The SmarK Rant for TNT–03.01.85

The SmarK Rant for TNT – 03.01.85

“Salvatore Bellomo shares more Italian culture”

Your host is Vince McMahon

Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff join us to start, and Sheik brings a Persian rug and some pillows, because Freddie Blassie wants an “Eastern setting”. Blassie promises that his team will win the tag team titles from Windham & Rotundo, and calls Lou Albano a TRAITOR who used to be his friend. Sheik points out that we used to have a Howdy Doody here in America, but now there’s no Howdy Doody thanks to him.

Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff v. SD Jones & Rick McGraw

Hillbilly Jim is still hanging out in the front row at this point. McGraw takes the Sheik down with a headscissors and then dropkicks Volkoff off the apron, and Jones comes in and puts the Sheik in the eye to retain control. Sheik tries the loaded boot and gets caught, so he brings in Volkoff and he goes to work on SD. Sheik heads over to the announce desk to yell at Angelo Mosca for some reason and then finishes McGraw off with the camel clutch at 3:10. And then Mosca runs in and beats the hell out of the Sheik, which would draw a $2500 fine from Bill Watts if he was in charge.

Back at the studio, and Volkoff is pretty sure that Windham & Rotundo stole the titles, because he was there and he saw it. BIASED REFEREEING.

We take a break and return with Blassie looking for a drink, like an Iranian tea or Russian vodka. Vince only has a basket of apples on his desk, so Blassie directs Volkoff to make “Russian apple juice”, and he squeezes a couple of apples into the glass. Sheik complains about how American food is garbage, like McDonalds and pizza. Also, fun fact from Volkoff: There’s more crime in one American city than in all of Russia. And it’s four times as big as America! Did he get that from Wikipedia?

Rita Marie is our next guest (aka Rita Chatterton), the very first female referee in the WWF. Vince wants to know what would possess her to get involved in wrestling, and she apparently had a younger brother who died in a car crash and loved wrestling.

Blackjack Mulligan v. Moondog Spot

From MSG, with the added shock value of a LADY REFEREE. What if she gets PMS or has lady problems during the match? I don’t think this is a good idea. Vince should demand sex from her and then fire her when she won’t do it. For her own good. Mulligan whips Spot around the ring while Rita Marie no doubt has a hysterical reaction and gets the vapors, preventing her from refereeing to the full extent that men can. What next, a BLACK referee? A referee with proper eyesight? PSHAW! FOOFERAW!

And I guess that’s enough of that match, as we head back to the studio for more from Rita. She’s also into skydiving. But not giving oral sex in the back of a limo, according to her lawsuit. Women, am I right?

Dr. D joins us next, fresh off shoving cake in the face of Butcher Vachon’s wife, but then Vince actually asks David about slapping John Stossel on 20/20. Wasn’t expecting them to bring that up, actually. Especially since he was fired pretty soon after the incident despite Vince allegedly telling him to do it.

Dr. D David Schultz v. Steve Lombardi

I didn’t realize Bobby Heenan was managing Dr. D at this point, actually. Schultz tosses Lombardi and slams him on the table, and then back in for an elbow off the middle rope to finish at 2:20.

Back at the studio, Vince admits that he doesn’t particularly like Schultz, and Dave PULLS A GUN on Vince. So we take a break off the dude pulling a gun, and back with a tour of Schultz’ “gun room”. Why am I not shocked that Schultz is a psychopath who has loaded assault rifles because he hates the government? So…this is a little icky considering the current state of the world. And then Schultz decides to prove that his rifle isn’t loaded…and it accidentally fires into the ceiling. “YOU STUPID IDIOT!” yells Vince. Geeeeeeeeeeez. That was a legit terrifying segment to watch. Maybe that’s why he got fired. Not much of a stretch to picture Dr. D up on a clock tower somewhere with those guns.

Salvatore Bellomo joins us to hopefully lighten the mood a bit after that, and he’s managed to build a model ship with pictures of WWF wrestlers on the sails. Check out this craftsmanship!

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So this sets up a clip of Bellomo v. Johnny Rodz, with Sal winning with a crossbody. Back in the studio, and Sal would to stress that he loves America, where even unhinged redneck nutcases like Dr. D can get a shitload of guns.

Well this week was a bit on the dark side. Hopefully we’re back to the wacky comedy next time.