The SmarK Rant for WWE Friday Night Smackdown – 12.06.19
Live from somewhere in North Carolina that’s never specified.
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves
The Miz joins us to start, supposedly with Daniel Bryan as his special guest, but Daniel has disappeared and can’t be here. Miz stresses how much he dislikes Daniel, but he CARES and he’ll use his investigative powers to find him. So basically Bray Wyatt has kidnapped Daniel Bryan and is holding him hostage for the past week, and no one has thought to go looking for him before now? Bray Wyatt interrupts via Firefly Fun House and offers Miz the chance to take Daniel’s place, then reminisces about when he used to have a family (as we get some jump cuts to the Wyatt Family) and then threatens to go after Miz’s family as we go to break and get a commercial for Bray Wyatt t-shirts! I’m pretty sure Miz isn’t buying one, though.
Meanwhile, Miz calls home in a panic and leaves to go be with her. Because the Fiend is apparently going to teleport to California and attack Maryse? I mean, I think she’ll be OK for two hours.
Mandy Rose v. Alexa Bliss
Wait, aren’t they the same person? I just assumed. Bliss sends her to the floor and tries a baseball slide, but it misses and Rose boots her down. We then immediately see a replay of what we just watched literally two seconds before, from the same angle. I really hate that. Back in the ring, Mandy pulls off Alexa’s fake eyelashes. Isn’t that like going for the mask in Mexico? I feel like that should be a DQ. Mandy tries a piledriver, but Bliss rolls her up for two. Rose with the trash talk, but Alexa fights back with a dropkick and goes after Sonya outside. Rose gets a rollup for two, but Alexa goes up with Twisted Bliss for the pin at 4:08. Just a match. *1/2
Meanwhile, Drake Maverick hits on Dana Brooke again backstage, but she’s apparently got a date with Batista. Oh man, Dave actually sent her the dick pics she asked for on Twitter, didn’t he? That dog. Anyway, Elias interrupts and insinuates via song that Drake is only able to jerk off and Elias is fucking his wife. So Drake rightly hauls off and slaps him, and this apparently makes Elias mad. Elias is supposed to be the BABYFACE here, keep in mind.
Drake Maverick heads out to the ring to demand satisfaction from Elias, but the Drifter comes out with Dana and beats up and humiliates Drake, who by the way just had to listen to a song about how he can’t satisfy his wife due to being cuckolded by supposed babyface Elias. And then Elias lays him out with his finish and Dana pins him with one boot. Good lord.
Meanwhile, The Miz is wandering around backstage, but walks into a mysterious room and gets laid out by Bray Wyatt. Oh man, I bet Bray is totally going to go murder Miz’s wife and child now! I’d give them better odds for that happening than someone actually announcing a damn match for TLC.
Lucha House Party v. The Revival v. Heavy Machinery v. Team Ali G In Da House
Winner of this gets the title shot at TLC as they finally do something to build for it with a week to go. Ali trades some gymnastics with Gran Metalik, but Tucker comes in and uses Lince Dorado as a battering ram on everyone else. Otis comes in and gets dropkicked to the floor as the House Party adds a pair of stereo dives, but Dawson hits Dorado with a brainbuster on the floor. Back in the ring, Heavy Machinery hits the finisher on Metallik at 3:30 to eliminate them. We take a break and return with Gable working the arm on Tucker, but he comes back on Dawson and makes a hot tag to Otis. Dawson cuts him off with a boot to the gut, but Otis continues hulking up and convulsing, which sets up the Caterpillar, but Dash rolls him up for the pin at 10:49. So we’re down to Revival against Ali G, and they brawl on the floor, but the Revival goes to beak at the New Day on commentary. This results in the pancakes getting spilled, and we take another break with that cliffhanger. Back with Gable hitting a back suplex on Dawson and then giving them both a double german suplex. This leads to a superkick from Ali into a Gable german suplex and a rollup from Ali on Dash for two. That should have been the finish. Ali blocks a blind charge, but Dash powerslams him for two. Ali with a rollup for two and a tornado DDT, but he tries a dive and gets caught and pitched into the front row. Gable comes in with a moonsault and misses, but gets the anklelock on Dash instead. Dawson breaks it up and the Shatter Machine ends it at 17:44. I’m pretty over the Revival as tag team challengers and/or champions this year and I wish they would have went with someone different. But instead, Ali and Gable job yet again. Match was absolutely nothing until the final portion, when it got pretty good but was too short. We really didn’t need the other two teams in it at all, but gotta fill that TV time. ***
Meanwhile, THE BIG DOG addresses the rumors that King Corbin has vowed to humiliate him tonight, but at TLC, he will be the purveyor of the embarrassment.
Meanwhile, Sheamus is pretty disgusted with what Smackdown has become since he’s gone, and now he’s grown his hair back in and means business. Thank god. About the hair, not the business.
Lacey Evans v. Haley Jones
The enhancement talent appears to be wearing a ringmaster’s outfit for some reason. Lacey finishes her with the punch at 1:04. I guess Lacey is a babyface now. Sure, we’ll go with that. Sasha interrupts and sh’es got BUSINESS with Lacey.
But first we need to take a break.
Back with Sasha jibber-jabbering at Lacey, who is now a mother and a Marine instead of the Sassy Southern Belle, and Lacey gets the punch on Sasha but gets laid out by Bayley. This all sucked.
Earlier tonight, Bray Wyatt attacks The Miz. So they will have a title match at TLC. Yes, THE MIZ is in the main event of this show. Now, apparently it will not be the Fiend defending the title, but specifically Bray Wyatt the wacky children’s show host. At least that should mean we won’t have to deal with the red lights, I hope. But really, THE MIZ?!
Blah blah blah Tribute to the Troops.
Roman Reigns v. Dolph Ziggler
Dolph takes out the knee and goes to an armbar, but Roman takes him to the apron and tries the drive-by. That misses and Ziggler sends him into the stairs to get the heat, and we take a break. Back with Ziggler working on the arm again and getting a sleeper. Roman fights out of that after like three hours and sends Ziggler to the floor, but King Corbin interrupts on his throne and we take another break. Back with both guys laying around the ring, but Ziggler recovers first with a sunset flip for two. Roman comes back with the superman punch for two and AAAAAAAAAWOOOOO, but Ziggler blocks the spear with the Zig Zag for two. Perhaps because Roman went AAAAAAAAWOOOO first and tipped him off. Corbin decides to interfere and yells at the ref, allowing Ziggler a rollup for two, but the spear finishes at 18:45. This was a massive bore. **
So then Roman beats up the geeks who carry Corbin to the ring, but King Corbin attacks him and handcuffs him to the post because Roman literally has no friends on the show to save him or even try. So they beat him and beat him and then dump literal cans of dog food on him for the big heat for their Tables Ladders and Chairs match at TLC. Yes, that’s your main event build. DOG FOOD.
Come on. And people complain I’m too HARD on this show? Fuck right off with that. The next PPV has the kid’s show host against the Miz on top and two dudes fighting over dog food. This shit is WEAK and deserves any and all abuse I heap onto it.