The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN–11.05.99

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 11.05.99

Haven’t watched one of these in a couple of weeks, so let’s have some Sunday morning ECW…

We open with yet another catfight between Dawn Marie and Francine, and never let it be said that Paul Heyman doesn’t know when to drive something into the ground. So we’re joined in the midst of a tag title match with Raven & Dreamer defending against the Impact Players, when THE COOKIE MONSTER Rhino runs in and allows the challengers to take advantage with stereo piledrivers. But then the lights go out, and HARDCORE HAK has jumped to ECW after a massively successful run in WCW. Now we know why Turner shut down the company only a year after this. The crowd goes crazy, but the overdubbed music is so terrible that it’s hard to make much out. Regardless, the Philly crowd is going pretty fucking crazy for this WCW reject and we appear to have a PPV main event of Raven/Dreamer/Hak v. Impact Players & Rhino. Tommy looks like he’s gonna cry and hugs it out with this mysterious newcomer while enjoying some beer with Francine. Of course, Tommy spits it out, but Francine makes sure to swallow.

Taped from Philly.

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “Joey Styles you can go play in traffic, because I’m all this show needs to get the female demographic” Gertner.

Da Baldies v. Ballz Mahoney & Axl Rotten

Ballz and Axl clear the ring with chairs right away, but Vito stupidly stands up to them and gets smashed with an unprotected chairshot to the skull. But then PN News joins the Da Baldies and attacks for the 4-on-2, at which point New Jack makes the save. Angel gives him a staple gun to the eye and Joey does the shocked and concerned voice. Come on. Who the fuck can possibly buy that something so cartoonishly over the top as a STAPLE GUN is a serious weapon? Like, you just pantomime using the gun, duh. So terrifying.

Meanwhile, Da Baldies walk the streets, unafraid of New Jack now. Because he’s been stapled in the eye, you see.

Spike Dudley v. Super Crazy v. Little Guido

So finally we get a match halfway through the show. Spike slugs away on Guido in the corner right away, but Crazy powerbombs him and we take a break. Back with Spike getting a rana on Guido, but Guido reverses into the Fujiwara armbar in a nice reversal. Crazy flies in with a tornado DDT to get rid of Guido and goes after Spike. Spike SHOOTS THE HALF and gets two, then goes up with a flying headscissors for two. He dives onto Guido outside and they’re both dead, but they fight into the crowd and then Crazy moonsaults them both from the ring. Spike recovers and grabs a chair, diving off the top and smashing that into Crazy’s head in the front row, and then we finally head back into the ring. But then it’s out to the floor again right away, and Big Sal splashes Crazy into the railing. In the ring, Guido takes Spike down with another armbar, but Spike is in the ropes. Note to self: Smashing chairs into people’s head from the top rope into the front row is legal. But you have to break holds in the ropes. Back on the floor, Spike gets rid of Big Sal with an Acid Drop through a table and then tries it on Guido, but Guido hits him with the Tomikaze and gets the pin at 9:11 to eliminate him. So then Crazy returns and gets a standing moonsault on Guido for two. He slugs away in the corner for the Spanish 10 count, but Guido faceplants him for two. Crazy misses a bodypress and Guido legdrops him for two. They exchange chops and Crazy hits him with a brainbuster for two. Crazy with the triple moonsaults, but he stops to take out Sal before the third one, allowing Guido to get the knees up. Crazy recovers with another brainbuster for two and finishes with a powerbomb at 12:43. Well this was a hell of a deal. ****

This Sunday: November 2 Remember 99. So we get 10 minutes of Pulp Fiction promos to end the show, including Simon Diamond introducing his new bodyguard “Dick Hertz”, who came and went from the business in record time. But Simon still makes endless “Big Dick” jokes anyway. Why do I care what Simon Diamond has to say? I guess this was somewhat notable for being the last appearance of Steve Corino with his natural hair before he fell into a giant vat of bleach like the Joker in the playing card factory.

Nothing of note in this show or at the PPV, which was pretty forgettable with a shitty main event. We had a total of one match, but it was a hell of a match, so that’s…good? I guess?

Raven had some whoppers around this time, though, claiming in interviews that he was open to going back to WCW, and that WCW would be “back in line with WWF’s ratings within 3 or 4 months”, and that ECW would end up doing 2.0 ratings. Swing and several misses, Raven.