The SmarK Rant for TNT – 01.25.85
“Hillbilly Jim visits his grandmother”
After 8 hours of wrestling on Saturday, time for something a little more chill. And I’m really enjoying these for whatever reason.
Also of note, Lord Alfred now just announces the show as “TNT” instead of the significantly more awkward “Tuesday Night Titans (on Fridays)” so we’ll update the title from now on.
Your host is Vince McMahon
We head back to Andre getting his hair tragically cut off by John Studd and Ken Patera. Maybe if his partner was fucking useless SD Jones, he might have had someone who could stop them! Where was Hulk Hogan to save his supposed best friend, huh? THE RAPING OF A GIANT’S DIGNITY. Well Patera would certainly an expert in that after his prison stint, I imagine.
The Heenan Family are out first guests, and Vince is already asking the hard questions. Bobby points out that wrestling only has room for one giant, so they’ll send Andre back to France to make cheese and play with goats, which is apparently what they do in France. Studd notes that although Andre didn’t run back to France, he’s still afraid to step in the ring with him because he doesn’t want another haircut. Bobby points out that Andre has been wrestling multiple guys for years and no one ever said anything about it, but now Patera and Studd team up on Andre and suddenly THEY’RE the bad guys! And not that they’re scared, but they’re not gonna get in there with Andre unless they can review the contracts. So Vince really moves onto the hard-hitting questions: Is Bobby a weasel? Would he step into the ring with a tag partner and face Andre? Bobby notes that it’s just jealousy that has led to this “weasel” stuff.
Next up, Bobby picks someone at “random” from the audience to demonstrate hairstyling techniques. So they find a guy with long hair and a beard, and tell him that his name is “Andre” today. Vince: “How’s his hair looking today?” Bobby: “Terrible. Like the bottom of an oven. Has the state been cutting your hair?” The heels tie him to the chair with rope and Vince is mortified but of course doesn’t do anything to help the poor guy. “Can you breathe all right?” “No!” Of course, the haircut goes badly for the poor bastard and they shave him mostly bald, including his eyebrows. Studd: “Hey Vince, it’s only my second haircut! Can you believe it?” And they finish with a “shampoo and rinse” as the guy is trying not to completely crack up while being “abused” with shampoo and water dumped on his head. You can hear everyone else just losing their shit off-stage and nearly choking with laughter, though. This is one of those ones that started OK, dragged on way too long, and then got hilarious because they went completely over the top with how long it was going and how silly it got.
Back from the break, Vince and Alfred are horrified with the quality of the haircut given and they’re pretty sure he’s not volunteering for anything ever again.
Next up, the title segment, as Hillbilly Jim visits his grandmother! And then he goes into her kitchen and demonstrates his backroads workout routine. First up, you fire up the stove so it’s good and warm. Then you squeeze a tire and drop elbows on a mattress to practice your moves. Oh, and then you molest your dog. That poor dog. This has been rough weekend for dogs! Trying to “rassle” with the dog is all that granny can take and we end the segment there.
That poor dog.
Back from the break, and it’s the continuing saga of Butcher Vachon’s rapidly failing marriage. The ceremony probably should have been the first sign that things weren’t going to go well. So we go back to that ceremony and all the wackiness therein, like George Steele ripping up the decorations and the preacher accidentally calling the bride “the broad”. Finkel trying to officiate without breaking while the heel managers heckle the bride is amazing to watch. And then Dr. D storms the ring and slams the groom, before kidnapping the bride. AMAZING. Back to the studio, and Paul admits that things haven’t been going great since the wedding. YOU DON’T SAY? They ended up going to Hoboken, NJ, which was their third choice for honeymoon after Africa and Montreal. “You know, like Reverend Lipschitz said, for better or for worse.” In fact, she’s not here and apparently has taken off with Lou Albano. But he’s still going to make a go of it! You know, like Reverend Lipschitz said. Vince is like “Oh well, that’s marriage for you. Next up…”
Oh man this show.
Back from the break, and Jesse Ventura is apparently now a broadcaster. Can you imagine? What next, a POLITICIAN? So we cut to the first episode of this new show called “Prime Time Wrestling” with Jack Reynolds and Jesse Ventura and get a clip of them. So Jesse is our next guest, as he discusses wardrobe choices with Vince and we get a clip of Jesse wrestling Steve Lombardi from one of the syndicated shows. Jesse looks terrible as usual and wins with a pair of elbows. Back at the studio, Jesse exchanges verbal barbs with Alfred (“Your hat. It looks stupid.”) and calls Vince “Jack” a lot. Also, there’s this:
Jesse clarifies that he’s tougher than Billy Idol. I should hope so.
Next time: Don Muraco goes surfing! Can’t wait!
Oh, also, this review would seem to be an appropriate time to mention that the Hidden Gems released this Thursday are going to be a pair of shows very specific to this time period, as part of a celebration of MSG, which I have been bugging them about for quite a while now.