The SmarK Rant for WWE Clash of Champions 2019–09.15.19

The SmarK Rant for WWE Clash of Champions 2019 – 09.15.19

Live from Charlotte, NC

Your hosts are Michael Cole and friends.

RAW World tag team titles: Seth Rollins & Braun Strowman v. Dolph Ziggler & Robert Roode

Apparently the challengers won the “largest tag team turmoil match in WWE history”, because everything has to be the biggest everything in history, even when it’s meaningless and no one could possibly care. Roode gets overpowered to start and brings in Ziggler, so Braun throws him around as well. Corner clothesline and Seth comes in for some double-teaming that gets two. Roode comes in and Rollins slugs away on him, but he gets dumped and Ziggler hits him with a DDT on the floor. Back in the ring, that gets two for Roode and Ziggler puts him in a chinlock. Fameasser gets two. Roode with a suplex for two. Rollins dodges a blockbuster from Roode and goes up to hit his own, but Dolph cuts off the tag with a sunset flip for two. Dolph with a sleeper, but Seth reverses into a falcon arrow and makes the hot tag to Braun. Braun’s a great hot tag guy and he runs the heels over and hits Dolph with a corner clothesline, but charges and hits the post. Seth tags himself in again and superkicks Roode to set up the curb stomp, but Ziggler trips him up and Seth hits him with a dive instead. Roode catches him with a spinebuster on the way in and that gets two. Roode sets up for the DDT, but Strowman breaks it up, and accidentally sends Seth into the corner as a result. And then Roode hits his move and gets the pin and the titles at 9:32. Yay, the most boring tag team champions humanly possible. Crowd was dead for most of this, match was OK. **1/2 Normally Roode pinning the Universal champion would be a big deal, but I somehow doubt they’ll ever follow up on it.

Meanwhile, the generic interviewer bugs Braun for an interview, and he denies losing the match and promises to win the title later tonight.

Smackdown Women’s title: Bayley v. Charlotte Flair

What is UP with Charlotte’s face? Did she have work done? Because it does not look great and just makes her look even more plastic and unlikeable. Charlotte storms in with a big boot for two and Bayley bails to escape. Back in, Charlotte throws her with a suplex for two. Bayley runs again and Charlotte tosses her into the railing, and back in for two. Like, I understand that Bayley is supposed to be a heel now, but Charlotte isn’t really coming off as a babyface here at all. Charlotte goes after the leg and tries the figure-four, but Bayley cradles for two. Charlotte boots her down again and stomps away in the corner, but Bayley undoes the bottom turnbuckle and sends Charlotte into it for the pin at 3:44. That was HELLA weak and did nothing to help Bayley, who was basically getting squashed before winning on a complete fluke. *

Smackdown tag team titles: The New Day v. The Revival

The Revival immediately goes after Xavier’s injured knee, but he fights back with chops on Dash and Big E gets a uranage for two. E beats on Wilder from the apron, but Dawson takes out Woods and Dash clotheslines Big E to the floor in a scary bump. Back in, that gets two. Revival double-teams E in their corner and Dash gets two. Dawson with a back elbow while Woods is apparently unconscious on the floor or just napping like Roman Reigns along with the rest of the crowd. Dawson slugs away on Big E in the corner, but E fights them off and makes the hot tag to Woods, who has miraculously recovered. Honor Roll on Wilder and he gets a DDT on Dawson for two, but Dash hits the bad knee to break up the pin. Big E attacks them both on the floor and they hit a Shatter Machine on the floor, then back in for more abuse of Xavier’s knee. Shatter Machine on Woods, but Wilder wants to go after the knee instead and tells Dawson to put Woods into a leglock. And then Woods taps away the titles at 10:05. That was another flat match with a dead crowd. **1/2

Meanwhile, Alexa and Nikki do their pre-match interview with Charly, but the boom mic operator turns out to be R-Truth, who is in love with “Other Carmella”. So Alexa alerts all the geeks in the back that R-Truth is here, and they all chase him off.

Women’s Non-Denominational tag team titles: Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross v. Mandy Rose & Sonya DeVille

Mandy gets a slam on Cross to start and does some mocking dancing, which Renee enthusiastically declares to be “The sexiest thing seen on WWE TV in years”. She’s like the commentator equivalent of a cool dad at this point. Alexa comes in with the double kneedrops on Mandy, not even coming close to making contact on either one, and then all the 24/7 geeks run in and Alexa cradles Truth for two before everyone runs off again. This leads to Sonya booting Bliss down for two and going to a chinlock. Rose comes in with a delayed suplex into a clothesline from Sonya for two, and she goes to a body scissors. Bliss fights out and puts Rose down to make the tag to Nikki. Bulldog on Sonya and she goes up with a flying bodypress for two. Bliss comes in and goes up, but Sonya pulls her down and they hit a high-low on her for two. Nikki tags in again and hits a neckbreaker on Rose to finish at 8:07. Another OK match with a flat finish. **1/4

Intercontinental title: Shinsuke Nakamura v. The Miz

Oh this is gonna be death. Why do they keep trying Miz as a babyface? It never works! Sami Zayn shows up to complain about his neck injury at the hands of Undertaker for some reason, and then he does commentary over the house mic until they cut him off. Miz gets a low clothesline for two and chokes Nakamura out in the corner, and they head to the floor where Miz gets distracted and takes a bump off the apron. Back in, Miz gets the corner knees on Nakamura and goes up with a double axehandle for two. Miz tries a figure-four and Nakamura reverses to an armbar attempt, but Miz escapes with a DDT for two. Miz with the Yes Kicks, but Nakamura rolls him up for two and gets a snap german suplex off the ropes to take over. Nakamura misses the Kinshasa and Miz gets another figure-four, but Nakamura makes the ropes. Another try, and that’s reversed into a cradle for two. Zayn trips up Miz and Nakamura hits the Kinshasa to the back of the neck for two. Another try is reversed to the Skull Crushing Finale but Zayn takes the ref, so Miz goes after him like a moron and runs into a Nakamura kick on the floor. Back in, Kinshasa finishes at 9:29 to retain. Crowd was really into this one with all the gaga for some reason, so that at least gave it some heat for a change tonight. **3/4

RAW Women’s title: Becky Lynch v. Sasha Banks

I’m kind of shook that these two could have been the Big Boss-Man Connection and now we’ll likely never see it. Becky controls on the mat and tries for the Disarmer, but Sasha bails and stalls, prompting Becky to hit a baseball slide and throws kicks on the way back into the ring. She goes up and Sasha yanks her down and chokes away on the ropes to take over as the crowd finally wakes up. Sasha gets two and goes to a surfboard, then hits the double knees for two. She follows with a kneelift for two. Becky fights back and Sasha sits on the top rope with a surfboard for some reason, but tries the flying knees and gets hit on the way down. They slug it out and Becky makes the comeback with clotheslines, but Sasha takes her down into the Bank Statement, which Becky reverses into the Bexploder. Becky goes up with a legdrop for two. They fight to the top and Sasha comes down with the flying knees for two and then has a tantrum about it. So she follows with another running knee in the corner and tries another Bank Statement, but Becky reverses to the Disarmer and Sasha makes the ropes. Cole calls this “a great sequence”, which I always hate. Becky to the top with a missile dropkick for two. And then they just lay around for a while thinking about stuff, I guess. Sasha gets a pair of backstabbers and into the Bank Statement, but Becky manages to roll her over for two. Sasha bails and grabs a chair to distract the ref, and then hits Becky with another chair behind his back for two. So Sasha grabs the chair again and the ref stops her, so Becky grabs it and accidentally knocks the ref out with it. And they run into the crowd as Sasha retreats and they do a walk-and-brawl up the aisle and into the concourse. So…is the match still going on? Back to the ring after 3:00 of walking around and doing nothing and the announcers are informed that Becky was retroactively disqualified 5:00 ago for hitting the ref. So Becky retains at 13:00 or so. Another OK match that was completely ruined by the lack of a finish. Like if they were just going to do that goofy brawl at the end, why both going fifteen minutes beforehand? **1/2 So I guess that sets up Hell in the Cell next month.

WWE title: Kofi Kingston v. Randy Orton

Orton works the headlock to start while the announcers talk about how Orton was “hampering Kofi’s progression”. How exactly was he doing that within the storyline? Kofi hits a pair of forearms in the corner and Orton bails and retreats up the ramp. Back in, Kofi throws chops until Orton thumbs him in the eye to take over. Kofi heads to the apron and Orton necks him and follows with a shoulderblock into the railing and follows with a suplex on the floor. Orton with the suplex onto the German table to make some lebensraum, and back in that gets two. Orton makes sure to call a dropkick right into the camera and Kofi obliges, but Orton runs him into the post. The announcers talk about Orton going for his historic 14th World title here, which is a running theme of how little the belts mean tonight. Charlotte was going for her historic 10th title, Miz was going for his historic 9th IC title, and now Orton is going for his historic 14th. After a certain point, it’s not really historic anymore. Kofi fights back with a springboard clothesline and follows with the Boom Drop, but Orton reverses Trouble in Paradise into the backbreaker for two. Orton sets up the DDT and Kofi backdrops him to the floor and follows with a dive. Back with a crossbody, but Orton rolls through for two. Orton with a dropkick for two. They slug it out and Orton goes to the eyes again, but Kofi gets the SOS for two. Kofi goes up and Orton crotches him and they slug it out, but Kofi slips out and walks into the powerslam. And that gets two as Orton slows it down over and over. Draping DDT sets up the RKO, but Kofi rolls him up for two and fights him off with a kick. Another RKO gets two, but Kofi lands in the ropes. So Orton loads up the punt, but that misses and Kofi hits the TIP for the pin at 20:47. This was…slow. **1/2

Meanwhile, The Street Profits preview the King of the Ring finals tomorrow night, and run into King Booker, who apparently cannot knight Angelo Dawkins.

Roman Reigns v. Erick Rowan

Even with the video package recapping it, I still don’t understand the storyline here. Like, why exactly was Rowan so mad at him in the first place? And what happened to the old guy who randomly appeared one week and then was never mentioned again? Meanwhile, Roman is the very definition of a guy treading water at this point. Roman slugs away in the corner, but Rowan tosses him and sends him into the railing to take over. Roman finds a kendo stick, but Rowan throws stairs at him and they fight into the crowd because it’s a street fight of some sort. Really? They’re already going to the garbage brawl on the first match? Rowan throws a trash can at him, but they walk back to ringside and Reigns hits the drive-by and preps the table. Rowan cuts him off with a clothesline and they head back in where Rowan takes out with choking in the corner. They should have stuck with the hardcore match stuff. Rowan drops an elbow and goes up with a back elbow for two. Roman fights back and Rowan slams him for two. The crowd reaction here is making the rest of the show sound like the ECW arena by comparison. Reigns clotheslines him to the floor, but Rowan hauls him out and sends him into the post, then pulls off a piece of the protective padding on the LED board and sort of drops Roman on it for two. Rowan takes a run at him with the stairs, but Roman catches him with a samoan drop for two. Reigns fights back with a superman punch for two and Rowan bails to escape, then catches Reigns with a powerbomb through the table from earlier. Back in, that gets two. Back to the floor again for another walk-and-brawl, where Rowan uses the IRON CLAW to put Roman through another table. So they head over to the entrance, where Reigns grabs a lead pipe of some sort and then runs a camera into Rowan. Talk about working to the hard camera! Thank you, I’m here all week. Rowan bumps all the way to the ring, and Roman charges him from the entrance, but Luke Harper returns from purgatory and lays him out. So the reunited Bludgeon Brothers destroy Roman and the Claw slam finishes at 17:23. Way too long for what it was. Had it been 10 minutes shorter and a sprint with all the tables and smoke and mirrors stuff, it would have been great. But the in-ring stuff just killed it dead. **1/4

Universal title: Seth Rollins v. Braun Strowman

Braun charges in with a corner clothesline, but Seth quickly fights back with a superkick and goes up with a flying splash for one. Curb stomp is blocked with a chokeslam and Braun overpowers him and tosses him around the ring while the crowd is just dead silent. Strowman slugs him down, but misses a charge and hits the post. Seth flies in with the knee to put him down, but tries another one and Strowman swats him out of the air and down to the floor. Braun follows him out there with the running shoulderblock and Seth retreats, so Braun hits him with another one and throws him into the railing. So Braun tries another charge and Seth dodges him and sends him into the poor German table. He adds a pair of dives and the table finally collapses, as Braun looks like his nose is busted or something. Seth with a superkick onto the Spanish table and he goes up, but Strowman shoves him down and heads up himself for a terrifying flying splash. He looked like a baby deer up there trying to get his balance. Braun is not a guy who needs to be doing top rope splashes. Seth comes back with a sleeper and curb stomp, but it only gets one. Another one gets two. A third one also gets two as the crowd is pretty much turning on Rollins now. He tries a fourth one, but Braun catches him for the powerslam, so Rollins escapes with a Pedigree and stomps him for the pin to retain at 10:45. Hey, Strowman chokes in yet another title match. Good for him. This was a fun match but the ending was a complete downer and killed off the already dead crowd. ***

And then in the post-credits stinger, Seth’s celebration is interrupted by the Fiend, who delivers Sister Abigail on the stage to set up their title match next month. It’s a little late to pop the crowd after the entire show is already over, but better late than never, I guess.

This was a really, really, really, really boring show and a complete waste of four hours that basically accomplished nothing. This gets AVOID IT and likes it.