The SmarK Rant for TNT – 03.15.85
“Riding the Road to Wrestlemania”
Man, I just wanted to sit down and review some NWA Powerrr last night, and then all hell broke loose. So instead, let’s just have a nice, fun, show with no Jim Cornette, shall we?
Hopefully Sara the Soothsayer doesn’t turn out to be a racist. That’d be a real bummer.
Your host is Vince McMahon.
The Heenan Family are our first guests, as this episode is going to be the hard sell to end all hard sells. Bobby Heenan is very proud of John Studd and Ken Patera, and very financially comfortable. Oh, and also John Studd might be a drug dealer.
No, I’m KIDDING. That’s Andre the Giant’s hair. And the $15,000 he’s putting up at “Wrestling Mania”. Not drugs. Don’t be crazy.
Off to the ring…
Big John Studd & Ken Patera v. Andre the Giant & SD Jones
From WWF Championship Wrestling, which would shortly become WWF Superstars sometime into 1986. I feel like we’ve seen this match on here recently. Whatever, it’s short. Andre and SD double-team Patera in their corner and work on the arm, but SD quickly gets trapped in the heel corner because he’s useless, and the heels beat him down. SD manages to tag Andre, but Patera backdrops him to the floor and he knocks himself out on the way down. Maybe Andre should be more particular with the partners he chooses? Just putting it out there. You think Haku would put up with that shit? Studd and Patera team up with a bodyslam on Andre and the ref DQs them for kicking too much ass at 4:00. And then they give Andre the famous haircut. SD continues laying on the floor like Roman Reigns in a Royal Rumble, doing NOTHING to help his partner.
Back at the studio, Studd wants to run the footage one more time, while Vince solemnly chastises them for RAPING the Giant. Of his dignity. Glad he added that second part.
More video! We head back to the poor jerk in the audience getting a haircut from Studd and Patera a few weeks back. Meanwhile I think they’re still trying to wake up SD Jones from the previous segment.
We take a break and return with footage from Piper’s Pit with these three, and he guarantees that Studd has $50,000 cash, and that’s the segment. I think Piper was getting a bit confused there about the amount of money. This was totally pointless.
More with Heenan in the studio, and he guarantees that Andre will not slam Studd and that Patera will be at ringside to ensure fairness for Studd. Well, that shows what Bobby’s guarantees are worth.
Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan and Mr. T do some hard training for Wrestlemania, and Mr. T accidentally knocks out ANOTHER sparring partner! These workouts are just too intense, brother! ELEVEN GUYS THIS WEEK, MEAN GENE! T is just a crazed street fighter and Hulk’s had to pay for all these training partners out of his own pocket, dude! This was pretty great.
Wendi Richter is here in preparation for her rematch with Leilani Kai at whatever that MSG show is. Wrestle-something? Anyway, we go back to an interview with Wendi and Cyndi after the War to Settle the Score, and these two cutting a promo together is quite the contrast in accents. Wendi as a solo promo isn’t exactly a fountain of charisma and she really benefitted from being in the orbit of the rock stars and Lou Albano.
Sara the Soothsayer, who is apparently the “resident soothsayer” for the show, tries again to get a vision of the booking for the Wrestlemania main event. SOMEONE CALL THE BETTING SITES! She runs down the sequence of moves in the match that she sees in the kettle and is already a better commentator than Renee Young. Sadly, the spirits leave her before she can see who scores the winning pinfall. WE’RE DESPERATELY OUT OF TIME, FANS, but cosmic tape machines are rolling! Tune into Nitro next week to see which apparitions are revealed!
Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff stop by next, and Freddie Blassie would like to stress that his team are the nicest men he’s ever worked with. But he couldn’t care less about that fat pus-gut Lou Albano! Windham and Rotundo are also disgusting.
Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff
This is a “non-title” match, again from Championship Wrestling, probably because it was taped weeks before the US Express won the tag titles if I had to hazard a guess. The heels attack but Windham and Rotundo clear the ring right away. Rotundo controls Sheik with a headlock and bodyslam, and it’s over to Volkoff, as Windham slugs away on him. Windham controls with dropkicks and armdrags, but Windham puts his head down and gets caught. The heels briefly get the heat, but Barry makes the hot tag to Rotundo, who comes in with the airplane spin on the Sheik for two. Windham with the bulldog on Sheik for two, but Volkoff tackles the referee and PANDEMONIUM IS BREAKING LOOSE for the DQ at 4:19. So really, why did it need to be non-title if it was just going to be a stupid TV non-finish anyway?
Back at the studio, Sheik doesn’t want to knock down the fine young wrestlers Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo, but they’re going to take the tag team titles from the young kids. And then they tear off their shirts and do some flexing while chopping each other to end the segment. Those wacky foreigners, what can ya do?
Back from the break and we’re still doing this “WWF Trivia” nonsense for a trip to New York. Vince is still burying the segments hardcore, but here’s Question #2!
Vince thinks that whoever is coming up with these stupid questions must be ribbing them or working for Bobby Heenan or something. Like, Vince clearly just does not give a single fuck about this whole concept and is not shy about expressing it.
Another fun and wacky week of TNT!