The SmarK Rant for WWE Friday Night Smackdown – 12.20.19
Live from Brooklyn NY
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves
Daniel Bryan joins us to start, telling the tale of what happened with the Fiend. So not only did Bray Wyatt take his hair and beard, but also the Daniel Bryan brand, because his daughter saw him without the facial hair for the first time, and she CRIED. But Daniel saw something different, the guy who never main evented Wrestlemania and had to fight for everything. So if Bray Wyatt can’t feel pain, perhaps he should come out and be proven wrong. But instead the Miz, who clearly very much can feel pain, answers the challenge, whining about protecting his family from evil puppets. And then King Corbin interrupts and calls them both failures as fathers, allowing Dolph Ziggler to attack from behind and lay them out. Sure, yeah, more heat on Corbin, why not. And so tonight there shall be a tag team match, playa.
Meanwhile, Heavy Machinery is still upset about having their ham smashed last week. Otis loves giving gifts! Especially ham! And his heart is the only vulnerable spot on his body. So Mandy Rose stops by and gives him a brand new ham. It’s a Christmas ham miracle!
Heavy Machinery v. The Revival
This is the annual Miracle on 34th Street Fight, with the babyfaces dressed like Santa. Everyone slugs it out to start and Heavy Machinery clears the ring, but the Revival regroups and slams Tucker off the table. However, the ham does not suffer any damage, in case you were worried about it. Dash viciously shoves cookies in Otis’s mouth, but he somehow regroups from that and puts Dash onto a table. Sadly, he takes forever stripping off his Santa jacket for dramatic effect, and the Revival regroup and powerbomb him through the table. We take a break and return with Dawson suplexing Tucker on the ramp. And then Dash opens a present early and finds just what he wanted: A bowling ball. Tucker takes it off the knee but sells his groin instead, and the Revival go to work in the ring. Dash accidentally runs into a Christmas tree in the corner, but Tucker gets tossed and thrown into the announce table. And then, in a horrifying spot, the ham gets wrecked for a second week in a row. THE HAM HAS A FAMILY! It’s a package of bacon in my fridge! The loss of ham of course motivates Otis to make a comeback, but then he stops and goes to find a bag of Lego under the ring, and poor Dawson gets slammed on them. That’s legit a terrifying spot. Dash tries to run away and he gets the business end of the Lego pile as well, leading to Otis hitting the Caterpiller on Dawson and compacter to finish at 12:11. I actually think they could have went even wackier with this one, because aside from Otis and his unnatural love affair with a baked ham this was pretty subdued silliness. **1/2
Meanwhile, Otis and his ham meet up with Mandy again, and Otis regrets bringing the ham to ringside because of the damage caused to it, but Mandy hugs him in sympathy. And then gets covered in the meat sweats.
Back in the ring, the Revival are bitching about being stuck in stupid gimmick matches week after week, but Elias interrupts. This week’s song suggests that the Revival should get a sex change.
Meanwhile, Sami Zayn runs into Braun Strowman and wants to take part in Secret Santa, but Braun is offended that Sami would desecrate the “secret” in “Secret Santa”. Braun really wants a shot at the IC title, but GOSH, SHUCKS, Nakamura is already booked in a tag match tonight.
Carmella v. Sonya Deville
The storyline for this match is that both women kind of suck and have been a losing streak lately. Sonya gets the sliding knee and chokes her down in the corner, but Carmella comes back with superkicks, her one move, and hits a Flatliner of sorts into the Cone of Silence to finish at 1:32. Good thing Sonya has all that MMA training while she’s tapping out in 90 seconds to Carmella. DUD
Sheamus is still coming back at some point in the future.
The New Day v. Nakamura & Cesaro
Cesaro gets a gut wrench slam on Kofi for two and works a neck vice, but Big E comes in and throws Nakamura around before following with a big splash. Uranage out of the corner gets two, but Cesaro saves, so Kofi puts him on the floor and follows with the dive. However, the heels get the heat on Big E as SMACKDOWN ROLLS ON. Back with Nakamura cutting off the tag to Kofi and setting up for the Kinshasa, but E hits him with a clothesline and makes the hot tag to Kofi. Double stomp on Cesaro gets two to set up the Boom Drop, but Cesaro comes back with the Swiss uppercut. Big E puts Cesaro on the floor and sends Kofi onto both heels. Back in, Kofi with a frog splash crossbody for two on Cesaro, but Nakamura runs interference and it’s the GIANT SWING. That gets two. Kofi flips out of the Neutralizer, however, and cradles for the pin at 11:15. I don’t really get why it’s a non-title match if the champions are winning anyway. Just defend the titles, you cowards! The heels do the beatdown afterwards, but Braun storms the ring afterwards in the name of keeping Secret Santa a secret and cleans house on them. This was fine tag team wrestling from two fine tag teams. ***
Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan and the Miz establish that they’re WACKY TAG TEAM PARTNERS WHO HATE EACH OTHER!
Bayley v. Dana Brooke
This was set up by a particularly spicy tweet from Dana Brooke on the social medias. After Bayley already beat her in a minute last week. Bayley takes her down to start and gets two, but Dana does some cartwheels to come back. So Bayley stomps her down in the corner for two and follows with a suplex for two. Bayley chokes her out and goes to a chinlock, but Dana comes back with an enzuigiri and goes up with a very tentative swanton for two. She follows with a handspring elbow and Dana makes her comeback for the dead crowd, and a splash gets two. Thankfully Bayley drops her on the top turnbuckle and pins her at 4:05. Good god this women’s division sucks. ¼* Sasha and Bayley go all mean girl on Dana, so Lacey Evans makes the save and wants an impromptu match with Sasha Banks.
Lacey Evans v. Sasha Banks
Oh goodie, more of this storyline. Lacey attacks in the corner, but Sasha hits her with the double knees for two and then chokes her out in the corner. Sasha with a suplex for two and another double knee for two. More choking, no one cares about any of this. They fight to the apron and Lacey dropkicks her to the floor and then scares of Bayley, but Sasha sends her into the railing to take over again. And then they both just get counted out at 4:00. Shitty match with a terrible finish and a dead crowd. -* Was “double countout finish” trending on Twitter and they decided it’d be a great idea to bring them back or something lately? I don’t know what’s worse, Sasha with her boo-boo jobbing face or Sasha sleepwalking through a match where she doesn’t give a shit.
Daniel Bryan & The Miz v. Dolph Ziggler & King Corbin
Miz and Bryan hit the heels with stereo kicks to chase them out of the ring and we take a break. Back with the heels in control, but Bryan makes the comeback on Corbin before walking into the Deep Six Fryer for two. Ziggler drops an elbow for two and Corbin goes to work in the corner while the Miz awaits the hot tag. If the Miz is your hot tag guy, you’re screwed. Might as well just forfeit the match. So Miz gets the hot tag and does his usual stuff on Ziggler, because there’s nothing like Miz v. Ziggler to fire up the crowd. Skull Crushing Finale on Corbin, but Ziggler cuts him off with the Zig Zag for two. Miz comes back with the figure-four and Dolph submits at 10:24. Meh. *1/2 So apparently next week it’s Baron Corbin v. Daniel Bryan v. The Miz for the shot at the Fiend at Royal Rumble. Why is the Miz even in there? He got squashed by children’s show host Bray Wyatt just last week!
And then the show goes off the air a few minutes early. Even the show itself wants to get the hell out of there and go on vacation.
The Otis stuff was fun, but the rest was your typical pre-Christmas slog.