The SmarK Rant for WWE Friday Night Smackdown–10.11.19

The SmarK Rant for WWE Friday Night Smackdown – 10.11.19

Live from Las Vegas

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves

Oooh, draft night. Hope it’s not a rough draft.

BATTLE FOR THE #1 PICK: Roman Reigns v. Seth Rollins

On one hand, good for them for finding a way to give this match some stakes. But on the other, GODDAMN this company can overcomplicate just about anything. Also, according to Cole, “peoples’ careers will change” based on the draft. Really? Has anyone actually stopped to offer an explanation of what difference it makes whether you’re Raw or Smackdown? More from Cole: “What a MEGA-MATCH that we may never see again after the draft!” Oh no, we might never get a rubber match! Seth works a headlock to start as Cole describes them as “former buddies”. So they can’t be friends because they’re technically on different shows? Roman is on Raw all the damn time! Roman gets a rollup for two and bails to the floor, then blocks a dive with a forearm and they both evade each other’s highspot attempts. Back in the ring, this results in a SHOVING MATCH because you don’t fuck with somebody’s signature moves! How else will they build momentum? Roman tosses him out of the ring as we take a break. Back with Seth holding a chinlock, and they fight for a suplex but neither can get it. Rollins tries a curbstomp and Roman rolls him up for two and chains it into a powerbomb for two. Roman tries the superman punch and Seth takes him into the turnbuckle, then dumps him to the floor and follows with his dives. Back in for the springboard knee and a frog splash for two. Roman escapes the curbstomp and they get into a slugfest, which leads to a buckle bomb from Seth, but Roman comes out of the corner with a superman punch for two. Roman with the spear, but Rollins turns it into a sloppy Pedigree for two. And then the lights go out and Bray Wyatt comes from underneath the ring and pulls Rollins STRAIGHT TO HELL, because we can’t even do a simple draft show without some stupid bullshit to ruin a perfectly good match. So I guess Seth wins by DQ at 14:00 or so? Jesus Christ, this company. Match was going fine before it got DRAGGED STRAIGHT TO HELL by the Fiend. ***

Stephanie McMahon joins us and she’s disappointed that the crowd isn’t booing her. So the first picks for Raw are Becky Lynch, AJ Styles and the Good Brothers, and Drew McIntyre, and then the first picks for Smackdown are Roman Reigns and Bray Wyatt. Wait, so the entire OC counts as one team? This prompts a celebration from the FOX War room for some reason.

And then we get some analysis of these shocking moves from the panel, even though only one person actually switched shows and he’s never wrestling on TV.

King Corbin v. Shorty Gable

Have we not buried poor Chad deep enough as it is? Corbin throws him out of the ring and into the railing. Back in, Gable goes after the leg, but Corbin puts him down with a big boot for two. Corbin tries the Dine & Dash clothesline, but Gable cuts him off with a dropkick. So Corbin chokeslams him on the announce table and we take a break as Smackdown rolls on! Back with Gable reversing the Deep Six into a bulldog and he makes the comeback, so Corbin heads to the floor and Gable dropkicks him over the railing. Back in with a moonsault for two. Corbin gets a slam for two, but Gable reverses the End of Days into a Chaos Theory suplex for two. Gable gets a deadlift german suplex, but hurts his back because apparently Corbin “focused his attack” on the back during some point in the match we didn’t see. Gable rolls into an anklelock as I again wonder why everyone in the world but WWE could see that he should have been Angle’s son, but then Corbin just finishes with End of Days at 10:40 so they can go 50/50 as usual and make sure no one gets over. Least of all Shorty G. Better than their PPV match, at least. **

Stephanie returns with more draft picks. Randy Orton, Ricochet, Bobby Lashley to RAW, and Sasha Banks and Braun Strowman to Smackdown. This prompts celebration from the Raw war room. Why? Did they not know they were making this draft pick before it was announced? The rules of this draft are pretty nebulous.

Brock Lesnar is here because he’s apparently defending the WWE title against Cain Velasquez in Saudi Arabia. Fuck this stupid company so hard. Heyman does his best here but no one is buying this Crown Jewel shit. And then Rey and dad bod Cain come out and we get still photos of Cain beating him in the UFC and then Rey cuts a promo on Cain’s behalf. This sucked.

The New Day v. AJ Styles, Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson

Cole promises NO MORE WILD CARD after the draft. They mean business with this draft, as people will be steadfastly kept on their own show. Aside from the fact that the OC were drafted to Raw and are wrestling on Smackdown tonight. But this doesn’t count. But let me tell you, buddy, everything AFTER this counts. We immediately take a break and return with Kofi hitting the Boom Drop on AJ and he’s already just a fella again. Everyone fights to the floor and we’re left with AJ and Kofi in the ring, as Kofi ducks the forearm and they reverse some stuff into an AJ rollup for two. Trouble in Paradise finishes at 6:47, most of which was during the commercial break. And it was literally just a Kofi v. AJ match because everyone else was laying on the floor for the entire match. *

Stephanie returns with ROUND THREE. RAW gets Alexa Bliss / Kevin Owens / Natalya and Smackdown gets Lacey Evans and the Revival.

Back from the break with ROUND FOUR. I can’t take much more of this excitement. RAW gets the Vikings / Nikki Cross / Street Profits and Smackdown gets the Lucha House Party / Heavy Machinery. Why would you even waste a pick on any of those people?

Smackdown Women’s title: Charlotte Flair v. Bayley

Bayley is so emotional that she has now cut her hair and then slices down the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Tube Men with a handy axe. This is indeed the darkest timeline. Meanwhile Charlotte is still a bitchy heel so I have no idea who we’re supposed to be rooting for. Bayley charges in and slugs away on Charlotte and we take a break. Back with Bayley holding a headlock for an extended amount of time, but Charlotte dumps her to the floor and follows with a pescado. Back in and Charlotte gets a bunch of chops and they fight to the floor again, where Charlotte gets a moonsault off the railing that misses by a mile. Back in, Bayley suddenly hits the belly to belly for two, but Charlotte runs her into the turnbuckle and follows with a moonsault. Bayley gets her knees up, but Charlotte tries a crab and Bayley makes the ropes. Bayley with the leverage pin in the corner for two and a running knee to set up the flying elbow for two. Bayley stops to have another tantrum and Charlotte takes her down with the figure-four, but Bayley cradles for the pin and the title at 12:39. I mean, given they completely repackaged her before the match, she pretty much had to get it back. Good match, better than the PPV. *** Bayley gives us her new catchphrase, “Screw all of you!”, and we’re out.

BUT WHAT ABOUT TOZAWA?!?

Well that was a show. For reference sake, I started the PVR version halfway through the show while it was airing live, and I was able to finish watching by the time the show finished airing. Hopefully my world will recover from the thrilling shakeups that the draft produced. As long as we all band together, we’ll make it through.