The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 11.12.99

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 11.12.99

No Hidden Gems today, so here’s some ECW instead.

Jason the Sexiest Man Alive meets up with the Impact Players at the arena entrance, and he’s freaking out about Sandman caning everyone and getting drunk.  Lance Storm is like “Screw this, I don’t want to get caned, I’m outta here” but Justin Credible has Rhino’s word that it can be handled, so he stays.

Taped from Dayton, OH

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel Gertner.  And Joey actually lays out the card in advance!  And here I thought Paul was just scribbling stuff on a napkin as it aired.

BREAKING NEWS:  Log onto ECW’s website to see DIGITAL PHOTOS from November 2 Remember.  Hopefully taken with a 0.5 MP camera and uploaded from a SmartMedia 2MB memory card.

Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer does his Raven impression and then bashes his own head into a bathroom stall as he calls out his own tag team partner in a feud that, I remind you, has been building up for months and never pays off.

Steve Corino v. Jerry Lynn

The announcers have a funny discussion about nagging injuries, since Jack Victory has been milking a broken leg since the previous November, and Gertner points out that his own neck problems are also chronic.  This was obviously taped before the PPV because Corino’s hair is still a natural(ish) color and not the fried out bleached blond that debuted at November to Remember.  Anyway, Corino cuts a promo about how he hates whining crybabies like Lynn, especially when he’s been working with a bruised appendix for 9 months.  So they fight on the floor to start, but Jack Victory pops out of the wheelchair and tries to interfere, which allows Corino to hit Jerry with a chair to take over.  Backbreaker on the injured ribs, but Lynn fights back, so Corino puts him down with a legsweep onto the chair and goes to work on the ribs in the corner.  Blind charge misses and Lynn comes back with a DDT and cradle piledriver for the pin at 3:01.  Just a quick squash for Lynn, more or less.  *1/2  Tajiri runs in and blinds JL with the green mist afterwards, but Super Crazy saves.

Meanwhile, Cyrus is somewhere in the “creative department” and he’s just not happy with Joel Gertner on commentary.  He’s got the wrong kind of heat!  He’s got heat with the boys because he gets himself over at the expense of the talent!  Also, he’s a fat hairy flounder, so perhaps Joel should stop by the office and discuss his future.

Joel Gertner freaks out back at the announce position, as Joey explains that there is no “creative department” and there is no “office” and Cyrus is just making everything up.  The Cyrus stuff was such a weird meta storyline, running parallel to Vince Russo doing the same stupid shit in WCW.  And it would go deeper down the rabbit hole with the all the ROLLLLLLLLLLLERJAM nonsense still to come.

Tajiri v. Super Crazy

Joel points out that Super Crazy is REALLY crazy!

3hvcwm[1]

He’s so crazy that when he’s home in Mexico, he drinks the water!

That’s pretty crazy.

They do some pinfall reversals to start and they’re at a stalemate, so Tajiri just kicks him in the face.  Crazy lands on the floor and Tajiri follows with a somersault senton, and they brawl into the crowd, where Crazy climbs the balcony and hits him with a moonsault.  Back to the ring as Tajiri whips him into the “unforgiving steel guardrail” and Joel goes on a funny run about how Joey doesn’t know the guardrail personally and has never had a conversation with it that would allow him to make judgments like that.  Tajiri with the Tarantula, but Crazy escapes and gets the rolling bow-and-arrow hold.  Tajiri gets out of that and hits a handspring elbow, but Crazy comes back with the moonsault and hits knee.  The ref is bumped and Jerry Lynn runs in and attacks Tajiri and then hits Crazy with the cradle piledriver as well.  And Tajiri gets the pin at 6:09 as a result.  Well, maybe they’ll have a great match out of that.  This was a fine TV match but too short.  **1/4

The COOKIE MONSTER Rhino v. The Sandman

But first, Ballz and Axl cut a promo on the Baldies from the men’s bathroom, but it turns out that Da Baldies are in fact hiding in the stalls and attack from behind.  How long were they waiting in there for that promo?  What if someone needed to drop a deuce?  That’s just selfish and inconsiderate on their part.  Rhino waits for Sandman to pop a beer in the ring and hits the GOAR, then follows with a powerslam for two.  Rhino tosses him and runs him into the railing, but Sandman also uses the railing to come back.  Back in the ring, Sandman gives him some chops and they go up for the Heineken-rana.  Rhino comes back with a powerslam for two, but he accidentally runs into Jack Victory while Corino also runs in and lays out Sandman for two.  Rhino goes up and misses a splash, landing on a chair in the process, and Sandman uses the kendo stick to come back.  And now Justin Credible and Jason run in and lay Sandman out for a beatdown, but Tommy Dreamer runs in now and makes the save.  And then Raven runs in and makes the save and I guess it’s some kind of DQ or no contest at 6:30?  I dunno, this whole thing doesn’t make a lot of sense.  Sandman attacks Raven and Tommy pulls him off to save his treacherous whiny partner for some reason.  A fucking awful match with Sandman doing basically nothing but selling.  DUD

Speaking of the whiny partner, Raven complains about Tommy letting the drunk beat him up as he cries about his daddy issues to end the show.

This was very much a placeholder episode that advanced nothing and wasn’t extreme at all.

314279.jpg

Exactly, Homer.