The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 12.11.19
Live from Garland, TX. I thought it was Dallas but I guess it’s different.
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Excalibur & Jim Ross
Hey, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my little brother, who is in fact 40 years old, so…you know…I’m old as fuck. What can ya do.
Jon Moxley joins us to start and sets a new speed record for AEW by beating Alex Reynolds in 10 seconds with the DDT. This brings out LE CHAMPION and his Inner Circle, and Jericho tries to talk very calmly to Moxley to keep from freaking him out. So Chris relates a story about Jon coming to him looking for advice “with his leather jacket and Kurt Cobain bowl haircut”, looking to get over. And then years later he helped Moxley escape the WWE waters and navigated him to AEW. And sure, Moxley laid him out at Double or Nothing, but Chris respects that kind of moxie and gumption. So Jericho officially offers him a spot in the Inner Circle, and even gives him some time to think it over during the holidays and give his answer once he’s ready. But not here in Dallas for the moron fans. Later. And he even gets his own t-shirt as a part of the deal! I bet if he threw in a little bit of the bubbly, he’d have it sewn up.
The Young Bucks are featured in a video about tonight’s Texas Street Fight, with clips from PWG to show how crazy they can get.
THE BUTCHER! …AND THE BLADE! …AND THE BUNNY! v. Cody Rhodes & QT Marshall
I feel like maybe this team would have been better suited to doing a Gangs of New York riff rather than whatever they’re doing now. Butcher’s already got that old-timey Daniel Day Lewis thing going. Come to think of it, that was the Butcher as well so maybe that’s what he’s going for already. MJF does an inset promo during the entrance where he reveals that he indeed was the one who paid THE BUTCHER AND THE BLADE AND THE BUNNY to attack Cody, and picked QT the job guy as Cody’s partner. Cody starts with the Blade and slugs away in the corner as we lose the picture for a few seconds. Wouldn’t be AEW with a technical screwup once per week. Over to the Butcher and QT comes in, but immediately gets distracted by the Bunny and Blade hits him with a dive as we lose the picture again and take a break. Back with QT on the floor and Blade beating on him, but QT fights back with the enzuigiri and dodges the Butcher, who then takes out Cody and prevents the hot tag. Butcher with a backdrop for two, and he goes to a top wristlock, but QT comes back with a handspring enzuigiri out of nowhere. Where did THAT come from? Blade misses a charge and it’s HOT TAG Cody, who runs wild and knocks Blade off the apron with the disaster kick, and moonsaults Butcher for two. Springboard into a cutter gets two and he tries a figure-four, but Blade fights out of it and Bunny rakes Cody’s eyes. QT tags himself in again and hits both heels with an ugly but effective dive, and back in the ring he hits the Blade with his own version of Crossroads. QT goes up with a top rope senton for two, but Butcher takes out Cody and QT is all alone. So he fights them off, but walks into a stunner from the Blade, and Butcher suplexes QT onto Blade’s knees for the pin at 10:31. I was skeptical but this was a really fun match. ***1/2 We don’t need another team in the overstuffed division but they looked good and Allie in black leather makes it a net positive.
Darby Allin marches out while Cody contemplates his future on the floor, and offers himself up as Cody’s next partner as we take a break.
MJF joins us as we return, calling in one of the crew geeks to KISS THE RING, as he steals another gimmick from Cody. So he gives the guy another one of his shitty Double Cross-Roads and the crowd is so rabidly against him that they need to be muted for salty language. So then MJF trolls the crowd further by quoting Roddy Piper, and points out that he doesn’t need money, he needs Cody to suffer. Also, he takes issue with being called a “knockoff Chris Jericho”, and points out Cody’s “cat piss blond hair” and “Gary Busey teeth” and THE LISP. And THAT’S what really offends the crowd! They’re fine with MJF saying Cody’s hair looks like a cat pissed on it but he makes a Sylvester the Cat joke and THAT’S when the crowd goes “OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!”? So anyway, MJF agrees to the match with Cody, but he’s got stipulations, although first he makes sure to take a potshot at the Dallas Stars. OUCH. Too soon. This was a WHITE HOT heel interview for MJF and exactly what he needed.
Meanwhile, Alex, the jobber who lost in 10 seconds, is watching TV in his hotel room, and the Dark Order takes over his TV and offers him a chance to stop being such a jobber and maybe win a match once in a while.
Big Swole v. Emi Sakura
Swole has an impressive look but they really really really need to stop introducing new women until they get someone other than Riho over. Swole cartwheels into a delayed kick, but Sakura whips her by the hair to take over. This of course angers Swole, but Sakura takes her down and goofs on her with the rolling surfboard while doing the Freddie Mercury deal. Emi chops her down and continues messing with the hair before throwing chops in the corner, but Swole hits her with a lariat, but walks into a Sister Abigail. Sakura unleashes the back scratches in the corner just to be annoying, but Swole fights back with a headbutt and gets a flatliner and a running forearm for two. Sakura reverses a suplex into a Crossroads and follows with a crossbody into the corner, and a backbreaker. She grabs the mic stand for the abdominal stretch gag, but the ref steals it and Swole gets it for her own lip sync spots. She makes the comeback with a spear and goes to the apron for a springboard, but Sakura cuts her off with a draping DDT of sorts and a Vader bomb for two. Sakura goes up for a moonsault and misses, and Swole comes back again with a big boot for two. Swole with a ripcord lariat, but Swole reverses to a double chop for two. But then Swole gets it on a second try for the pin at 10:40. Swole wasn’t particularly impressive here, but the match was pretty good. ***1/4
Kip Sabian & Shawn Spears v. Kenny Omega & Hangman Page
The announcers are like “Well, we know Page is taking a break from the Elite…” HOW DO WE KNOW THAT? Look, I dedicate two hours a week to this show as it is, I think it’s reasonable that I should be able to get all the story I need from watching it without having to subscribe to YouTube shows as well. My YouTube time is valuable and having to watch supplementary wrestling videos cuts into my Toy Galaxy and Scott the Woz viewing. Page boots Sabian down to start and tosses Spears, and the faces double-team Sabian with chops. But then Page leaves Kenny hanging on a high five. Uh oh. Kenny with a backbreaker and Page comes in and whips Kenny in with an elbow on Sabian, and we take a break. Back with Kenny getting a hot tag after Page got beat up during the commercial, and he dropkicks both heels in the knees and follows with the Krusher to set up a Terminator dive that is broken up by Penelope. This allows Spears to hit a backstabber to take over, and Sabian gets a missile dropkick for two. Sabian puts Kenny on the floor with a rana while Hangman tries to fight back to the corner, but Penelope hits him with a rana on the floor! Omega continues fighting in the ring and Penelope gets involved there with a handspring elbow (still better than Chyna’s!) and Sabian gets a fisherman’s suplex for two. Kenny fights back with the V-Trigger, but Page is still selling on the floor and can’t tag. And then the lights go out, on purpose this time, and after the blackout, Joey Janela appears on the ramp with Tully Blanchard kidnapped and tied up. Probably not the first time that happened to Tully during the 80s after a blackout. Back in the ring, Sabian is alone and Omega makes the comeback with the V-Trigger, but Page tags himself in with the buckshot lariat for the pin at 11:02. Kenny, apparently completely tone deaf and unable to read people, accepts this with good nature and just thinks it’s great to win the match. Oh, you poor dumb bastard. You’re so getting turned on. Match was alright. **
Meanwhile, Brandi Rhodes complains about Britt Baker talking up her boyfriend and Riho disappearing. Also, she apparently loves bald people. OK then. Moving on.
Sammy Guevara v. Luchasaurus
LE CHAMPION takes over commentary duties, kicking out Excalibur for daring to bring up what “Lexicon” actually means, and kicking out Tony because “Skeeavone has been on my case for 20 years”. JR is OK with him, apparently. Also Jake Hager does commentary despite never talking. Jericho: “He’s not a legit dinosaur and you can’t convince me otherwise.” Bold. Sammy comes in slapping and Luchasaurus throws him around and blocks a rana. Sammy escapes and slugs away, but goes up and gets booted to the floor. Luchasaurus slams him on the apron and we take a break. Back with Sammy in control as he goes up with a moonsault, but it misses and Luchasaurus batters him with kicks and Jericho doesn’t know if he likes where it’s going. And Lucha finishes with the pancake powerbomb at 6:00, at which point Jericho and Hager run in for the beatdown, but Jungle Boy makes his own save and gets a visual pin on Jericho after a rana, with Marko Stunt counting the pin. Nothing to the match but they’re doing the Jericho-Jungle storyline perfectly so far. *
AEW Revolution: February 29. I guess they can only do that one every four years. And then the info screen hangs on for an uncomfortably long amount of time before finally cutting to commercial.
Texas Street Fight: The Young Bucks v. Santana & Ortiz
The heels attack during the Bucks’ pose and then slam Brandon Cutler through a table for good measure before hurling Matt Jackson off the ramp and onto some geeks. Nick gets put on a table, but Matt saves and the Bucks give Sammy Guevara an Indytaker on the ramp to get rid of him. They put Ortiz through the table with a swanton off the entrance by Matt, but that only gets two. We head to the ring , where SCU are sitting ringside and eating popcorn. Into the ring and the Bucks double-team Santana, but he escapes and retrieves THE TUBE SOCK OF DOOM to gain the advantage. But then Matt finds a football helmet and makes the save, impervious to their blows due to head protection. Santana spits on what I assume is the helmet of the local high school football team for the cheapest of heat, and then everyone smashes each other through tables as we take a break. Back with Nick splashing a garbage can on top of Ortiz for two, but Hager pulls out the ref to save. Nick accidentally takes out the ref, and then Dustin Rhodes comes out and fights it out with Jake to get rid of him. Back in the ring, Matt powerbombs Ortiz into the corner, and they hit More Bang for Your Buck, but there’s no ref. Gurl Hebner sprints in for two and they set up for the Meltzer, but Nick goes flying through a table to break that up. P&P double-team Matt with a ballshot as Tony goes old school and points out that garbage cans can be very abrasive to the skin. So the heels hit the Street Sweeper on the garbage can (OH THE IRONY!) but Nick pulls out Aubrey to make the save for that. Ortiz beats on Nick with the sock, but Matt saves and puts Santana through another table and the Bucks make the comeback. Double superkick on Ortiz and Nick superkicks a chair into Ortiz’s face to set up the MELTZER DRIVER onto the chairs for the pin at 13:05 and the Bucks are the #1 contenders to the titles next week. This was mostly just a fun trainwreck but not like a super great match or anything. ***1/2 Hopefully this blows it off because Santana & Ortiz are losing steam anyway and it’s time for the Bucks to step up and win the titles so they can be the biggest stars.
NEXT WEEK: All kinds of crazy shit goes down on both shows a week before the Christmas break!
This was more like it, and I had a lot of fun watching and it never dragged. THUMBS UP.