The SmarK Rant for TNT – 02.22.85
OK, by popular demand, we return to this show again.
Still brought to you by 501 Levi’s!
Your host is Vince McMahon
We’re on the road right away with what is obviously a high tech remote shoot, as Vince and Alfred hang out in a barn, ready to interview Hillbilly Jim’s Granny in Mudlick. She’s busy plucking some kind of chicken when we join them. It’s dinner, you see. Sadly it’s not red so I can’t get any Terry Taylor jokes out of it. Meanwhile, Alfred gets to cuddle a pig and Granny offers to make everyone vittles.
So Vince throws it to a training session with Hulk and Hillbilly, as Jim makes a shake of “devilled hawk gizzards”, which is so gross that even Hulk can’t choke it down. And he gave the world Pastamania! Which is probably still worse, if we’re being honest. At least there’s real meat in devilled hawk gizzard shakes. Maybe Hulk should have claimed that Dr. Zahorian was sending him hawk gizzards via Fed-Ex to his home. So we head to the ring and Hulk spars with a guy and teaches Jim how to escape a hammerlock four different ways. Jim opts for the brute force method and just powers out of the hold because he panics and can’t figure out any other way out. So as a reward, Hulk gives him the very boots that he trained with before winning the title. When did Hulk ever wear black boots? Jim seems pretty touched in the head as it is, lying to the man is pretty low. Also, hopefully it was a symbolic gesture, because wearing the boots that Hulk had been using for SIX YEARS beforehand doesn’t seem sanitary.
Back at the “barn” and Alfred learns to milk a goat now, but his fingers are too cold for the goat’s udders and it goes badly for him.
And after the break, we’re magically transported back to the studio by SCARY TECHNOLOGY, and we get the appearance by Mr. Fuji and Jim Neidhart that we were previously promised last week. Anvil thinks they should call Jim “Hillbilly Jerk”, because he hates hillbillies. Considering the family he married into, he’s got no place to talk.
Jim Neidhart v. Jose Luis Rivera
Anvil clobbers Rivera from behind and powerslams him for two, then adds a dropkick and fistdrop for two. Rivera gets tossed to the floor, but Fuji wants more suffering, so Anvil hauls him back in and pounds away for two while picking him up multiple times. Rivera makes a comeback with a dropkick, but misses a blind charge and Neidhart puts him away with the powerslam at 3:04. Getting him into a tag team definitely saved his career.
Back at the studio, Anvil relates how Fuji is teaching him to administer and enjoy pain. Well he’s got lots of experience dealing with evil sadists. It’s called his MARRIAGE.
We take a break and return with the newly crowned WWF tag team champions, Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo. So they actually have teenage girls run out of the “audience” and mob them on the way in. Nothing says teen idol like sweaty Mike Rotundo!
Back in Hartford, we take a look at footage of Windham and Rotundo winning the tag titles, as they surprise the champs by introducing Lou Albano as their new manager. We get a couple of minutes of Rotundo getting the shit kicked out of him before making the hot tag to Barry. Windham cleans house and tries the bulldog on Murdoch, but Adonis clotheslines him to break it up and the heels take over. But Barry pulls Adonis to the floor and rams him into the post, and then comes into the ring with a sunset flip on Murdoch for the pin and the titles.
Sadly, the new champs can barely finish their inspirational white meat babyface promo before the girls storm the set and haul them off for some sex or whatever.
It’s DINNERTIME at the Mudlick farm, as Alfred asks for a “bit of a stronger drink” than goat’s milk, so Jim hands him a jug of moonshine, which prompts a spit take while Granny serves the greens and fatback. The pickled buzzard eggs are described as “fine and dandy and twice as handy” by Jim, so you know they’re good.
Back from the break and now Swede Hanson has joined the dinner celebration, so Alfred tries to rib him by getting Vince to serve him some of the moonshine. And of course he guzzles it down while Alfred looks on in horror.
Swede Hanson v. SD Jones
We’re joined in progress for a Spectrum match with Jones giving him an airplane spin, but Swede falls on top for the pin.
Next week: Dr. D and Rita Chatterton! Well, that’s gonna give us some material to work with.