The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN–10.08.99

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 10.08.99

TONIGHT! Tammy Lynn Sytch BLOWS THE LID off the secret world of pro wrestling! Prepare for SHOCKING REVELATIONS and all kinds of sexy, ratings-drawing secrets. Do you think RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROLLERJAM can provide this kind of in-depth sleaze? NO SIR.

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “All you men must truly hate me, for all your women want to date me” Gertner. Joey promises shocking and upsetting commentary from Tammy that people will talk about for years to come. Oh, he’s partly right.

Tajiri v. Super Crazy v. Little Guido

Yes, it’s ANOTHER match from Anarchy Rulz. Seriously, they’ve done five or six tapings by this point and used, like, three matches from them in total, it seems like. We’re joined in progress with Tajiri dumping Guido to the ramp, but Crazy hits him with a springboard dropkick for two before Guido saves. Guido and Tajiri double-team crazy, but Tajiri turns on Guido and they toss him for a springboard moonsault from Crazy. Back in for a Tarantula from Tajiri on Guido, but Crazy saves and does his crazy rolling bow-and-arrow on Tajiri. Crazy and Guido do a combination crab and camel clutch that’s a tad silly but makes for a neat visual, but Guido turns on Crazy with a Tomikaze for two. Guido gets tied in the Tree of Woe and the other two take turns dropkicking him, and Crazy pins him with a moonsault at 6:15 to eliminate him. So Crazy and Tajiri trade chops and Crazy hits the moonsault for two. Powerbomb gets two. Crazy tries another powerbomb and Tajiri reverses into a tornado DDT in mid-air, and that gets two. Crazy gets an inverted DDT for two and goes up for the triple moonsault, but Tajiri gets the knees up and hits him with the buzzsaw kicks and a brainbuster to finish at 11:30. This was good, but I can’t imagine the PPV companies being terribly thrilled about having the show aired on national TV right after. ***1/4

Paul Heyman narrates the RISE AND FALL of Tammy Sytch, complete with clips from SMW and WWE. This is intercut with an interview with a barely coherent Tammy, who is slurring her words and has her top open while looking like she hasn’t slept since 1997. She reveals the dangers of Somas, which killed Louie Spicoli. You mean DRUGS ARE BAD? HOLY SHIT! STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! What does this have to do with ANYTHING? Joey promises that things will get even HEAVIER and SEXIER and more ratings-friendly later in the show!

Lance Storm v. Jerry Lynn

Oh hey, surprise, another match from Anarchy Rulz because taping stuff is hard. What the FUCK were they doing with TNN’s money, anyway? Taping an interview with Tammy in Paul’s basement and then using footage from their last PPV? What even is this show supposed to be? It’s funny because the Observe dutifully lists shows that are supposed to be TNN tapings, but you never see any of them. They do the stalemate stuff to start and Lynn takes him down with a headlock, but they brawl to the floor and Lynn sends him into the railing. Back in the ring, they trade wristlocks and Storm drops him with a stungun and follows with a dropkick. Cartwheel into a corner clothesline and Lance works the ribs, but Lynn comes back with a sunset flip for two. Storm goes low and drops a leg for two. And we hit the chinlock, but Lynn fights out and dumps Storm, then follows with a dive. Back in for a missile dropkick that gets two. They slug it out and now Lynn goes low on Storm, but Lance reverses out of the cradle piledriver and they do the pinfall reversal sequence and trade a bunch of near-falls. Lynn with a german suplex for two. Lance superkicks him and lands with a leg on top, so that gets two. Lynn with a suplex that Storm reverses into an inverted DDT for two, and Dawn Marie gives him a chair, which gets wedged in the corner. They fight on top and Lynn gets the powerbomb off the top for two, but Dawn takes the ref to save. Storm tries a powerbomb and Lynn reverses him into a DDT on the chair for two. Storm dodges him and Lynn crashes into the post rib-first, so Lance punishes him with a backbreaker. Lynn comes back with a stunner and they go up for a rana from Lynn, but Storm hits him in the ribs and cradles for the pin at 16:39. This was pretty great, but I had already seen it at the time. ***3/4

More with Tammy! Here’s what she looks like at this point, clearly pilled up out of her mind…

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The interview continues meandering to nowhere, not actually revealing any secrets or insight into the business, as Tammy abruptly veers off into talking about how she started drinking after leaving WWE and then does a tearful aside about someone in her family who died and I have no idea what the fuck she is supposed to be even talking about at this point. This is becoming the point in the party when you tactfully slip away and go talk to someone else instead. And then she finishes with a wrestling promo about how she’s going to be back on top soon. GOOD GOD. This was such a desperately sleazy ratings ploy gone bad that I feel like I need a shower after watching it, one of the all-time saddest trainwrecks in wrestling history. Not only bad, but actually uncomfortable to sit through. Not to mention they made it out like the show was built around this interview and it was literally 4 minutes of footage total and the rest of the show was the matches from the PPV and random bikini shots of Tammy. Yeah, the two matches shown were good, but we’re only a month and a half into the TNN deal and this is already in a state of freefall. And it’ll only get worse, both for this company and sadly for Tammy.

Join us for that, won’t you?