The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 06.12.95

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 06.12.95

For those keeping track of the news at the time in the Observer like me, this would be the week where WCW announced that they were going live in August with a new show on Monday nights in what was considered a suicide mission by most people.  Perhaps they hadn’t seen this week’s show.

Taped from Struthers, OH

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Duane Gill

Bigelow’s babyface outfit is just ridiculous, with brightly colored flames now and superhero boots.  Gill actually pounds away for a bit, and goes up and gets caught.  Diving headbutt finishes at 2:30.

WAYLON MERCY is reflecting on nature, and he’s gonna smash any wrestlers that crawl on him, much like a worm on his arm.  Know what he means?  This character was ridiculously far ahead of its time, and it’s still a shame that Dan Spivey’s body couldn’t hold up.

Meanwhile, the Smoking Gunns play with Pogs.  The WWF is back…IN POG FORM!

Kama v. David Haskins

So this is the start of the “emo hipsters at ringside” angle building to the Undertaker feud, as there was two Velvet Underground fans that followed Kama around and just sat there looking creepy.  This led exactly NOWHERE.  I mean, Kama already stole the urn and melted it down, the angle was done.  Kama pounds away in the corner and finishes with a Rock Bottom at 2:00.  This angle was death.  Pun intended.

King of the Ring Report with Todd.  Nothing here.  Here’s Meltzer’s take on the rumors at the time:  “For whatever reason, the rumors floating around are that either Mabel or Roadie will win King of the Ring, with Mabel rumor having the most talk. While either one would qualify as a surprise, the idea of booking is to build to things that will make money and not to simply fool the public. Neither of these guys is going to draw money and Michaels is the one with potential to draw money. If Mabel wins, Shawn has to lose in the semis to him. If Roadie is to win, either Shawn or Undertaker can go to the finals. They were already pushing on television this weekend the idea that there is dissension between Roadie and Jarrett.”

Come on, Dave, when would they ever book something so fucking stupid just to mess with people?  That’s crazy talk.  Stop talking crazy.

Meanwhile, Yokozuna eats rice to prepare for his match tonight.

Man Mountain Rock v. Bob Cook

Before Cook can even unleash his awesome left hand, Rock takes him down and finishes with the arm bar (called “The Whammy Bar” by Vince) at 0:55.  SEE, HE PLAYS THE GUITAR!  IT’S A PUN!  GET IT?  GET IT?!?

Meanwhile, Mr. Bob Backlund rages against the machine, and Man Mountain Rock’s guitar playing in particular.  I wonder if he read that the crawling stone mystery has actually been solved?

Tekno Team 2000 v. Mike Khoury & John Crystal

FUCK ME it’s Tekno Team 2000.  So, and here’s one to wrap your head around, Chris Benoit got a pair of tryouts at these tapings, doing a **** match with Owen Hart and a ***1/2 match with Adam Bomb, but ERIK WATTS got the job.  See they’re “Troy” and “Travis”, and I don’t even know what the deal with this was supposed to be.  Are they from the future like the New Breed was?  Say what you will but at least those guys committed to the bit.  These two goofs don’t even get last names.  Speaking of goofs, Crystal and Khoury are actually wearing matching cut-off jean shorts as this may be the worst congregation of bad ideas and/or wannabe male strippers I’ve ever seen.  Travis finishes one of the jobbers with a flying bodypress at 3:25.  Mankind as a species should probably YouTube this for the good of the human race so that the mistakes contained therein are never repeated again.  And you know what’s awesome?  Even WWE rips on this as a terrible idea!

Meanwhile, oh, but it gets BETTER.  Because apparently Bob Backlund accidentally broke Man Mountain Rock’s guitar in his previous freakout two segments ago, and Rock is CRYING over it in the dressing room.

King of the Ring Qualifier: Lex Luger v. Yokozuna

OK, Luger doesn’t have a title on the line or Mr. Perfect as the referee, so you’d think he would have no excuse to fuck this one up.  And oh yes, the legendary bullshit continues on this show, as SCOTTY RIGGS is the flagbearer for Luger, and even gets named by Vince on commentary.  How low do you have to sink in your career to take a job as Luger’s flagbearer?  This is a job done by CHILDREN previous to this.  UGLY children from towns unlucky enough to get RAW tapings in 1995, so we’re talking real “chlorine bleach in the gene pool” level kids here.  Luger waves the flag aggressively at Yoko and works the arm as I hope to god we’re not getting a 15:00 Broadway in this one.  Luger slugs away and hits Yoko with the forearm to knock him out of the ring.  Back in, Luger fires away in the corner, but get choked out after some managerial distraction.  Luger is more like CHOKE-A-ZUNA, am I right guys?  HIGH FIVE!  UP HERE!  Too slow.  Obviously it loses something when you can’t see me pulling my hand away at the last second, but take my word for it, it happened.  Probably during the break when tape machines were rolling.  So yeah, back from the break with Luger making the comeback and trying to qualify for a tournament so lame that The Roadie is already a part of it, but sadly poor useless Scotty Anton gets beat up by Mr. Fuji while defending the flag, and Yoko runs Luger into the post in all the chaos and wins by countout at 10:00.  Yes, Luger managed to lose because YOKOZUNA was able to move faster than him.  I like to imagine that immediately after this taping he got a call from Eric Bischoff about a new show WCW was launching in August.  DUD

Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler walks around in fresh horseshit.  Somehow that feels like a metaphor for the promotion at this point.

Next week:   Nothing announced, perhaps because they just assumed that every human being in the US had already turned the show off out of disgust by this point and thus there was literally no one left to advertise to.