The SmarK Rant for WWE Friday Night Smackdown – 12.13.19

The SmarK Rant for WWE Friday Night Smackdown – 12.13.19

Live from Milwaukee, WI

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves

King Corbin joins us and there’s been a lot of talk, probably on the SOCIAL MEDIA, that Roman Reigns will be “unchained” tonight.  I love how this stupid feud can really only be leading to one blowoff, with dog puns and chains, and instead of a logical dog collar match, they’re having a Tables Ladders and Chairs match because it’s that designated time of year.  So Roman will be bowing down to Corbin, and if he dares to show up tonight, bad stuff will happen.  So the New Day interrupts at mention of their name, and Corbin GOES THERE by bringing up Kofi losing the title in 7 seconds.  Kofi did not like the disrespectful treatment of Roman Reigns and he will not stand for it, and slaps Corbin to show his displeasure.  So apparently we got a match tonight.  But will Corbin put up the crown so we can potentially see King Kofi Kingston?  We can only hope.

…oh, wait a second.  Jamaica doesn’t have a King!  That would just be stupid.  Never mind.

Meanwhile, Corbin and Ziggler discover that someone, perhaps someone who is UNCHAINED, has laid out their security force and wrecked the dressing room.

Sonya DeVille & Mandy Rose v. Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross

Fire & Desire attack during the backstage interview of the babyfaces and they brawl into the ring, as this eyelash deal has lit a fire under all of them.  My wife, watching with me tonight, comments that pulling off the eyelashes is the lowest thing you can do, like messing up someone’s eyebrow makeup.  Sonya works on Cross with a sliding knee for two, and Mandy gets her own kneelift for two, but Alexa pulls out Mandy and Nikki finishes Sonya with a neckbreaker at 1:30.  That’s a pretty disappointing payoff to the eyelash feud.  ¼*

Meanwhile, Heavy Machinery gives Sami Zayn a giant Christmas ham for a secret Santa present, but he’s vegan, so he’s pretty disgusted and insulted.  But then he goes off on a vegan rant and calls Otis an oaf, just in time for Cesaro & Nakamura to come back him up.  And then Cesaro SMASHES THE HAM.  “That poor ham had a family,” deadpans Corey in a funny line.

Team Ali G in Da House v. The Revival

Dash trips coming out of the entrance and everyone cracks up for a bit about it.  Hey, we’re all human.  The Revival quickly double-teams Gable on the floor and faceplants him into the table, and back in for two.  Gable fights back with a german suplex on Dawson, but Dash cuts off the tag and G rolls him up for two.  Another rollup gets two, but Wilder cuts off his comeback with a backbreaker and the Revival try some kind of Doomsday Device that goes sideways on everyone, and we take a break.  Back with Gable missing a moonsault, but Ali comes in with a double-stomp / suplex combo on Dawson for two.  Dawson with a powerbomb on Gable for two.  Gable with a Chaos Theory, but Dash breaks it up with a flying splash, and then Ali hits him with a 450 to break THAT up.  Gable makes the hot tag to Ali, who promptly walks into the Shatter Machine like a doofus for the pin at 9:00.  They just keep booking Ali & Gable like such geeks, and I don’t even get why they bothered repackaging Gable.  **1/2

Meanwhile, Bayley is unimpressed with Lacey Evans and the rest of the lazy division, but Elias accidentally interrupts with an ill-timed guitar chord.  So he gives her a Secret Santa present in the form of a song about how she looks like a dude with her new haircut and thus he no longer wants a threesome with Bayley and Sasha as a result.  That’s not a very seasonally appropriate song.  Anyway, this sets up a Bayley v. Dana Brooke match NEXT.  Lucky us.  Dana is apparently a babyface because she’s hanging out with Elias as his side-piece while she lusts after Batista’s dick pics.

Bayley v. Dana Brooke

Bayley gets a clothesline for two and goes to the chinlock as we learn that Bayley is a “non-accountability taking nasty” in the transcribed words of Lacey Evans.  THEM’S FIGHTING WORDS!  I think?  I’ll assume so.  Dana gets a few rollups on Bayley, but she kicks out the knee and hits a Stroke for the pin at 2:00.  This was pretty bad.  DUD

Meanwhile, Sheamus is still on his way back at some indeterminate point, with hair again this time.  Hopefully with a new spine, too, because otherwise he won’t be back for long.

Meanwhile, the Miz sits down with Renee Young at his home to discuss the Bray Wyatt situation and how he loves his family, but then Bray Wyatt hijacks Maryse’s iPad with an evil video of the puppets invading his baby’s crib and leaving an EVIL DOLL.

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No, not that one.  Anyway, hopefully they have Applecare on that iPad.  Exorcisms should be covered within the first year of warranty.

So we head back to the Fun House, as Bray promises to teach Miz not to feel pain anymore.  Also, Marine 5 was great.

What even is this feud?

Meanwhile, more helpless security guards who are just doing their job have fallen victim to ROMAN UNCHAINED.

Heavy Machinery v. Cesaro & Shinsuke Nakamura

Tucker gets a dropkick on Cesaro and follows with a crossbody.  Over to Otis, who overpowers Nakamura and elbows him down for two. Tucker comes in with a senton off the top, hitting both of Team Zayn, and we take a break as Smackdown ROLLS ON!  Back with the vegans working Tucker over in their corner, as Nakamura gets a running knee for two.  Tucker fights back with a Thesz Press while Corey gets a funny line about how there’s lot of people in Milwaukee “with fathers and uncles that are the same people, but that doesn’t make them right”.  Even Cole can’t help but cracking up at that one.  Hot tag Otis and he runs wild, but Team Anti-Ham double-team him and Nakamura tries the Kinshasa.  Otis catches him and tosses him, and Cesaro takes the Caterpillar, but Zayn interferes and Nakamura finishes Tucker with the Kinshasa at 9:46.  So they avenge their ham.  Good for them?  Not much to this one, but Heavy Machinery still manages to lose yet again.  **1/2

King Corbin v. Kofi Kingston

We’ve got half an hour left in the show and it’s already the main event?  They couldn’t find another stupid midcard feud to stretch out this show more?  Kofi gets laid out on the floor early on and SMACKDOWN ROLLS ON.  Back with Corbin working him over while Ziggler puts the badmouth on him.  Corbin runs him into the post for two and then cuts off a springboard attempt with a forearm, but Kofi fights back and then Corbin cuts him off again with a back elbow for two.  Kofi fights back and reverses the Dine & Dash for two, then takes him down with a rana and hits the Boom Drop.  Dolph takes the ref and gets thrown out of the match as a result, but then he won’t leave and everyone fights on the floor for the shitty double DQ at 10:00.  But Big E wants a TAG TEAM MATCH, PLAYA.  So I guess we’ll carry on after the break.

The New Day v. Dolph Ziggler & King Corbin

So we return with the heels working Big E over as Cole addresses the rumors that Roman Reigns might be somewhere here in Milwaukee.  What, you mean the star of the show might be in the city where the show is taking place?  COME ON.  That can’t be true!  Kofi gets a hot tag and runs wild on Ziggler, but Corbin cuts him off and Ziggler throws in a pair of handcuffs for ANOTHER DQ at 2:35 aired.  So they couldn’t even deliver a finish on the advertised match, and then did ANOTHER screwjob finish on the impromptu tag match as well?  So then Kofi gets chained up on the post and beaten by the two white guys, and that’s not a great look unless you’re Jim Cornette, but thankfully Roman Reigns makes the save before we can further recreate any racially troublesome scenes from Roots.  Although to be fair, Kunta Kinte did not have dog food dumped on him at least.  Roman gets the dog food and looks to get revenge, but Ziggler and the Revival cut him off and try to put him through a table.  But then Roman chokeslams Ziggler through the table instead and we’re out.  It’s like * for the entire thing.

Well this didn’t do anything to build up much for TLC outside of the Roman-Corbin match, which unfortunately dominated the entire show.  But it already had the go-home heat last week with the dog food thing.  They didn’t NEED to do another show-long angle to sell it.  We wanted to see Corbin get beat up, it was already accomplished.  Like, is Bayley defending the Women’s title?  No idea.  Maybe they should have done something there.  It’s great the Revival won, but why is it a ladder match on Sunday?

Another shitty effort two weeks in a row, complete with a feud over Christmas ham and another one over eyelashes.  Plus whatever Miz-Wyatt is supposed to be.

See you on Sunday, I guess.