The SmarK Rant for TNT – 03.08.85
“Sara the Soothsayer Predicts Wrestlemania”
Well this should be interesting at least.
Your host is Vince McMahon
Brought to by CASTROL.
Paul Orndorff, Bob Orton & Roddy Piper join us to start, and Roddy wants to be called “Big Rod”. So we head back to MSG for the War to Settle the Score, as Piper challenges Hogan for the WWF title live on MTV. But not on the WWE Network currently.
WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Roddy Piper
Hulk destroys him after a slugfest on the mat, and drops an elbow for two, but Piper comes back with a corner clothesline and boots Hogan down for two. Piper with the sleeper, which Gorilla calls a choke, but Hogan fights out of it and runs him into the top turnbuckle to break. Orton gets involved, but Hogan runs his broken arm into the post like a sadist and makes the comeback on Piper. The man is wearing a CAST! He’s crippled! Hogan with the clothesline as Mr. Wonderful joins us at ringside to take Orton’s place, and the ref gets bumped. Orndorff runs in with a flying knee off the top on Hogan and the heels put the boots to Hulk. Cyndi Lauper tries to make the save, but Mr. T comes in and takes care of it himself as Piper arrogantly invites him in. Piper jumps him and the heels go to work on T now, but Hulk finally quits laying around like a lump and saves his supposed ally and security comes in to break everything up and set up WRESTLEMANIA. Man, for such an important match at the time and historically, it was really short and nothing to it. *1/2
Back at the studio, Vince wants to know if Piper considers it the toughest match of his career. Piper again snarks that Cyndi Lauper was the only one in the match with any hair on her chest. Also, how long does Mr. T have to be dressed like that? Until the bet is over? Vince really presses the hard-hitting journalism, wondering what right Orndorff even had to be out there (Piper: “There was no back and forth! Only forth!”) but Paul points out that when your body looks like his, you can get away with whatever you want. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Really, it’s all the fault of that “black greasy souped up spider monkey” Mr. T for getting into their business in the first place. Piper calls him a cartoon character and declares that his side is the real thing.
Junkyard Dog joins us next, after being “down south” for the past 5 years.
Junkyard Dog v. Rusty Brooks
Quite the physique on Brooks, as Dog gets a headbutt and the guy’s shoulder strap goes flying down. Rusty fires back and Dog puts him down with a clothesline for two. Dog with a chinlock, but Rusty escapes and then misses a dropkick, and Dog shoulderblocks him for the pin at 1:56. This was pretty awful.
Back at the studio, Vince is pretty sure that Dog can win the IC title from Greg Valentine at Wrestlemania, if Tito Santana doesn’t win it first. Apparently Greg Valentine is the metaphorical bone and JYD will be chewing on him.
Meanwhile, let us take you back to Venice Beach, where Hulk Hogan and Mr. T are going to do some training. T has already had 5 tacos and several bowls of chili, because it makes him MEAN and helps him bond with his Spanish brothers on the beach. So it’s going to be a quid pro quo situation, where Hogan will teach T to pump iron and T will teach him to be a street fighter. “He goes all around the country kicking butt…excuse my language.”
Now, I don’t want to be that way about it, because we’re all free to live our own life, but if you flipped over to this show and saw this…
…you probably wonder about their lessons in “pumping iron”. Also, don’t worry, they switched places so that T could be on top as well.
Not that there’s anything wrong with any of that. Also, I’m still really annoyed with the Network for making it incredibly difficult to time stuff like that properly with the snipping tool now.
Anyway, they move to the privacy of Hogan’s gym for more “working out”. Back at the studio, Vince thinks that whole thing is pretty hot and exciting. They’re just a couple of guys helping each other out and giving the tips!
Sara the Soothsayer joins us after the break, with Piper and his buddies and a smoking pot of something. Yeah, they’re smoking some pot, all right. Sadly, the spirits aren’t really clear on the results of Wrestlemania, which is good because then they’d just throw the betting odds all out of whack. And then Vince would have to change the results to swerve everyone and it’d be a whole thing. Piper disgustedly kicks the cauldron and the segment just ends.
Leilani Kai and Fabulous Moolah join us next, as Kai has upset Wendi Richter to win the Women’s title in MSG, and we take you back to the War to Settle the Score again to check it out.
WWF Women’s title: Wendi Richter v. Leilani Kai
Joined in progress as Wendi holds a surfboard on the mat and works the arm for a while. Richter tries a backdrop and misses, and Kai takes over with a facelock and chokes her down. “Hey, are you choking?” asks the ref, doing the kind of in-depth investigation that referees are known for. Well, what are gonna do? Gene and Gorilla just bury the guy and basically note …
Richter comes back with a clothesline for two and a big boot for two, but Kai gets into the ropes. Wendi with a slam for two, but Moolah attacks Cyndi on the floor and chokes her out, then nails Richter when she comes over to save, allowing Kai to finish with a backslide and win the title. Another nothing match. *
Back at the studio, Vince is pretty sure no one is rooting for Kai at Wrestlemania. THEY DON’T EVEN CARE. Girls might want to have fun, but Moolah is in it for the money.
And we wrap it up with Alfred introducing the GREAT WRESTLING TRIVIA contest, with three questions asked over the next three weeks of the show, and you have to watch All American and Prime Time to get clues. Vince makes exaggerated snoring sounds while Alfred explains the rules. Winner gets a trip to New York. “Where to, the Bronx?” snarks Vince.
Snarky Vince immediately buries that stupid trivia question (“Who came up with that one? They must have really dug for that.”) and wraps up the show for the week.
Well, this lived up to everything I expected and then some.