the dressing room, so Page sends Omega off to the back to take care of business. And then he stops to share a beer at ringside.
AEW Women’s title: Riho v. Kris Statlander
Brandi Rhodes isn’t buying Statlander’s alien story on commentary, pointing out that she’s just a woman in facepaint. What a buzzkill. Also, Brandi complains that Excalibur looks stupid wearing his mask all the time and wonders if he takes it off to shower. He does, by the way. Man, she better not watch the Mandalorian then. It’ll really trigger her. Riho quickly tries the 619, but Statlander blocks it and tries a TKO, then turns it into a backbreaker to take over as we take a break. Also, for those who asked, TSN does do the PIP commercials, but they annoy me so I just FFD through them. Back with Riho going up and getting caught with a superplex by Statlander while the Welfare Queen and her bald friend join us at ringside. Statlander throws forearms and a big boot to put Riho on the apron. Mel, the bald one, yanks Riho out of the ring and tosses her into the railing, but Kris hits Mel with a dive while Brandi sadly leaves commentary, thus robbing us of her bitchy opinions on everything. Brandi and Statlander argue on the floor, and we get yet another debut from some weird guy we don’t know. Apparently this one is “death match legend Luther”. I’ll take their word for it. This is enough of a distraction that Riho is able to go up with a double stomp, but it misses and Statlander gets a press slam. Riho reverses that into a crucifix bomb for two, but Statlander gets a lariat and the sitout slam for two. She goes for the piledriver, but inexplicably stands near the apron and Kong trips her up, allowing Riho to get the cheap pin to retain at 10:00. Too much bullshit and lady gaga here. *1/2 The Nightmare guys attack afterwards, but Shida saves from the audience. This all died a death and “Good match is ruined by creepy fucker that no one has ever heard of” is becoming an all too common meme for AEW. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT BRANDI’S DARK ORDER. THIS IS NEVER GOING TO BE A THING.
Christopher Daniels v. Sammy Guevara
Daniels works the arm to start but Sammy runs him into the corner to break. Daniels gets the chops in the corner, but Sammy pulls the ref into the way and hits a jumping double stomp to take over. Sammy chokes away on the ropes and adds a Fargo strut. To the top after a hook kick, but he misses the 450 and Daniels gets an exploder to come back. They slug it out and Daniels gets the Blue Thunder Bomb for two. Angels Wings is reversed into a standing shooting star for two by Sammy. Backslide gets two for Daniels, but Sammy rolls through for two. They fight to the top and Daniels brings him down and hits an STO, but Pentagon interrupts and wants Daniels to show him that he can do a moonsault without fucking it up. And Sammy gets a head kick off the distraction for the pin at 5:55. Well that was a shit finish. This is why they need to actually do DQs sometimes and get it out of their system. ** So afterwards, the Dark Order comes out to recruit Daniels, as Evil Uno points out that the AEW fans don’t believe in Daniels anymore…but he does. So Daniels just has to wear the mask, but he refuses and gets jumped by the geeks. Luckily, SCU and the Bucks make the save before this fearsome collection of people who literally couldn’t win a match to save their lives do any more damage. Oh no, it’s Alex Reynolds! Daniels moonsaults him to apparently get his moonsaulting mojo back and hopefully end this storyline.
The Lucha Brothers v. Cody & Dustin Rhodes
Pentagon gets in Cody’s face and gets punched down, and Cody tries for the quick finish but then brings in Dustin. This leads to a stalemate on both sides as JR once again stresses that the Rhodes are “real brothers, not wrestling brothers.” Half brothers, Jim. Brothers from different mothers. Cody superkicks Pentagon and Dustin gets a clothesline, but goes to the apron and gets kicked to the floor and hit with a dive by Fenix, into a flying stomp from Pentagon back in the ring. Back with Dustin fighting back on Pentagon and slugging out of the corner. Fenix grabs a chair, but AA kicks it out of his hands to get rid of it, and Dustin comes back with a spinebuster on Fenix. Hot tag Cody and he cleans house and powerslams Fenix, then hits Penta with a dive. Back in, big boot on Fenix and he slugs away in the corner to set up the Crossroads, but Fenix reverses out and hits a hook kick into a cutter. Fenix is amazing. They set up for the package piledriver, but Dustin breaks it up and takes a missile dropkick as a result. Penta with the Penta Driver on Cody, but Dustin recovers and hits the Final Cut on Fenix for the pin at 10:17. Man, they gotta stop jobbing the Lucha Brothers all the damn time. This was fun and energetic but the Luchas are so clearly the best team in the promotion right now and they can’t buy a win. *** So Tony joins us in the ring to interview Cody and ask if he accepts all of MJF’s bullshit stipulations, but Arn interrupts and is unaware of anyone dying and making MJF God. So they’re gonna talk about it and get back to Tony with an answer later. Lot of that going around lately.
Meanwhile, Leaping Lanny Poffo stops by to plug his appearance on Dark next week.
MJF joins us and actually starts his promo during the commercial break, and he’s pretty sure Cody is a coward. But he’s a nice guy, so he’ll give Cody a count of ten to come out and face him like a man. This of course does not happen, but DDP does answer. Which leads to a “Yoga” chant from the crowd. So he cuts his promo while MJF stands there in the corner playing on his phone. Page’s Twitter and Insta have been blowing up because the people want him to return for one more match. MJF is pretty sure DDP couldn’t hold his jock with his arthritic hands, but THE BUTCHER! AND THE BLADE! AND THE BUNNY! are more than happy to do so. So MJF reminds him that WCW is dead, just like Page’s fanbase, so Dallas can kiss the ring and leave alive. Or else MJF will apparently rape his daughter. So Page chooses to hit everyone with Diamond Cutters until MJF kicks him in the nuts. And Dustin makes the save. Ending kind of petered out there.
The Jurassic Express v. Best Friends & Orange Cassidy
I sense this will be wacky and some people will dislike it strongly no matter what. Chucky trades wristlocks with Jungle Boy, but JB dropkicks him out of the ring and brings Marko in. So Marko gets all pumped up, but Trent casually shoves him down again. Marko leaps into a headlock and takes Trent down with a rana, but Trent boots him down and Marko runs away and lets Jungle Boy come back in. A brawl is teased but we take a break first. Back with Chucky hitting a falcon arrow on Jungle Boy, but luckily Marko saves because NO ONE KICKS OUT OF THE FALCON ARROW. Luchasaurus gets a hot tag and cleans house with kicks. Luckily Orange Cassidy tags in to take of things, and the crowd chants HOLY SHIT before they even lock up. Lucha takes the kicks, but Orange gets the stunner and puts him on the floor for the pockets dive. Back in for the three-way hug and they hit a double-team spear on Jungle, into the world’s laziest splash from Orange for two. Marko saves and manages to defy physics with a Canadian Destroyer on Trent, and then gets tossed onto the Friends outside. Back in, JB gets the RANA OF DOOM on Taylor and pins him at 10:20. This was fun and I was entertained and laughed a lot, so it’s a win from here. ***
Next week: DDP returns to the ring in a six man against MJF AND THE BUTCHER! AND THE BLADE! AND THE BUNNY!
Main event interview: Jon Moxley is here to give his answer to LE CHAMPION. Sammy does his Subterranean Homesick Blues in the break beforehand, by the way. Jericho has a whole section of town cordoned off for the after-party, and none of the crowd is invited. But Moxley can’t be bought, but he does want to be the best, so he says YES. And he’s got the shirt and everything. Jericho of course crows about the victory and they pop open a little bit of the bubbly to celebrate. But Mox still wants the car, even though he can’t be bought. So Chris hands over the keys, and namedrops WRESTLE KINGDOM. But Moxley forgot one last thing: He was just kidding and would never join their stupid group, because the only thing he wants is the AEW title, and LE CHAMPION takes a little bit of the bubbly off the head as Moxley turns on him, steals the car keys and leaves to end the show.
Wait, what happened to the tribute to Memphis legends? Wasn’t that supposed to be a thing?
Anyway, this was pretty hit or miss this week, mostly miss, but it was a strong angle to end the show and firmly put us towards LE CHAMPION v. Moxley at the PPV, and that’s what counts.